Three Dates, One Weekend: Dates #2 & #3

online-dating-header2Well, like I said, when it rains, it pours.  I’ve been on such a dry spell for so long and then BAM, here are three eligible guys who all want to take me out on a date.  I already told you about date #1, which was Friday afternoon.  Here’s the report on date #2 and date #3.

Date #2 was early afternoon on Saturday.  We met at a brewery and enjoyed some craft beers together.  His pictures did not do him justice, he was much better looking in person than in his photos.  The conversation flowed easily and I think would have gone on for hours had I not said I needed to be home by five o’clock.  We had a lot in common and got along famously.

Date #3 was around dinner time.  He had to drive almost two hours to get here and I had already verified where he worked, made sure he was who he said he was, etc., so I had him pick me up at my house.  My son was home so they got to meet and got along very well.  We went out to dinner and again, the conversation was plentiful and effortless.  We laughed a lot, and enjoyed a good meal together.  He also was better looking in person than in his pictures.  After we ate I suggested that we either go to a new mini-golf place that opened up in town, or, we go back to my house and watch a movie and have some more cocktails.  He opted for the movie, and we ended up watching “The Hangover,” which is one of my all-time favorite movies.

Both #2 and #3 were very flattering and complimentary about my looks and my personality.  They were both perfect gentlemen, and both indicated that would like to see me again.  I have learned that too often people say that and don’t mean it, or, they change their mind about it before the next date ever comes to fruition.  So we shall see.

The good news is that I had a great time this weekend, and there were no ugly surprises.  Nobody chewed with their mouth open, farted at dinner or suddenly started pledging allegiance to Donald Trump (which would, I’m sorry, be a deal breaker for me.  I could forgive a fart, but not complete lunacy).  I’m about to go out of town for a week so I don’t have to think about what the next step is for awhile.  I do know I’m not good at juggling lots of guys at once.  This business of having three dates in one weekend is not something I will repeat.  But it sure was nice after such a long dry spell to have some options for a change!

Three Dates, One Weekend: Date #1

So when it rains,it pours.  I have had one date in the last year, and now I have three in one

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

weekend!  Apparently getting brutally honest in my dating profile about what I’m looking for and what I won’t tolerate was just the trick to attract some potentially good matches.

Date #1:  Friday Afternoon Cocktails

I met Ken at a waterfront bar and restaurant.  It was blazing hot outside, absolutely sweltering.  I had just come from a business meeting and had on a dress.  (A dress made out of a non-breathable fabric that had my ass sticking to the leather seats in my car thanks to profuse sweating.)   I cleaned up pretty good for this one, and felt pretty good about my overall appearance.

His pictures had not been very clear on Match.  They were all kind of distant shots of him so it was hard to tell what he really looked like.  YES he was very nice looking in person!  I was pleasantly surprised.

We sat and talked over beers and an appetizer for almost two hours.  The conversation flowed, we had a lot in common, especially in our love for the beach.  We laughed a lot.

He has been married twice, and has no kids.  Has all the things on “The List,” with one technical problem.  He still lives with his ex-girlfriend.  Apparently she has two small daughters and he felt obliged to let them live there so they can finish out this next school year.  He volunteered this information up front and was very candid about it.  He said they just live under the same roof but otherwise do not have a romantic relationship.  I think that’s a little odd and might bother me if we move forward.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see about that one.

When we finished our beers we went walking on the waterfront.  He held my hand and we had a nice chat strolling along the docks.  Then we both agreed it was entirely too hot to be out there so he walked me back to my car and we parted company.

A little while later I got this note from him:

Thank you for meeting me. You are engaging, attractive, and intelligent. I hope I can see you again. I stopped by <bar name omitted> to watch the storm come in. Looking out over the river as the lightning flashes, thunder and cool breeze roll over the deck. Thinking of you.

This one shows some real promise!  I have dates two and three later today, one for lunch, one for dinner.  I’ll be back with a report about those!

From the Trenches….

Just an update for you, in case you’re wondering how dating is going.  After many month sof hitting on absolutely NOTHING on Match.com, I decided to try Plenty of Fish  again.  I wasn’t having any luck on Match.

