I’m (Still) So Done

760443c74a5693c6d942994122e0a6d4I cancelled my Match.com subscription months ago.  I went over to PlentyofFish.com and gave it a shot.  I’ve now hidden my profile from view.

All I found on there were men who didn’t have a damned thing in common with me, or, men who thought it was their duty to tell me what was wrong with ME.  Like I fucking care what Cletus Numbnuts thinks of me????

When I saw Bobby’s profile up there, my heart just sank.  Not because he’s on there (although I didn’t exactly enjoy seeing his stupid banjo-picking low-budget ass), but because there he was, lying his ass off.  And I realized that probably everyone else is lying, too, and there’s no point in putting myself through that nonsense.

I’m just going to be alone when it comes to having a significant other.  I prefer my own company to that of someone I’m not a good match with.  Given some other things that happened this week in terms of family drama, I’m kind of in a slash-and-burn mood.  Might as well cut off all the things and people who aren’t bringing me joy.  That includes the parade of idiots from Plenty of Freaks.

Three Dates, One Weekend: Date #1

So when it rains,it pours.  I have had one date in the last year, and now I have three in one

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

weekend!  Apparently getting brutally honest in my dating profile about what I’m looking for and what I won’t tolerate was just the trick to attract some potentially good matches.

Date #1:  Friday Afternoon Cocktails

I met Ken at a waterfront bar and restaurant.  It was blazing hot outside, absolutely sweltering.  I had just come from a business meeting and had on a dress.  (A dress made out of a non-breathable fabric that had my ass sticking to the leather seats in my car thanks to profuse sweating.)   I cleaned up pretty good for this one, and felt pretty good about my overall appearance.

His pictures had not been very clear on Match.  They were all kind of distant shots of him so it was hard to tell what he really looked like.  YES he was very nice looking in person!  I was pleasantly surprised.

We sat and talked over beers and an appetizer for almost two hours.  The conversation flowed, we had a lot in common, especially in our love for the beach.  We laughed a lot.

He has been married twice, and has no kids.  Has all the things on “The List,” with one technical problem.  He still lives with his ex-girlfriend.  Apparently she has two small daughters and he felt obliged to let them live there so they can finish out this next school year.  He volunteered this information up front and was very candid about it.  He said they just live under the same roof but otherwise do not have a romantic relationship.  I think that’s a little odd and might bother me if we move forward.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see about that one.

When we finished our beers we went walking on the waterfront.  He held my hand and we had a nice chat strolling along the docks.  Then we both agreed it was entirely too hot to be out there so he walked me back to my car and we parted company.

A little while later I got this note from him:

Thank you for meeting me. You are engaging, attractive, and intelligent. I hope I can see you again. I stopped by <bar name omitted> to watch the storm come in. Looking out over the river as the lightning flashes, thunder and cool breeze roll over the deck. Thinking of you.

This one shows some real promise!  I have dates two and three later today, one for lunch, one for dinner.  I’ll be back with a report about those!

My Picker

pickerSo after encountering what was obviously a scammer, and a guy who thought we should go straight from talking briefly online to me coming to his house for a drink to sell my art work to him, I am very comfortable with my decision to unsubscribe from Match.com   My subscription ends in July (it’s paid up until then and they don’t give refunds), so I will continue to monitor traffic on there, but then I’m done.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine, who said “Match sucks… I’m on Plenty of Fish.”  I was like, “Hmmmmm…. should I give it a try again?  After all, it’s free….”  So I logged back in and updated my profile and started surfing.  Who is the FIRST person I see?   Ghost Boy!

Now that might not seem so strange, except for the fact that when we first met, he talked about how ridiculous and useless those online dating sites are, how awful they are, etc.  He went on and on about what a waste of time it was to be on them, and how all you encounter are the same old losers.

I tend to agree.

When I read his profile I just shook my head….

I am just a normal guy with a big heart…I am finished with the game players and am looking for someone who is ready to settle down and enjoy life. I am looking for a lady that is stable and is full of self confidence……feels good in her own skin, and does not have hang ups about herself. I like confidence!……. Heck, It does not matter what you do….just as long as you enjoy it! Tired of the games? Me too! Looking for a honest, caring, supportive and faithful companion. Have you purged your past relationships and opened up all the luggage and worked through the issues? Have you extinguished all the old flames still burning in the back of your head for someone else? I am not looking just for sex, games or to make someone jealous or help you get over the person that just dumped you. I am seeking a real lady that has it together and understands the real reason that men and women join together. Are there any women out there that are REALLY looking to settle down now days?

