Handyman

I have hesitated to write about this, because I don’t want to jinx anything.  But, I’ve been dating someone for a couple of months.  I found him just when I had truly given up, too.  I had deleted all my profiles off the dating sites and decided that I would be better-off spending my evenings and weekends painting, sleeping, or giving the dogs a bath rather than out trying to meet people off the internet.

Isn’t that what they always say, though?  You’ll meet someone when you aren’t looking?  I actually met him last summer via Match.com, but timing was bad.  We reconnected in November and have been seeing each other ever since.  I shall call him “The Handyman” because he does laundry, washes dishes, helps me cook, fixes things, etc.

We have a ton of things in common, and our differences are manageable and not a big deal.  We even share the same birthday!  He and my son get along great.  He’s got a great sense of humor.  He loves my dogs, and my dogs adore him.

I’ve enjoyed being with Handyman so much that it’s too comfortable.  There’s no drama, no conflict, no stress.  As a result, I have been secretly waiting on the other shoe to drop.  When is he going to finally open up and reveal that dark, ugly, nasty secret that must be hidden there?

Friday night we started talking about how much fun we’re having, and he said “I can’t figure you out… I’m waiting on the other shoe to drop.”  I laughed and said I was feeling the same way.

My pal Stephanie told me that instead of waiting for shoes to drop we should just both take off our shoes and have fun.  That’s what I’m trying to do.

An Example of One That Didn’t Make the Cut

Last year I went out with Ray a few times.  He was nice enough, but extremely nerdy and had major temper issues.  He lost his cat temporarily one night and basically said he should end his life if the cat wasn’t found.  I decided then that he was not for me.

But, we remained friends.  On Facebook.  And here’s an exchange that happened yesterday.  This will demonstrate WHY he didn’t make the cut.  I deleted names and pictures to protect the identity of my friends, as well as Ray, whose identity I’d just as soon forget.


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Three Dates, One Weekend: Dates #2 & #3

online-dating-header2Well, like I said, when it rains, it pours.  I’ve been on such a dry spell for so long and then BAM, here are three eligible guys who all want to take me out on a date.  I already told you about date #1, which was Friday afternoon.  Here’s the report on date #2 and date #3.

Date #2 was early afternoon on Saturday.  We met at a brewery and enjoyed some craft beers together.  His pictures did not do him justice, he was much better looking in person than in his photos.  The conversation flowed easily and I think would have gone on for hours had I not said I needed to be home by five o’clock.  We had a lot in common and got along famously.

Date #3 was around dinner time.  He had to drive almost two hours to get here and I had already verified where he worked, made sure he was who he said he was, etc., so I had him pick me up at my house.  My son was home so they got to meet and got along very well.  We went out to dinner and again, the conversation was plentiful and effortless.  We laughed a lot, and enjoyed a good meal together.  He also was better looking in person than in his pictures.  After we ate I suggested that we either go to a new mini-golf place that opened up in town, or, we go back to my house and watch a movie and have some more cocktails.  He opted for the movie, and we ended up watching “The Hangover,” which is one of my all-time favorite movies.

Both #2 and #3 were very flattering and complimentary about my looks and my personality.  They were both perfect gentlemen, and both indicated that would like to see me again.  I have learned that too often people say that and don’t mean it, or, they change their mind about it before the next date ever comes to fruition.  So we shall see.

The good news is that I had a great time this weekend, and there were no ugly surprises.  Nobody chewed with their mouth open, farted at dinner or suddenly started pledging allegiance to Donald Trump (which would, I’m sorry, be a deal breaker for me.  I could forgive a fart, but not complete lunacy).  I’m about to go out of town for a week so I don’t have to think about what the next step is for awhile.  I do know I’m not good at juggling lots of guys at once.  This business of having three dates in one weekend is not something I will repeat.  But it sure was nice after such a long dry spell to have some options for a change!

Three Dates, One Weekend: Date #1

So when it rains,it pours.  I have had one date in the last year, and now I have three in one

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

weekend!  Apparently getting brutally honest in my dating profile about what I’m looking for and what I won’t tolerate was just the trick to attract some potentially good matches.

Date #1:  Friday Afternoon Cocktails

I met Ken at a waterfront bar and restaurant.  It was blazing hot outside, absolutely sweltering.  I had just come from a business meeting and had on a dress.  (A dress made out of a non-breathable fabric that had my ass sticking to the leather seats in my car thanks to profuse sweating.)   I cleaned up pretty good for this one, and felt pretty good about my overall appearance.

His pictures had not been very clear on Match.  They were all kind of distant shots of him so it was hard to tell what he really looked like.  YES he was very nice looking in person!  I was pleasantly surprised.