Then, one day I had a great coffee date with a guy named Charlie.  He seemed to be very interested in me.  He said he wanted to see me again, and he e-mailed me a few times, then disappeared.  No more Match account, and no more e-mails.  Ghosted again.  

Not long after that, I had a date with Butch, a doctor.  I enjoyed his company but he had a mustache that drove me crazy.  I don’t like mustaches in general, unless they are accompanied by a beard.  I think just a mustache looks very “porn-star-ish.”  But, I figured if he stuck around long enough I could tell him, “Hon, not only is your mustache a distraction, it’s also poorly groomed.  Here’s $20, go buy some taste on your way to the barber shop to have that shit shaved off your lip.  You look like you’ve been bobbing for caterpillars.”

(Or something like that).

We met once for drinks and a bite to eat, and it went very well.  Then we went out on a date one night, and that also went well.  He travels a lot for work and so do I, so we didn’t see each other for the next two or three weeks or so.  He texted me a few times, and seemed interested.  Then one day I got an e-mail from him that said he didn’t think we should see each other or try to move forward any further.  I have no idea what that was about.  In a way it was a relief because I really did dread dealing with that mustache issue.

So I was getting very frustrated.  I had changed my online profile to include a “must-have” list.  I decided if I was going to have any success, I needed to be very up front about what I wanted.  So, I made a list.  “The List” as it has become known has all the qualities I’m looking for in a man.  Things I must have.  For instance, it says that any suitor of mine must love dogs.  I’m not going to deal with someone who doesn’t appreciate dog presence.  It also says that my perfect mate will respect and support equal rights for LGBTQ persons, because I have several friends who are LGBTQ and I can’t date someone who doesn’t respect them or who makes fun of them.

“The List” is NOT superficial.  It says nothing about looks, build, occupation, income, or penis size.  It is a carefully thought-out list of things that are really important to me, and it was created in large part due to bad experiences that I do not care to repeat.

I received several nasty notes from guys who did not meet the requirements set forth on the list.  “Do you honestly expect to find someone like this?” was what one guy asked me, while simultaneously calling me an “alpha female.”  I blocked his ass and moved on about my day.

One day, though, I was contacted by someone who said, “I’ve read your list.  I think it’s great.  I think I meet everything on it.  Hope to talk to you more.”   And then I got another e-mail, and another!  So this weekend, I have THREE meet-and-greet dates with three different people.  All of them seem very nice, and I’m excited to meet them all.   Fingers crossed that these go well.

Dating Grammar Hell

bad-grammarI thought you might enjoy seeing some of the delightful people who LIKE ME on Match.com   These are their opening profile statements.

I don’t need a guy who is great looking.  I don’t need one who is well-built.  I don’t need one who makes a ton of money, either.  But…I’m a grammar snob.  What can I tell you?   I like language.  I like people who can use it reasonably well.  Most people on Match.com just don’t think it matters.  Or else maybe they don’t KNOW that it does?  Either way, I’m completely turned off.

I am letting my Match.com account expire in 10 days when it runs out, and I don’t think I’ll be renewing.  For now, you just enjoy these literary works of jean-ee-us.7 6 5 4 3 2 1

 

 

Starbuck’s

This picture looks nothing like me, or the guy I had the date with today. We’re both about 20 years older than the people in the picture. But, hey, it’s at a coffee shop so it’s suitable for this blog post.

Today I had a coffee date with a guy from Match I just started talking to a couple of days ago. I  don’t usually try to meet people so early, but his profile seemed genuine and the communication we had by e-mail seemed sincere enough.  He had a nice face in his pictures.  A rugged, dark haired, dark-eyed guy who appeared to be Italian or Greek (turned out he was a combo of both).

He mentioned that he was heading to the beach and would be coming through my town on his way today, and wondered if we might meet for coffee.  His approach was very gentlemanly and I thought to myself, “Why the hell not?”  He suggested Starbuck’s, and we agreed to meet at 4:00 p.m.

I got there a little early, got a drink and sat down on the patio.  It was a gorgeous day–much too nice to be indoors.  I wanted to get settled and comfortable, and I also wanted to see him walk in and make sure he was what was in the pictures I had seen, and not somebody who was a lot older, or completely different!

He had told me he had a jacked-up step-side pick-up truck that he affectionately named “The Overcompensator” (I knew then he had a good sense of humor).  When I saw a big truck roll into the parking lot I knew right away it was him.

