Speedos, Part Deux

I’ve caught a lot of flack for my first post on Speedo bathing suits.  Just read the comments over there and you’ll see what I mean.  I have apparently offended some men out there.

In my defense, I’m not the only person who feels this way.  Check out the comments on this Jezebel article and you’ll see that I’m not alone.  The bottom line for me, and for many other women, is we just don’t want to see your dick through your bathing suit.  It’s too much information.  Sorry guys, but if you saw a woman with an extreme camel toe bikini on I doubt you’d like it, either.

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It isn’t just about how you’re built, men.  I previously said that I didn’t mind seeing well-built Olympic swimmers in Speedos, but the truth is I think they also look ridiculous in those little “budgie smugglers.”  I realize they wear them for competition, and I understand why, but I still find a pair of board shorts a LOT sexier and more appealing.  And, so do most of the women I’ve discussed this subject with.

Someone also pointed out to me that they see a lot of women on the beach wearing bathing suits that are excessively revealing.  Well, they need to fix that.  I think it’s important to dress for the body you have, not the body you wish you had.  I wear a one-piece, and I will the rest of my life.  I know my limitations and I know I simply do not have the figure for anything less than a steel-belted radial lifting/firming/shaping bathing suit.  So, that’s what I wear.  I’m not out there flashing my gut or rocking a camel toe for all the world to see.

So, take offense if you like, get mad, and tell me to grow up (as one person did).  I still think the little marble bag banana hammock swim suits look ridiculous and provide entirely too much information about a man’s anatomy.  Nothing is going to change that.

Ladies, what do you think?

Speedos: The Ultimate Fashion Faux Pas

To me, one of the most hilarious and simultaneously irritating things in this world are Speedo bathing suits for men.  I don’t know why they get on my nerves so much.  Probably because MOST of the people136785-120912-olympic-swim-team who wear them just simply shouldn’t.  I mean, if I saw the Australian Olympic Swim Team in person?  I would admire their Speedos with great delight.  But, sadly, that’s never who I encounter wearing one.

No, I always see some hairy potbellied little European dude strutting up and down the beach wearing a marble bag and acting like he’s the cock of the walk.  Who dresses these people?

Now don’t get me wrong–I’m quite partial to penises.  They’re one of my very favorite things about men.  The penis is one of the male’s most useful assets.  But those things are just NOT attractive taken out of context.  Individually, they do not photograph well, as Craig’s List’s personal encounters section has proven time and time again.  (Don’t ask me how I know that.)  I simply don’t want to see the outline of one through someone’s bathing suit on the beach unannounced and without invitation.

899946_497096480355955_432592191_oYou know, when I went down to Mexico in 2013 to for my wedding, I got in hot water over a Speedo.  We were at this quiet resort that was so relaxing and absolutely stunning, except for these four loud ass Euro Trash idiots.  They did nothing but smoke cigarettes and talk really loud.  I have no idea what language it was.  And one of them had on a Speedo.  The louder he got, the madder I got, so I finally took a picture of him and uploaded it to Facebook.  It was partially my way of getting back at him for disturbing my peace and quiet, and partially a way to entertain myself while the fiance was on the golf course.

The bonus element of the picture was the very idiotic tattoo on his back.  It was, I think, supposed to be a sun.  And it looked like a butthole, as you can clearly see.  I was like, “Hey, that asshole has an extra asshole!”  His female companion, featured off to the right of the photo, is wearing a pale beige bikini that was equally hideous.

So I uploaded it to Facebook as a joke.  I said something like, “I shall name him Speedo Monster #1, as I’m sure there will be more on this trip.”

The (now ex) almost husband got pissed off about it!  He asked me how I would like it if he posted pictures of girls in bikinis.  I told him to go ahead because it honestly wouldn’t bother me.  Then, he publicly started asking my male friends if they would be offended if their wife/partner posted such a picture.  Nope, they would not, because I wasn’t saying I LIKED it.  Just the opposite!

It was at that point I started to see his controlling and insanely jealous nature showing through, which was a blessing in and of itself.  It’s good to know those kinds of things before you get officiallyspeedo married!  If I ever get engaged again, I’m gonna’ post the hell out of some Speedo Monster pics to see what kind of reaction I get.  If he laughs along with me, I’ll deem him a keeper.  Maybe.

My pal Forest is a SCUBA instructor.  He says he wears Speedos because it’s nearly impossible to put a dive suit on over regular swim trunks.  He is the only man I find the wearing of a Speedo to be acceptable for and he is allowed to do so, but ONLY when he is SCUBA diving.  The rest of the time he needs to don a nice pair of board shorts.

I have started a Pinterest board to share my collection of Speedos.  You can click here to see it.  

Now spring break is coming up, so I’m advising all my gentlemen readers who were considering dusting off their Speedos this year to just say “no.”  Do the world a favor and dispose of it properly in the nearest trash can.  Do not attempt to donate it to charity, because that perpetuates its life cycle.  It will end up in some thrift store, and do you think the average thrift store shopper really needs such an acquisition?  Or, worse, the charity will just give it to some homeless guy, who will likely use it.  There’s an image I could do without–some dirty smelly guy in a Speedo holding up a “Will Work for Food” sign.

Epilogue:   as you can see from the comments I have struck a nerve with the Speedo-wearers of the world.  I have posted a follow-up note that better explains my position.  Click here to see it.