We sat and talked over beers and an appetizer for almost two hours.  The conversation flowed, we had a lot in common, especially in our love for the beach.  We laughed a lot.

He has been married twice, and has no kids.  Has all the things on “The List,” with one technical problem.  He still lives with his ex-girlfriend.  Apparently she has two small daughters and he felt obliged to let them live there so they can finish out this next school year.  He volunteered this information up front and was very candid about it.  He said they just live under the same roof but otherwise do not have a romantic relationship.  I think that’s a little odd and might bother me if we move forward.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see about that one.

When we finished our beers we went walking on the waterfront.  He held my hand and we had a nice chat strolling along the docks.  Then we both agreed it was entirely too hot to be out there so he walked me back to my car and we parted company.

A little while later I got this note from him:

Thank you for meeting me. You are engaging, attractive, and intelligent. I hope I can see you again. I stopped by <bar name omitted> to watch the storm come in. Looking out over the river as the lightning flashes, thunder and cool breeze roll over the deck. Thinking of you.

This one shows some real promise!  I have dates two and three later today, one for lunch, one for dinner.  I’ll be back with a report about those!

From the Trenches….

Just an update for you, in case you’re wondering how dating is going.  After many month sof hitting on absolutely NOTHING on Match.com, I decided to try Plenty of Fish  again.  I wasn’t having any luck on Match.

Then, one day I had a great coffee date with a guy named Charlie.  He seemed to be very interested in me.  He said he wanted to see me again, and he e-mailed me a few times, then disappeared.  No more Match account, and no more e-mails.  Ghosted again.  

Not long after that, I had a date with Butch, a doctor.  I enjoyed his company but he had a mustache that drove me crazy.  I don’t like mustaches in general, unless they are accompanied by a beard.  I think just a mustache looks very “porn-star-ish.”  But, I figured if he stuck around long enough I could tell him, “Hon, not only is your mustache a distraction, it’s also poorly groomed.  Here’s $20, go buy some taste on your way to the barber shop to have that shit shaved off your lip.  You look like you’ve been bobbing for caterpillars.”

(Or something like that).

We met once for drinks and a bite to eat, and it went very well.  Then we went out on a date one night, and that also went well.  He travels a lot for work and so do I, so we didn’t see each other for the next two or three weeks or so.  He texted me a few times, and seemed interested.  Then one day I got an e-mail from him that said he didn’t think we should see each other or try to move forward any further.  I have no idea what that was about.  In a way it was a relief because I really did dread dealing with that mustache issue.

So I was getting very frustrated.  I had changed my online profile to include a “must-have” list.  I decided if I was going to have any success, I needed to be very up front about what I wanted.  So, I made a list.  “The List” as it has become known has all the qualities I’m looking for in a man.  Things I must have.  For instance, it says that any suitor of mine must love dogs.  I’m not going to deal with someone who doesn’t appreciate dog presence.  It also says that my perfect mate will respect and support equal rights for LGBTQ persons, because I have several friends who are LGBTQ and I can’t date someone who doesn’t respect them or who makes fun of them.

“The List” is NOT superficial.  It says nothing about looks, build, occupation, income, or penis size.  It is a carefully thought-out list of things that are really important to me, and it was created in large part due to bad experiences that I do not care to repeat.

I received several nasty notes from guys who did not meet the requirements set forth on the list.  “Do you honestly expect to find someone like this?” was what one guy asked me, while simultaneously calling me an “alpha female.”  I blocked his ass and moved on about my day.

One day, though, I was contacted by someone who said, “I’ve read your list.  I think it’s great.  I think I meet everything on it.  Hope to talk to you more.”   And then I got another e-mail, and another!  So this weekend, I have THREE meet-and-greet dates with three different people.  All of them seem very nice, and I’m excited to meet them all.   Fingers crossed that these go well.

Dating Grammar Hell

bad-grammarI thought you might enjoy seeing some of the delightful people who LIKE ME on Match.com   These are their opening profile statements.

I don’t need a guy who is great looking.  I don’t need one who is well-built.  I don’t need one who makes a ton of money, either.  But…I’m a grammar snob.  What can I tell you?   I like language.  I like people who can use it reasonably well.  Most people on Match.com just don’t think it matters.  Or else maybe they don’t KNOW that it does?  Either way, I’m completely turned off.

I am letting my Match.com account expire in 10 days when it runs out, and I don’t think I’ll be renewing.  For now, you just enjoy these literary works of jean-ee-us.7 6 5 4 3 2 1

 

 

My Picker

pickerSo after encountering what was obviously a scammer, and a guy who thought we should go straight from talking briefly online to me coming to his house for a drink to sell my art work to him, I am very comfortable with my decision to unsubscribe from Match.com   My subscription ends in July (it’s paid up until then and they don’t give refunds), so I will continue to monitor traffic on there, but then I’m done.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine, who said “Match sucks… I’m on Plenty of Fish.”  I was like, “Hmmmmm…. should I give it a try again?  After all, it’s free….”  So I logged back in and updated my profile and started surfing.  Who is the FIRST person I see?   Ghost Boy!