After he got out of the truck I waved to him and he came over to the table.  We shook hands, introduced ourselves, and sat down.  We talked non-stop, and found that we had a lot in common.  We both had found online dating to be very sketchy at best, filled with people who were … well, sketchy.  We both have a sibling we don’t have any use for (I know, family dysfunction is probably not a positive, but at least we have the same kind of dysfunction!).  One of the best things we had in common was our love for the beach.

A New York native (not just any New Yorker, but a Long Islander), he moved here years ago.  I love New Yorkers.  They are friendly, honest, real people, so the fact that he was from there did not bother me in the least.  His accent was really kind of cute.  And I was very impressed that he loves it here, rather than complaining about the south (which people from the north sometimes do).

He is gainfully employed with a reputable company, and considers himself a bit of a workaholic.  His younger daughter just graduated from high school, so his kids are pretty much grown.  He loves to travel.  He doesn’t like organized religion.  We both had some of the same questions about how the universe started, and what is really “out there” (or not out there, as the case may be).  He wants to take things slow, and just be friends first and see what happens.

He seemed genuinely interested in me, my career, my family, and my interests.  He asked good questions, shared some of his own anecdotes, and we had a lot of laughs.  He kept telling me how funny I was because he said I was really “dead-pan.” (I never knew I did that, but okay.  As long as he found it entertaining, that was a plus for me.)

In summary….I really enjoyed myself!  I didn’t even look at my watch until almost two hours had gone by.   I needed to get home to make dinner, and he needed to get on to the beach.  So we sort of concluded our get together, again with a handshake.

He said that I was very interesting, and a lot of fun, and that once he gets back from a business trip next week, would I like to get together again?  I said sure, I’d love to.  And, I really would!

So, perhaps there is intelligent, single life out there after all.  Only time will tell….

 

My Picker

pickerSo after encountering what was obviously a scammer, and a guy who thought we should go straight from talking briefly online to me coming to his house for a drink to sell my art work to him, I am very comfortable with my decision to unsubscribe from Match.com   My subscription ends in July (it’s paid up until then and they don’t give refunds), so I will continue to monitor traffic on there, but then I’m done.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine, who said “Match sucks… I’m on Plenty of Fish.”  I was like, “Hmmmmm…. should I give it a try again?  After all, it’s free….”  So I logged back in and updated my profile and started surfing.  Who is the FIRST person I see?   Ghost Boy!

Now that might not seem so strange, except for the fact that when we first met, he talked about how ridiculous and useless those online dating sites are, how awful they are, etc.  He went on and on about what a waste of time it was to be on them, and how all you encounter are the same old losers.

I tend to agree.

When I read his profile I just shook my head….

I am just a normal guy with a big heart…I am finished with the game players and am looking for someone who is ready to settle down and enjoy life. I am looking for a lady that is stable and is full of self confidence……feels good in her own skin, and does not have hang ups about herself. I like confidence!……. Heck, It does not matter what you do….just as long as you enjoy it! Tired of the games? Me too! Looking for a honest, caring, supportive and faithful companion. Have you purged your past relationships and opened up all the luggage and worked through the issues? Have you extinguished all the old flames still burning in the back of your head for someone else? I am not looking just for sex, games or to make someone jealous or help you get over the person that just dumped you. I am seeking a real lady that has it together and understands the real reason that men and women join together. Are there any women out there that are REALLY looking to settle down now days?

This is new since I joined the site…

1. Okay, I see that this is going to be difficult….you girls must get overwhelmed with useless banter…..If I drop off with conversation it is because I can tell you are distracted and not paying attention….SORRY, but that much I have figured out already….

Doesn’t like games, huh?   Could have fooled me.  Wants a woman to be herself, and direct?  Could have fooled me.  I was never “distracted” from our conversation, if anything he was the one who didn’t respond in a timely manner to texts and such.

I suppose I am still second-guessing myself when it comes to this whole dating thing.  I’m 48 years old (and the clock seems to tick faster and faster straight towards 50). What did I do wrong where he is concerned?  If I came across this profile and had not met him I would think, “We’re a great match,” but clearly we are not.