This is new since I joined the site…

1. Okay, I see that this is going to be difficult….you girls must get overwhelmed with useless banter…..If I drop off with conversation it is because I can tell you are distracted and not paying attention….SORRY, but that much I have figured out already….

Doesn’t like games, huh?   Could have fooled me.  Wants a woman to be herself, and direct?  Could have fooled me.  I was never “distracted” from our conversation, if anything he was the one who didn’t respond in a timely manner to texts and such.

I suppose I am still second-guessing myself when it comes to this whole dating thing.  I’m 48 years old (and the clock seems to tick faster and faster straight towards 50). What did I do wrong where he is concerned?  If I came across this profile and had not met him I would think, “We’re a great match,” but clearly we are not.

As one of my southern friends once said about another friend, “Her picker is broke.”  (For you non-southerners out there, a picker is a fancy term for a selection tool, and not someone playing a banjo or other stringed instrument.  And broke is just our more colorful way of saying “broken.”  I do indeed realize it’s grammatically incorrect, but it sounds more southern that way!).

I think my picker is broke!  

But, hey, it’s free to look, and interestingly enough someone from Match has asked me out for a coffee this afternoon, so I’m going to go see how that goes and I’ll report back to you…of course if my picker is broke how in the hell will I know what to make of him????

I’m Still Thinking About It….Joining Match.Com, That Is

downloadI’m still thinking about joining Match.com again.  I’ve pondered it for a few days now, but still haven’t made up my mind.

As I think back on who I met there, I have to say most of the guys on Match were decent, nice guys.  Six Flags was an emotional fucktard, but he was still a decent person, as was Fox.  Of course, Lying Joel (aka “Harley”) was … well, a liar, but we did have some fun for awhile.

So, although I didn’t meet Mr. Right on Match.com, I did meet some reasonable people and that’s more than I can say for most of the people I met on OKStupid or Plenty of Freaks.

What I’m thinking, though, is that I need to really do some soul searching about what I’ve done wrong in the past when it comes to various people I’ve met online.  Which things yielded good results, and which things resulted in disaster?  In the process of doing that soul searching, I am making up a list, I suppose you’d say, of rules I plan on following if I do this again.  As childish as that might sound, I can definitely tell you where things have gone wrong before.

For instance, meeting someone before talking to them extensively has resulted in some awfully miserable encounters, just like ol’ “Mur-LAHT” boy.  Had I spent more time with him on the phone, I would have known that he was sorely uncultured and quite self–centered.

And yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I slept with my ex-almost-husband on the first date. Given how that turned out, I’ve vowed not to do that again!

So, I’m compiling my list of rules for dating.  And when I think about the relationships that have been reasonably functional, and the ones that haven’t, I have come up with these rules for dating that I’m planning on following:

  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them online for at least three weeks.
  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them on the phone at least once, and for a reasonable length of time.
  • No sex on the first date!
  • I will ask very pointed and direct career questions before I meet someone.  I need a man with a professional career who can compliment mine.  I cannot ignore things like a huge disparity in income again, lest I end up footing the bill for everything like I did at the beach last August.  I don’t need a man’s money, but I definitely don’t want a man who needs my money!  (If I wanted to support someone I could have saved myself a ton of money in divorce costs by staying married!)
  • I will, under no circumstances, date someone who is out of work, in between jobs, or otherwise trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up!
  • I will make sure I see at least three or four pictures of the person from various angles, and I will verify that those pictures were made very recently.  One of them must be close up so I can see if he has normal eyebrows and also to verify that he does not look like Santa Claus
  • I will not compromise on my list of “must-haves.”  As rigid as they may sound, I have never ever ever had an ounce of success when I waived them.  Standards are not a bad thing, are they?

So, that’s where I am.  Torn between joining Match.com again and continuing my love affair with alone time, I’m at least pondering a new approach to dating if I decide to try again.  The question is, “Will I?”