Now that might not seem so strange, except for the fact that when we first met, he talked about how ridiculous and useless those online dating sites are, how awful they are, etc.  He went on and on about what a waste of time it was to be on them, and how all you encounter are the same old losers.

I tend to agree.

When I read his profile I just shook my head….

I am just a normal guy with a big heart…I am finished with the game players and am looking for someone who is ready to settle down and enjoy life. I am looking for a lady that is stable and is full of self confidence……feels good in her own skin, and does not have hang ups about herself. I like confidence!……. Heck, It does not matter what you do….just as long as you enjoy it! Tired of the games? Me too! Looking for a honest, caring, supportive and faithful companion. Have you purged your past relationships and opened up all the luggage and worked through the issues? Have you extinguished all the old flames still burning in the back of your head for someone else? I am not looking just for sex, games or to make someone jealous or help you get over the person that just dumped you. I am seeking a real lady that has it together and understands the real reason that men and women join together. Are there any women out there that are REALLY looking to settle down now days?

This is new since I joined the site…

1. Okay, I see that this is going to be difficult….you girls must get overwhelmed with useless banter…..If I drop off with conversation it is because I can tell you are distracted and not paying attention….SORRY, but that much I have figured out already….

Doesn’t like games, huh?   Could have fooled me.  Wants a woman to be herself, and direct?  Could have fooled me.  I was never “distracted” from our conversation, if anything he was the one who didn’t respond in a timely manner to texts and such.

I suppose I am still second-guessing myself when it comes to this whole dating thing.  I’m 48 years old (and the clock seems to tick faster and faster straight towards 50). What did I do wrong where he is concerned?  If I came across this profile and had not met him I would think, “We’re a great match,” but clearly we are not.

As one of my southern friends once said about another friend, “Her picker is broke.”  (For you non-southerners out there, a picker is a fancy term for a selection tool, and not someone playing a banjo or other stringed instrument.  And broke is just our more colorful way of saying “broken.”  I do indeed realize it’s grammatically incorrect, but it sounds more southern that way!).

I think my picker is broke!  

But, hey, it’s free to look, and interestingly enough someone from Match has asked me out for a coffee this afternoon, so I’m going to go see how that goes and I’ll report back to you…of course if my picker is broke how in the hell will I know what to make of him????

Me, Myself and I

Well so ol’ Ghost Boy kind of irked me enough that I decided to put him completely out of sight and out of mind.  I deleted him from my Facebook friends, and, I put his phone number on my spam numbers list and I erased any trace of his presence.

A few days later, something told me to look at my spam messages, and sure enough, he had made contact.  Something about “just checking in.”  I responded with a very cool, aloof and brief message:  “Assumed you weren’t interested.”

So he wrote back again to say he “understood that” and then started talking about how busy I was and how he had to go take care of his dad.  I just ignored it because there is one simple universal truth that I have found over the years since text messaging became commonplace:  nobody is too busy to send you a text message, if they really want to.

I have to wonder what his game is.  Or I should say “was” because I have stuck to my guns about not responding.  In my world, Ghost Boy is very much like George Washington, Christopher Columbus and Abraham Lincoln–he’s just history.

When I first met him he talked about how all the women his age were emotionally damaged and how hard it was to meet someone who had their act together.  You don’t get much more together at my age than I am right now.  I’m rocking my career, I have no skeletons in my closet (all skeletons are in the living room and visible to anyone who comes into my life), and I’m not emotionally damaged.  I’m not bitter, I’m not angry, and I’m not looking for a man to solve my life’s problems.  My son is 18 and self-sufficient.  I make my own money, I own my own house, and, I can’t get pregnant.  I’m a damned catch, I’m just not having any luck getting anyone else to recognize that.

That’s okay.  Out of all the top 40 hits out today there is finally one for people like me.  It’s called “Me, Myself and I” and it goes like this:

Oh, it’s just me, myself and I
Solo ride until I die
Cause I got me for life
(Got me for life, yeah)
Oh I don’t need a hand to hold
Even when the night is cold
I got that fire in my soul

So, the summer has started, I’m done with the school year and it’s time to have some fun.  Just me, myself, and I!

Ghosted!

Today’s vocabulary word, boys and girls, is “ghosted.”  This is when someone you are interested in suddenly just disappears and stops returning your texts or talking to you.  I just learned this word because it happened to me.