As one of my southern friends once said about another friend, “Her picker is broke.”  (For you non-southerners out there, a picker is a fancy term for a selection tool, and not someone playing a banjo or other stringed instrument.  And broke is just our more colorful way of saying “broken.”  I do indeed realize it’s grammatically incorrect, but it sounds more southern that way!).

I think my picker is broke!  

But, hey, it’s free to look, and interestingly enough someone from Match has asked me out for a coffee this afternoon, so I’m going to go see how that goes and I’ll report back to you…of course if my picker is broke how in the hell will I know what to make of him????

Ghosted!

Today’s vocabulary word, boys and girls, is “ghosted.”  This is when someone you are interested in suddenly just disappears and stops returning your texts or talking to you.  I just learned this word because it happened to me.

It’s a long story that really doesn’t matter now, but I met someone “live” in a coffee shop in town a couple of weeks ago.  We hit it off, he seemed to be really interested in me, he friended me on Facebook and called me.  He told me how pretty he thought I was, liked my figure, etc.  He picked me up from the airport when I returned from a business trip, took me to breakfast, and I thought we had a splendid time.  He texted me later that afternoon.  And the next day.

I asked him if he would like to come over to a cook out I was having on Friday, he said he would if he didn’t go see his father.

I never heard from him again.

Meanwhile he posted all weekend on Facebook from our town, so he apparently didn’t go see his father.

What.  The.  Fuck.  Am.  I.  Doing.  Wrong?????

Then I find out from someone who knows him that he’s got a reputation for being clingy and hanging around a lot when he finds someone.  So let me get this straight…now even the clingy needy guys don’t want to be around me?  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I really don’t.  I’ve tried every dating service, and every approach and I am still batting a big fat zero.

One of my besties tells me not to give up, she’s sure there’s someone out there for me.  It’s very hard to remain optimistic about that after all this time and effort.  And then there’s the people who say “stop making an effort, and it will happen.”  Well, I’ve tried that, too, and it doesn’t work.

I guess being alone is just what I’m destined for and I’m really okay with that.  I just thought at some point I might run into someone I could go do stuff with, and at least be friends with.  Can’t even seem to manage that.  dat

 

A Report from the Dating Trenches

download (1)Well…so far so good I guess.  I have been back on Match for two weeks.  I’ve encountered all sorts of people who either can’t or won’t read.  I’ve been approached by PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPITALS and by people who have no knowledge of punctuation.  Delete, block, next…

One guy came at me very hard and heavy, giving me his phone number right off the bat, saying he was a professor at a university near here and wanted to talk.  I checked him out and sure enough, he was who he said he was.  I gave him my number.  Then he stopped talking to me immediately.  What kind of game was that?

Of course, there’s the guy with no photo on his profile who wants me to meet him somewhere.  Uh, no.  I told him I didn’t trust anyone who wouldn’t put a picture up.  He said he’d text me one, but I told him no, I didn’t want to give out my number.  He said okay, stay in touch.  Delete. Block.  Next.

I am talking to one man who is very smart, very literate, and has two master’s degrees.  He’s a retired marine working on a second career as a government contractor.  Into martial arts, and quite handsome.  Our conversations have moved along nice and slow, and so far he has not pressured me for a phone number or a meeting.  We were talking pretty intensely for a few days and he seems to have cooled off in terms of contact.  I’m just going to sit back and let him make the next move, although I confess pat of me wonders what in the hell I said wrong.

And one day, by mistake, I signed on to OKStupid.  I meant to sign on to Match and just typed in the wrong URL by mistake, not even thinking.  I had a message from a man named Peter who was quite interested.  He is a financial planner and showed me his website to verify his identity.  He volunteered that info without my asking for it.  We have talked on the phone once and have plans to meet for lunch next weekend at a midpoint between our two towns.  We’ll see how that goes.

So, nothing earth shattering to report.  Moving slowly, as I promised I would, and so far that’s working for me.  I’ll keep you posted….

Back in the Waters

abbycast_0I’ve been back on Match since Sunday.   It’s early Thursday morning.  I’m filing my first trolling report.

The usual bunch of creepers who pounce the moment you sign on were still there.  Three of them looked VERY familiar.  I’m sure they hit on me last time I was on here.  They did not seem to remember me, but I sure remembered them.  I’ve already seen Harley on there.  I remember him telling me when we dated how long he’d been on Match then.  That was almost two years ago.