 

 

 

Man Boobs

Beer-gut-man-boobs-no-testosteroneI hate it on dating sites when men put up shirtless pictures of themselves.

WOMEN ARE GENERALLY NOT INTO MAN BOOBS.  Why don’t they understand that?!?!

Even if you have chiseled perfect pecs, I don’t want to see them online.  More importantly, I find that the kind of guy who puts up a shirtless pic of himself is almost always an arrogant ass.   EVERY man who has contacted me with a shirtless picture has also proven to be very cocky and over confident.

I encountered one such person yesterday.  He wasn’t particularly good looking, didn’t have much to offer in terms of a professional profile, but THERE WERE HIS TITS FOR ME TO ENJOY.  On top of that, he talked down to me, which as we all know is a sure fire way to get to… “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

Just say NO to man boobs!!!!

My New Approach to Online Dating

woman-rejecting-man-online-datingI have, over the last few weeks, taken a new approach to online dating.  It’s actually called “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

On my dating profiles I have posted a list of non-negotiable requirements for a mate.  And I state very clearly that “these are not negotiable items.”  So far almost everyone who has contacted me clearly does not meet at least one or more of those requirements.  So, then comes…”Delete.  Block.  Next.”

I have tried for almost two years to be kind-hearted, understanding, and open-minded.  And what ultimately has happened is I’ve tried to make chicken salad out of chicken shit more than once.  So, I thought I’d try a different approach–a ruthless one when it comes to culling out candidates.

Here’s my list.

I am looking for someone who:

*has a college or graduate school education
*has a professional career and/or a successful business
*is financially secure and stable
*is actually single (and not just separated)
*is not religious (or if you are, you can completely respect the fact that I am not)
*does not smoke cigarettes at all (occasional cigar or joint is fine)
*is not married (I’m sorry “she” doesn’t understand you, but I’m not going to play mistress–see point about being single above)
*offers up recent and unretouched photos of themselves on this site
*lives within a 1-2 hour drive of me
*does not enjoy hunting for sport (you only kill what you actually eat)
*is mature (at least 40 years of age)
*supports LGBT rights in all respects (this is a social cause that is very important to me)
*is looking for something long-lasting in terms of a relationship, and not a booty call.
*can write a complete sentence and spell (most words–hey, nobody is perfect!) correctly.
*is a gentleman.
*is turned on by an independent self-sufficient woman who makes her own living
*loves dogs (cats are okay, too, but you must be appreciative and welcoming of dog presence!)

If someone contacts me who clearly doesn’t meet all these requirements?  “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

If someone contacts me who clearly hasn’t read my profile in the first place?  “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

I know that sounds harsh, but, settling for someone who didn’t meet all those requirements has been the way I’ve approached dating my entire life, and I’ve ended up always, ALWAYS, with the wrong person!  The only common denominator I see with all those failed relationships is ME, and so I have to change what I’m doing.  I’m trying this to see what happens.

So far this approach has significantly reduced the number of people who contact me.  I’m okay with that, because before I was responding to several people a day saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we are compatible.  Good luck with your search.”

So far I’ve had some asshole contact me and ask me who “hurt” me.  (“Delete.  Block.  Next.”) I am not going to apologize for knowing what I want and need in a man, and the right man WILL appreciate that I do!  I’ll keep you posted…until next time, have a magical day!

 

 

 

Dating Idiocracy

Today I present to you three dating site gems that only I could dig up:

Gem #1:  Because he thinks I was born at night… as in LAST night?

yeah2

 

Gem #2:  The Conversationalist.  (Please note that the “Umm” message was the FIRST contact I’d ever received from this guy.  That was his opening line.)

Lord Byron lives!

yeah4

 

Gem #3:  Freddie “The Redneck Terminator” Kreuger also lives.  (Guess what my answer was to the “Want to Meet Him?” question?)

yeah3

And the Dance Continues…

So I have been on Plenty of Freaks for two weeks now.  I have had all kinds of interesting people contact me.  Most have been very nice and respectful, and took no for an answer pretty well whenonline-dating-header2 I said “No thanks.”  I have met a two people in a public place to see if there was any chemistry.  I’ll tell you about them here.