It’s a long story that really doesn’t matter now, but I met someone “live” in a coffee shop in town a couple of weeks ago.  We hit it off, he seemed to be really interested in me, he friended me on Facebook and called me.  He told me how pretty he thought I was, liked my figure, etc.  He picked me up from the airport when I returned from a business trip, took me to breakfast, and I thought we had a splendid time.  He texted me later that afternoon.  And the next day.

I asked him if he would like to come over to a cook out I was having on Friday, he said he would if he didn’t go see his father.

I never heard from him again.

Meanwhile he posted all weekend on Facebook from our town, so he apparently didn’t go see his father.

What.  The.  Fuck.  Am.  I.  Doing.  Wrong?????

Then I find out from someone who knows him that he’s got a reputation for being clingy and hanging around a lot when he finds someone.  So let me get this straight…now even the clingy needy guys don’t want to be around me?  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I really don’t.  I’ve tried every dating service, and every approach and I am still batting a big fat zero.

One of my besties tells me not to give up, she’s sure there’s someone out there for me.  It’s very hard to remain optimistic about that after all this time and effort.  And then there’s the people who say “stop making an effort, and it will happen.”  Well, I’ve tried that, too, and it doesn’t work.

I guess being alone is just what I’m destined for and I’m really okay with that.  I just thought at some point I might run into someone I could go do stuff with, and at least be friends with.  Can’t even seem to manage that.  dat

 

A Report from the Dating Trenches

download (1)Well…so far so good I guess.  I have been back on Match for two weeks.  I’ve encountered all sorts of people who either can’t or won’t read.  I’ve been approached by PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPITALS and by people who have no knowledge of punctuation.  Delete, block, next…

One guy came at me very hard and heavy, giving me his phone number right off the bat, saying he was a professor at a university near here and wanted to talk.  I checked him out and sure enough, he was who he said he was.  I gave him my number.  Then he stopped talking to me immediately.  What kind of game was that?

Of course, there’s the guy with no photo on his profile who wants me to meet him somewhere.  Uh, no.  I told him I didn’t trust anyone who wouldn’t put a picture up.  He said he’d text me one, but I told him no, I didn’t want to give out my number.  He said okay, stay in touch.  Delete. Block.  Next.

I am talking to one man who is very smart, very literate, and has two master’s degrees.  He’s a retired marine working on a second career as a government contractor.  Into martial arts, and quite handsome.  Our conversations have moved along nice and slow, and so far he has not pressured me for a phone number or a meeting.  We were talking pretty intensely for a few days and he seems to have cooled off in terms of contact.  I’m just going to sit back and let him make the next move, although I confess pat of me wonders what in the hell I said wrong.

And one day, by mistake, I signed on to OKStupid.  I meant to sign on to Match and just typed in the wrong URL by mistake, not even thinking.  I had a message from a man named Peter who was quite interested.  He is a financial planner and showed me his website to verify his identity.  He volunteered that info without my asking for it.  We have talked on the phone once and have plans to meet for lunch next weekend at a midpoint between our two towns.  We’ll see how that goes.

So, nothing earth shattering to report.  Moving slowly, as I promised I would, and so far that’s working for me.  I’ll keep you posted….

Back in the Waters

abbycast_0I’ve been back on Match since Sunday.   It’s early Thursday morning.  I’m filing my first trolling report.

The usual bunch of creepers who pounce the moment you sign on were still there.  Three of them looked VERY familiar.  I’m sure they hit on me last time I was on here.  They did not seem to remember me, but I sure remembered them.  I’ve already seen Harley on there.  I remember him telling me when we dated how long he’d been on Match then.  That was almost two years ago.

My profile starts out with my list of things I require in a partner:

“I think it’s only fair to state up front what I need and want in a partner so I don’t waste your time. I am looking for someone who:

  • has a college or graduate school education
  • has a professional career and/or a successful business
  • is financially secure and stable
  • is not religious (or if you are, you can completely respect the fact that I am not)
  • does not smoke cigarettes at all (occasional cigar or joint is fine)
  • is not married (I’m sorry “she” doesn’t understand you, but I’m not going to play mistress)
  • offers up recent and unretouched photos of themselves
  • does not enjoy hunting for sport (you only kill what you actually eat)
  • is mature (at least 35-40 years of age)
  • supports LGBT rights in all respects (this is a social cause that is very important to me)
  • is looking for something long-lasting in terms of a relationship, and not a booty call.
  • can write a complete sentence and spell (most words–hey, nobody is perfect!) correctly.
  • is a gentleman.
  • is turned on by an independent self-sufficient woman who makes her own living
  • loves dogs (cats are okay, too, but you must be appreciative and welcoming of dog presence!)”