My profile starts out with my list of things I require in a partner:

“I think it’s only fair to state up front what I need and want in a partner so I don’t waste your time. I am looking for someone who:

  • has a college or graduate school education
  • has a professional career and/or a successful business
  • is financially secure and stable
  • is not religious (or if you are, you can completely respect the fact that I am not)
  • does not smoke cigarettes at all (occasional cigar or joint is fine)
  • is not married (I’m sorry “she” doesn’t understand you, but I’m not going to play mistress)
  • offers up recent and unretouched photos of themselves
  • does not enjoy hunting for sport (you only kill what you actually eat)
  • is mature (at least 35-40 years of age)
  • supports LGBT rights in all respects (this is a social cause that is very important to me)
  • is looking for something long-lasting in terms of a relationship, and not a booty call.
  • can write a complete sentence and spell (most words–hey, nobody is perfect!) correctly.
  • is a gentleman.
  • is turned on by an independent self-sufficient woman who makes her own living
  • loves dogs (cats are okay, too, but you must be appreciative and welcoming of dog presence!)”

(The first item on my list really bothers me in a way because I am a first generation college student.  I have no airs or snobbery about my education, so I feel a little bit elitist having that as a first requirement.  But, I have married someone who did not have a college education.  And, I almost married someone who did not have a college education.  When I look back I can see that it was a large source of incompatibility in both cases. There’s a lot of background missing with someone who doesn’t have a college education and it’s extremely difficult to make up for that. I’m not saying it can’t be done–but I’m very leery of trying it again since I’ve been burned twice already.)

I culled one out today who was just weird.  He e-mailed me on Match about 6 times throughout the day.  I didn’t respond because I was at work. You know, earning a living.  It apparently frustrated him that I wasn’t responding so he just kept messaging me.  Can we say “needy?”  Once I was home from work I decided then that I better quickly drill down to the deets, so I asked him, “I’ve already pointed out that I have a list of things I am looking for in a partner.  Did you read it?  Do you meet all of those?”  He wrote back to tell me “all but….”

For the first time in my life instead of saying, “Oh, that’s okay” I just responded with, “I’m sorry, this won’t work.”  I promised myself if I did this again I would be hard core in terms of maintaining standards.  Yes, I can compromise.  But when I look back on my past, the two men I really and truly loved and respected had all the qualities I’ve listed.  Those things matter to me and there’s no sense pretending they don’t.  I would just rather be alone than settle for someone who annoys the shit out of me.

I am carrying on conversations with a couple of people who seem to show a little bit of promise.  Nothing to report yet.  I’ll be back…

I’m Still Thinking About It….Joining Match.Com, That Is

downloadI’m still thinking about joining Match.com again.  I’ve pondered it for a few days now, but still haven’t made up my mind.

As I think back on who I met there, I have to say most of the guys on Match were decent, nice guys.  Six Flags was an emotional fucktard, but he was still a decent person, as was Fox.  Of course, Lying Joel (aka “Harley”) was … well, a liar, but we did have some fun for awhile.

So, although I didn’t meet Mr. Right on Match.com, I did meet some reasonable people and that’s more than I can say for most of the people I met on OKStupid or Plenty of Freaks.

What I’m thinking, though, is that I need to really do some soul searching about what I’ve done wrong in the past when it comes to various people I’ve met online.  Which things yielded good results, and which things resulted in disaster?  In the process of doing that soul searching, I am making up a list, I suppose you’d say, of rules I plan on following if I do this again.  As childish as that might sound, I can definitely tell you where things have gone wrong before.

For instance, meeting someone before talking to them extensively has resulted in some awfully miserable encounters, just like ol’ “Mur-LAHT” boy.  Had I spent more time with him on the phone, I would have known that he was sorely uncultured and quite self–centered.

And yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I slept with my ex-almost-husband on the first date. Given how that turned out, I’ve vowed not to do that again!