One was Kevin.  He was a LOT fatter than his profile picture, but only in the gut area.  Men are delusional about that, just as we women are about the size of our asses.  They’ll look at an older picture and think, “Hey, that’s me!” when in reality today there’s the equivalent of “me plus another 30% of me.” I didn’t hold that against him.  He commented on his size, and said he was exercising and working on losing weight.  So he was at least aware that he had entered the furniture stage of life (his chest had fallen into his drawers).

Kevin was very very nice, and the conversation flowed well for over two hours.  We made each other laugh, we were on the same page politically, and had a lot in common all the way around.  He did mention a few things about his relationship with his kids, though, that really bothered me.  He said that his daughters “do not choose to spend time with” him.  The last person who had a tense relationship with his kids was the ex-almost-husband, and as it turned out the problem was not just the kids–it was also him.  So, I’m not sure what to make of ol’ Kevin just yet.  Not sure I will see him again.

And then there was Paddy, whose pictures did not do him justice.  He was nice looking in his pictures but about 110% cuter in person.  We met at a favorite restaurant/pub of mine and sat in a booth, so he was directly across from me and I couldn’t help but notice how handsome he was.  O.M.G.  Black hair with just a touch of gray, wicked green eyes, very muscular but not pumped up.  I don’t like my men to look like the Michelin Man, but some muscles are preferable to doughy tissue.

As soon as we met I said, “Hey, I have a strange question for you.  You’re not married, are you?”  After my last meet and greet with the married lawyer, I decided I better just come right out and ask this question from now on, just to save time and cut straight to the chase.   He assured me that he was not, and that the divorce was finalized several years back.

Between the tour I gave him of my town, and the time at the pub, we spent five hours together and there was never a lull in the conversation.  It was truly wonderful conversation, lots of laughs, lots of things in common, and a mutual enjoyment of good beer (but not too many!)  I was so comfortable with him that on the tour (I was driving) I brought him out to my house to show him where I lived.  I was just going to drive by and noticed my son was at home so I pulled in and brought him in to meet the boy.  And the dogs.  I figured we might as well put him through those tests immediately.  He did fine.

(Later that evening, my son asked me this:  “How old was that guy?”  I said “He turns 45 next week,” and he said, “Oh, he looks like he’s in his 20’s.  I thought you had turned into a cougar or something.”  I was tickled and giddy the rest of the night.)

Anyhoo…. the time we spent talking at the pub was interesting because I just couldn’t get a read on how well he was enjoying himself.  He seemed happy but the little worry wart in the back of my brain was already wondering, “Will I see him again?  I’d like to… I wonder if he’ll ask me out again?  Oh crap… I bet he won’t….”   I told that little nagging doomsday bitch to shut up as often as I could.

So eventually, he did mention that he had Saturday off from work, and asked if I wanted to do something.  Great success!   The best part was when we parted company.  He was the most perfect gentleman I have ever seen, because he asked me if I would like a goodnight kiss!  No planting one on me when I wasn’t ready, no sliding his tongue out at me on the inbound approach… just a polite question.  I said yes.  The boy has very fine kissing skills!

Saturday came around, and I drove to see him this time (we live about an hour and a half apart). I got to see his place.  It was clearly a bachelor pad, with no signs that a woman had ever lived there (or if she did, she took everything with her when she left).  He had a full slate of activities planned:  a trip to the aquarium, a video game/bowling center that I had previously mentioned I liked, hitting some golf balls, a stop at a local beer shop with live music, and takeout food for dinner.  He then kept telling me if I saw something in the plan I wanted to change to just speak up.  I was quite thrilled with his agenda and didn’t deviate from it at all.

Once again, he was a perfect gentleman.  Although we practiced kissing quite a bit more, he did not try to escalate things beyond that.  I appreciated that, in spite of the fact that the chemistry was definitely there.

So….Paddy is funny, handsome, extremely smart, polite, fun to be with…I must confess that the doomsday girl keeps screaming at me… “WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH HIM?  THERE HAS TO BE SOMETHING!!!!”  I shall proceed cautiously, with my eyes open, and try to enjoy whatever happens next.  Trust no longer comes easy for me, given what I’ve been through.  But, maybe that’s a good thing?  My mother always told me I was too trusting.  And I guess I am and always have been.

I’ll keep you informed of the latest developments…thanks to all of you who offer encouragement, advice, support, etc.