(The first item on my list really bothers me in a way because I am a first generation college student.  I have no airs or snobbery about my education, so I feel a little bit elitist having that as a first requirement.  But, I have married someone who did not have a college education.  And, I almost married someone who did not have a college education.  When I look back I can see that it was a large source of incompatibility in both cases. There’s a lot of background missing with someone who doesn’t have a college education and it’s extremely difficult to make up for that. I’m not saying it can’t be done–but I’m very leery of trying it again since I’ve been burned twice already.)

I culled one out today who was just weird.  He e-mailed me on Match about 6 times throughout the day.  I didn’t respond because I was at work. You know, earning a living.  It apparently frustrated him that I wasn’t responding so he just kept messaging me.  Can we say “needy?”  Once I was home from work I decided then that I better quickly drill down to the deets, so I asked him, “I’ve already pointed out that I have a list of things I am looking for in a partner.  Did you read it?  Do you meet all of those?”  He wrote back to tell me “all but….”

For the first time in my life instead of saying, “Oh, that’s okay” I just responded with, “I’m sorry, this won’t work.”  I promised myself if I did this again I would be hard core in terms of maintaining standards.  Yes, I can compromise.  But when I look back on my past, the two men I really and truly loved and respected had all the qualities I’ve listed.  Those things matter to me and there’s no sense pretending they don’t.  I would just rather be alone than settle for someone who annoys the shit out of me.

I am carrying on conversations with a couple of people who seem to show a little bit of promise.  Nothing to report yet.  I’ll be back…

I’m Still Thinking About It….Joining Match.Com, That Is

downloadI’m still thinking about joining Match.com again.  I’ve pondered it for a few days now, but still haven’t made up my mind.

As I think back on who I met there, I have to say most of the guys on Match were decent, nice guys.  Six Flags was an emotional fucktard, but he was still a decent person, as was Fox.  Of course, Lying Joel (aka “Harley”) was … well, a liar, but we did have some fun for awhile.

So, although I didn’t meet Mr. Right on Match.com, I did meet some reasonable people and that’s more than I can say for most of the people I met on OKStupid or Plenty of Freaks.

What I’m thinking, though, is that I need to really do some soul searching about what I’ve done wrong in the past when it comes to various people I’ve met online.  Which things yielded good results, and which things resulted in disaster?  In the process of doing that soul searching, I am making up a list, I suppose you’d say, of rules I plan on following if I do this again.  As childish as that might sound, I can definitely tell you where things have gone wrong before.

For instance, meeting someone before talking to them extensively has resulted in some awfully miserable encounters, just like ol’ “Mur-LAHT” boy.  Had I spent more time with him on the phone, I would have known that he was sorely uncultured and quite self–centered.

And yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I slept with my ex-almost-husband on the first date. Given how that turned out, I’ve vowed not to do that again!

So, I’m compiling my list of rules for dating.  And when I think about the relationships that have been reasonably functional, and the ones that haven’t, I have come up with these rules for dating that I’m planning on following:

  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them online for at least three weeks.
  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them on the phone at least once, and for a reasonable length of time.
  • No sex on the first date!
  • I will ask very pointed and direct career questions before I meet someone.  I need a man with a professional career who can compliment mine.  I cannot ignore things like a huge disparity in income again, lest I end up footing the bill for everything like I did at the beach last August.  I don’t need a man’s money, but I definitely don’t want a man who needs my money!  (If I wanted to support someone I could have saved myself a ton of money in divorce costs by staying married!)
  • I will, under no circumstances, date someone who is out of work, in between jobs, or otherwise trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up!
  • I will make sure I see at least three or four pictures of the person from various angles, and I will verify that those pictures were made very recently.  One of them must be close up so I can see if he has normal eyebrows and also to verify that he does not look like Santa Claus
  • I will not compromise on my list of “must-haves.”  As rigid as they may sound, I have never ever ever had an ounce of success when I waived them.  Standards are not a bad thing, are they?

So, that’s where I am.  Torn between joining Match.com again and continuing my love affair with alone time, I’m at least pondering a new approach to dating if I decide to try again.  The question is, “Will I?”

 

 

 

2016: To Date or Not to Date…?

1introAnd back to the thing that brought me to blogging in the first place:   dating.  I’ve been on hiatus from it for months now, and I still don’t really feel much desire to try again.  New Year’s Eve bummed me out a little bit because I didn’t have anyone to kiss me at midnight, but I was really okay with that after about 30 seconds.  I actually sat in my art room and created some things and just enjoyed the quiet.  I didn’t watch the ball drop on tv, and the new year sneaked in without so much as a hint of fanfare at my house.