So, I’m compiling my list of rules for dating.  And when I think about the relationships that have been reasonably functional, and the ones that haven’t, I have come up with these rules for dating that I’m planning on following:

  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them online for at least three weeks.
  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them on the phone at least once, and for a reasonable length of time.
  • No sex on the first date!
  • I will ask very pointed and direct career questions before I meet someone.  I need a man with a professional career who can compliment mine.  I cannot ignore things like a huge disparity in income again, lest I end up footing the bill for everything like I did at the beach last August.  I don’t need a man’s money, but I definitely don’t want a man who needs my money!  (If I wanted to support someone I could have saved myself a ton of money in divorce costs by staying married!)
  • I will, under no circumstances, date someone who is out of work, in between jobs, or otherwise trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up!
  • I will make sure I see at least three or four pictures of the person from various angles, and I will verify that those pictures were made very recently.  One of them must be close up so I can see if he has normal eyebrows and also to verify that he does not look like Santa Claus
  • I will not compromise on my list of “must-haves.”  As rigid as they may sound, I have never ever ever had an ounce of success when I waived them.  Standards are not a bad thing, are they?

So, that’s where I am.  Torn between joining Match.com again and continuing my love affair with alone time, I’m at least pondering a new approach to dating if I decide to try again.  The question is, “Will I?”

 

 

 

2016: To Date or Not to Date…?

1introAnd back to the thing that brought me to blogging in the first place:   dating.  I’ve been on hiatus from it for months now, and I still don’t really feel much desire to try again.  New Year’s Eve bummed me out a little bit because I didn’t have anyone to kiss me at midnight, but I was really okay with that after about 30 seconds.  I actually sat in my art room and created some things and just enjoyed the quiet.  I didn’t watch the ball drop on tv, and the new year sneaked in without so much as a hint of fanfare at my house.

The reality is that in spite of a few dating horror stories, 2015 was a damned good year for me.  I made some serious advances at work in terms of my career, and my bad back is getting better thanks to finding the right pain management doctor (who is treating the source of the pain, and not just trying to mask the symptoms).  My son is healthy and happy and moving towards graduating from community college, and after that he will move on to university to complete his four year degree.  He’s dating a very sweet, wonderful young lady who I love.  My relationship with my family is calm and peaceful.  So, I am just hoping that 2016 stays on the same, even keel.   Fingers crossed, knock on wood, throwing salt over my shoulder, etc.

1918049_10205024087394104_7940452014650020402_nI thus have no big resolutions for 2016, other than to remain happy.  The real question is should I try dating again?  Will that interrupt my happiness or will it add to it?  I’m not sure, but I have given some thought to joining Match.com again.  I think of all the dating sites it was the best, because it does require some financial commitment on the part of participants.  That financial commitment is about $20 a month, and it weeds out the real broke ass cheapskates out there–and I definitely want to avoid them!   I don’t need anyone else’s money, I don’t need or want a man to take care of me, but I definitely want to avoid any man who needs taking care of!

So, what do you think?  Should I try Match.com again?  Comment and let me know what you think.

Meet Mr. Wrong #428, aka “ChefLyn”

cheflynMy adventures on Match.com continue.  Today I bring you another fine example of what’s out there.  Meet “ChefLyn,” who describes himself as, you guessed it, a chef.

My first thought was, “Hey….maybe we’ll have something in common? Gordon Ramsey is hot, and I dated Chef Robbie earlier this year for a few weeks and he was really sweet and it was fun having him cook for me…. ”   I was, in a word, excited!

Then, I looked at his picture.  A dark, dimly-lit bathroom selfie of a 300 pound guy with 2 days of beard stubble on his face.  He’s wearing a “chef’s” jacket that says “Sodexo” on it.  I looked them up, and Sodexo runs cafeterias in hospitals and schools and such.  He states that his salary is “$25,001 – $35,000.”  Now money isn’t everything, and I sometimes wonder if men understate their salaries on here to try and avoid gold diggers and scammers.  But when I read his profile, I knew we were never destined to be:

“I am a chef I love what I do and I like to cook for others . Nothing like a smile after a full stomic of delicious food….”

Meanwhile he has sent me an e-mail via their e-mail system.  It says this:

“Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”

I think my stomic has had all it can take for one day.

 

 

 

Profile FAILS

I thought you might enjoy seeing some of the idiotic things people say on Match.  You know, what’s funny is that these people were “carefully” selected FOR ME by their Match making thing-a-majiggy.

Please note, everything I’m quoting below is shown EXACTLY as they typed it themselves.  I have cut and pasted it straight from the sight.  So, yes, it’s not your imagination that the first guy is showing off his mastery of the Caps Lock key….

Fail #1:  Mr. “I’ll Do Anything”

49 year old male.  Never married.  Opening paragraph on his profile:

“I WOULD IDEALLY LIKE TO FIND SOMEONE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. NO PRESSURE. I JUST LIKE TO MEET WOMEN. I AM TRYING TO MEET THE ONE. AGE TO ME, DOES NOT REALLY MATTER. JUST OUT THERE TRYING TO MEET AS MANY POSSIBLE.”

The View from My Broom:  So how is that “shotgun approach” to dating working for you, Mr. Never Been Married?

 

Fail #2:  Donald Trump

This 57 year old man is divorced.  By the way, Match costs, at most, $22 or $23 a month.  And the opening line on his profile?

“I am not a paying member here, so all I can do is wink . Thought I would be on and off of here in a few months, guess I am as picky as you are .”

Later, in his 87 sentence opening paragraph, he actually says this:

If you are too old for intimacy once we are together as an established couple, or like sleeping apart/ on the couch, that is not really what I am looking for. “

The View from My Broom:  You’re a cheap bastard, aren’t ya?  And I just bet that you snore really loud, hog the covers, or fart a lot in bed.  (P.S.  Stop posting pictures of yourself with no shirt on.  See my comments about that. )

 

Fail #3:  Mr. Picky

On Match you get to specify what you are looking for in a partner.  A 51 year old man appears to me to be awfully picky about what he’s looking for:

About his match

Height:  3′ 0″ (91 cm) to 8′ 11″ (271 cm)
Body Type:  Slender, About average, Athletic and toned, Full-figured, A few extra pounds
Ethnicity:  No Preference
Religion:  No Preference
Smoke:  No Way
Drink:  No Preference
Relationships:  No Preference
Have Kids:  No Preference
Want Kids:   No Preference

The View from My Broom:  Seriously, if you’re 51 years old and you don’t have ANY preference about any of this stuff, I’m thinking you should just put in that opening sentence that “Two tits (optional) and at least one hole?  Let’s do this thing! (P.S.  I really hope you’re also 8’11” tall, just for giggles).

 

Fail #4:  The Quinessential Charmer

Capture

The view from my Broom:  Just shoot me.

 

The Witch’s Tips for Gentlemen Using Match.com

Having been back on Match.com for just about two weeks. I have already started publishing my list of things men should not do when creating their profiles.  Here’s what I’ve come up with so far, see what you think:

  1. I do not care to see your ex girlfriend.  Cut that bitch out of the picture before you post it.
  2. Please have someone critique your photos before posting.  The serial killer/pedophile look is definitely out of fashion these days, Dahmer.
  3. Speling and gramor are very impotant.
  4. If the picture wasn’t made in the last two years, don’t post it.
  5. “hey girl” is not a complete sentence nor is it a complete and well-thought out e-mail to send me the first time you contact me, Mark Twain.
  6. If you don’t see anything wrong with #3 above, go fuck yourself (because I surely won’t).
  7. I do not need a sugar daddy, but especially one that looks remarkably like Uncle Fester.
  8. Get a damned real haircut.  Geezus, have some pride.
  9. No, you cannot have my number so we can text.  (What’s the matter, are you afraid the wife is going to catch you playing on Match using the family computer in the living room?)
  10. No, we cannot “meat and roll.”  I have no interest in your meat, and, you’re not getting anywhere near my roll.
  11. I don’t want to be mean, but if your kids look like they ride to school on the short bus?  I’d leave them out of my profile pics if I were you.
  12. Before you demand perfection you should offer it in return.  Trust me, you do not.
  13. If you seriously make $25,001-$35,000 a year, I’d let that be my special secret.
  14. A good dental plan and maybe a few Crest Whitestrips might work to your advantage.
  15. Stop.  Taking.  Selfies.  In.  The.  Bathroom.
  16. Keep your damn shirt on.  (I know you hope to see my tits, but that doesn’t mean I am excited to see your’s.   Man boobs and hairy pits just don’t do a thing for me.)