The reality is that in spite of a few dating horror stories, 2015 was a damned good year for me.  I made some serious advances at work in terms of my career, and my bad back is getting better thanks to finding the right pain management doctor (who is treating the source of the pain, and not just trying to mask the symptoms).  My son is healthy and happy and moving towards graduating from community college, and after that he will move on to university to complete his four year degree.  He’s dating a very sweet, wonderful young lady who I love.  My relationship with my family is calm and peaceful.  So, I am just hoping that 2016 stays on the same, even keel.   Fingers crossed, knock on wood, throwing salt over my shoulder, etc.

1918049_10205024087394104_7940452014650020402_nI thus have no big resolutions for 2016, other than to remain happy.  The real question is should I try dating again?  Will that interrupt my happiness or will it add to it?  I’m not sure, but I have given some thought to joining Match.com again.  I think of all the dating sites it was the best, because it does require some financial commitment on the part of participants.  That financial commitment is about $20 a month, and it weeds out the real broke ass cheapskates out there–and I definitely want to avoid them!   I don’t need anyone else’s money, I don’t need or want a man to take care of me, but I definitely want to avoid any man who needs taking care of!

So, what do you think?  Should I try Match.com again?  Comment and let me know what you think.

I’m Still Alone….

It’s Friday night.  I went out with a friend for her birthday.  She had somewhere to be early in the evening so asked if we could have dinner at 5:30.  I was fine with that.  What I was not fine was getting home, taking off my make-up, putting on my sleep clothes and realizing it wasn’t even 7:00.

When I left dinner I started to go to a bar, but I don’t know anyone who goes to those places in town.  Everyone I know is married or doesn’t drink (or both) so the odds of running into anyone I know and like at a bar are very very slim.  Thus, I would be going there to hopefully find some single person who was also unaccompanied.  I’m 47 years old and I’ve never met anyone in a bar who proved to be worth the time it took to get to know them.  I’m figuring that reality of single life hasn’t changed.

I flopped down on the sofa and took a nap.  At 10:00 p.m. I woke up and was all alone.  Nobody in the house, my son was still at work.  No one to talk to, no one to hang out with.  And even at that point, I still don’t see the point of signing on to a dating website again.  My hope for that venue has just dried up and evaporated.  Still.

Do I get lonely from time to time?  Occasionally.  But it just doesn’t seem worth going back into the dating world to try and solve that problem.  It’s bothering me somewhat tonight because a friend of mine just passed away.  And I saw his wife’s post on Facebook.  She talked about how lucky she was to have shared the love of such a good man.  They were a cute couple–happy, content, and they had a real partnership.  It made me sad to think about the fact that I may never have that.  But, I can’t force it.  I’ve tried that before.  And it always ends up in disaster.

So it’s after midnight, and I’m still alone.  But, that’s okay.

“Date-Free” And Loving It!

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The face I made after listening to some of the people I met on dating sites….

It’s been over two months since I gave up on meeting anyone special.  I did have one or two other prospects that were carryovers from the online dating scene, but they quickly faded away.

One was named Allen.  He was a Naval officer who lived about 3 hours from me.  We met one day at an in-between point and had lunch, drank some wine, had a great time, and promised we were going to get together again.  Each time I would suggest something he was busy.  If he suggested something, I was busy with work or medical appointments or travel of my own.  Then one day he said he was coming to see me on Wednesday and taking me out to dinner.  Cool!  I was really looking forward to that.

I never heard another word.  Not one word.

There was no pathetic text breaking the date because his dog was sick with strep, no “Sorry, I can’t make it” call.  Nothing.  I am assuming he either met somebody else or he was with someone else all along.  No great loss, he talked a lot about himself and would sometimes leave me bored senseless from listening to his stories about work.

 

Since then, I have been completely “date-free.”  No social life with the opposite sex, and no prospect of one.  Candidly, I really don’t miss the ups and downs of checking a dating site every day.  Mostly what I found were scammers looking for a sucker, or idiots who couldn’t read (or couldn’t comprehend what they read).  It was exhausting after awhile.  So, I am back to the old fashioned standard of meeting people in bars.

That was a joke.  I rarely go to bars, and when I do I’m with my friends and not looking to meet anyone.  I just said that to see if you were awake.

During this hiatus from dating, I am getting to know myself a little better, I’ve had a lot more time to focus on my job and best of all I’ve spent a lot more time with my son.  These are all good uses of my time and I think in many ways they are having a healing effect on me.  I sometimes find myself with too much time on my hands, and that is not a bad thing, either.  I relax.  I watch movies or engage in mindless activities. As a result I don’t feel overworked or spread too thin or worn out.  Hey, the bright side is that if Mr. Right shows up maybe I won’t ruin it by being exhausted and jaded from the online dating fiasco!  Maybe there is something to be said for this “date-free” lifestyle!

Dating Idiocracy

Today I present to you three dating site gems that only I could dig up:

Gem #1:  Because he thinks I was born at night… as in LAST night?

yeah2

 

Gem #2:  The Conversationalist.  (Please note that the “Umm” message was the FIRST contact I’d ever received from this guy.  That was his opening line.)

Lord Byron lives!

yeah4

 

Gem #3:  Freddie “The Redneck Terminator” Kreuger also lives.  (Guess what my answer was to the “Want to Meet Him?” question?)

yeah3

Edgar Allan Poe Lives

My profile on OKStupid is very specific about what I want and don’t want.  For instance, it says no smokers.  It also says no married guys because I’ve already been out to meet someone who conveniently forgot to tell me he was married until I showed up for our date (that’s another story I’ll post on another day!)  No long distance relationships and no 20 year olds, that kind of thing.  It is specific and very detailed so that I might save someone the hassle and possible embarrassment of having to say “No thanks.”  MOST men who contact me say they love it and appreciate my candor.  They say they like it that I know exactly what I want and don’t want.

But not this asshole.

I almost left his screen name and face visible but I thought better of it.  He might leave his fram, hunt me down and beat me over the head with his Bible (or send me a nasty “tex” message).

The last picture is our ongoing conversation, which, as you can see, I decided to have some fun with.  I’ll keep you posted if I get a response.

 

assholea

assholeb

 

 

 

This is the message I received from him.  No, I did not contact him first, he just felt it necessary to tell me what he thought was wrong with my profile.

assholec

Why You Shouldn’t Date From Craig’s List

I would like to welcome my very first guest blogger!  “Rhonda” shared her story with me about online dating and I thought you would find it intriguing.  Here it is!

Misrepresentation, eh? Yeah. Lemme tell you a story about someone I dated for a short time. Not just dated, but someone I really, really tried hard to make better. To make the relationship work. I saw potential and I really did try. The man is a sociopath, though, and luckily I learned this quickly. I wasted about six months of my life working on this, and came out of it feeling battered and exhausted. This man is a real piece of work.

I happened upon his current eHarmony profile when I went looking, kind of, just out of curiosity as to what he might be doing now. I typed in the names of his three dogs, in Google, and voila, what appears? His eHarmony profile! VERY weird, I think, that that comes up in a Google search, to a random person who doesn’t belong to eHarmony.

So, originally I became acquainted with him from a post he’d put on Craig’s List in the section of the personals called Strictly Platonic. I’d happened upon that purely by accident while putting up an ad to sell some vinyl flooring. Strictly Platonic ads? Why would someone need to place an ad like THAT? Oh, I see, gardening advice, running buddies, car pool to the mountains, I see. His ad was there, and it was heartwrenching, really. I read it and reread it, and decided to reach out to this lonely man. It was really quite convincing, and may have been genuine in its intention, of meeting someone nice to have lunch with, swap emails. He WAS lonely. He IS lonely still, and of course, now I know why. ANYway. (I’m a sucker and believe everyone is honest, why would they not be?? lol.)

Misrepresentation is a gross understatement in his case. I believe this guy is a sociopath, completely self-involved and unable to tell the truth. He wants a relationship, he truly does. He claims to be the most sensitive man you’ve ever met, the kindest, most loyal, most caring. What he cares about is himself. What he’s sensitive about is his OWN needs, and he doesn’t understand kindness. Very, VERY weird, I’ve never met another person like this, I have to say. When we actually met, he was kind, he was polite, he seemed sincere. We met for lunch at a restaurant halfway between my house and his. No biggie, I enjoyed the lunch. He described his life to me, his estrangement and separation from his wife, his estrangement from all of his three grown daughters. (Red flag, red flag!) His loneliness, how his only friends are his three little dogs. I felt sorry for him, I truly did.

In his working life, he was always one of the higher-ups. CEO, VP, big IT guy. I believe he honed all of his skills out of a need to deflect any blame for anything at work off of himself and onto someone else. His dishonestly was so profound, and encompassed so many facets of his life it was frightening. Luckily those things became obvious quickly and I wasn’t strung along for very long.

One of the very first things that happened was this. Small enough, it seemed, but indicative of way more: at the time I met him I was 47 and he was 62. He told be he was 54 and would soon be turning 55. It took me seeing a stitchery sampler on the wall of his home showing his wedding date as being in 1966. Let’s see, in 1966, if he got married when he was 20, that would make him 62. I commented on it, and said, ‘Hmmm…you got married when you were 12??’ He got mad, furious at me, for even THINKING to wonder about that. Told me he thought I should leave. But I held my ground, asked him to please explain the discrepancy. WHY would you lie to me about your age? Why is that important? He just thought he would seem too old to me, he said. He feels younger, doesn’t seem like he’s in his 60s, doesn’t look like he’s in his 60s, so why is that important? I told him I understood his insecurity about that, but really, I didn’t appreciate being lied to. I should have walked away there, that became the tip of the iceburg, and that was right off the bat shortly after I first met him.

This man criticized my politics, put me down for my weight, even though he was overweight himself.  He EVEN went so far as to point out that my GENITALS were fat, and that if I’d lose weight, my labia would be THAT much less flabby.   He bashed my parenting, my education (I was at LEAST as smart as he was, probably actually left him in the dust), my artistic interests, um, yeah, every single thing about me. He told me I was ‘unstable’ because I was stressed about whether or not to use pretty much all of my savings to pay off my second mortgage. Holy crap, writing it all down sure brings it all back, and makes me want to puke. Six months of my life I spent, and why? I honesly don’t know why. I said I saw potential? What potential? That can’t have been it. He was utterly selfish in bed, too, so it wasn’t that. (He’d finish and say, “I’m so sorry that was so fast, I owe you one…” Zzzzzzz….OWE me one?? Why do you have to OWE me one?)

In his eHarmony ad I note the following, and this is 8 YEARS after I knew and was involved with him: He still uses the very same words and phrases to describe himself as he did all those years ago. He is still searching for the same thing. NOTHING has changed for him, not one thing, and there is almost nothing in his profile that is true, still. Today, he is NOT 62, he is, in fact, 71. He is NOT divorced, only separated, and that is only a separation because of his wife’s work situation. (I guess I don’t know this for a fact, I guess they COULD be divorced now, but he told me all those years ago that they were divorced, and they were not even separated, she was just on the road all the time. I don’t believe they are divorced, but I could be wrong.) He DOES have children, three grown daughters, who have 86ed him out of their lives. He smokes a LOT, he drinks every day (I believe he’s a mean alcoholic) and he’s FAR from being ‘somewhat conservative.’ (He’s hardcore Republican, and while he told me it made no difference to him that I’m so liberal, he beat me up for my views every time the matter came up. Fox News Guy would probably pale compared to this douche bag.)

Also telling in his profile: the things he’s most thankful for are ALL things about himSELF, none of which are true. None of them, not one. I have no way of knowing how many other women he’s battered in his quest for a nice lady, but it’s got to be a lot. I can’t figure out why his wife has actually hung in there for so long either, but it might have something to do with $$. He made a lot, and might actually still with his pensions and all. (She’s no slouch herself, though, she’s worked her way up and is pretty high up there herself.) He might be refusing to ‘let’ her divorce him, knowing she’d walk away with at least half of everything. Oh, yeah, there are two true things in his profile: his name is Ed, and he does have three dogs.

I wish I had time to describe each and every little detail. They are sickening and disheartening, and I felt the sting for a long time afterward. He had to move back to Florida when the people renting their home there lost their jobs and had to vacate. He needed to go back there to get the house ready to sell, and I was free of him, thank God. He texted me a couple of years ago, and asked if I missed him, lmao. What an idiot.

Yes, Dear, There Is a Santa Claus

When I was a child I remember vividly how much I believed in Santa Claus.  Santa was da man!  Just when I reached the age that I was starting santa-claus3to have doubts about his existence, I got a tape recorder for Christmas and he left me a special message on the new blank tape included with it.  I was floored, excited, flabbergasted even!  Never mind that he sounded surprisingly like my father…it was Santa!  DA MAN!  My faith was restored.

I feel that way again today–my faith has been restored in the dating process.  Ken showed up last night looking hot.  Tall, handsome, and exactly who he said he was in every respect.  We actually discussed how much false advertising there is in internet dating, and thanked each other for being exactly who we had presented ourselves to be online.  Damn that chin dimple was smexy!  Best of all, the conversation was easy.  No awkward silences, no weirdness.  Just an all around pleasant evening that ended early but was really really nice.

Since we live four hours apart, the next date is up in the air, but we both seemed to want to get together again.  He mentioned how hard it might be to make that work, and I pointed out that I have a pretty flexible job that allows me to telecommute when necessary, so travel is possible on my end.  I’m willing to drive some distance, at least for the right man.  I’m not yet sure that he’s it, but, at this juncture I’m still hopeful.

Back to my Santa story…as hopeful as I am about Ken, I also remember that I soon cornered my parents and asked about the reality of Santa.  And they came clean with me.  It was one of those mixed bag of emotions.  I was glad to finally know the truth, but I was also sorely disappointed that he wasn’t real.  In the spirit of that memory, I shall remain hopeful–but cautiously so–about this dating thing.

False Advertising? Hell No!

I sit here in Charlotte, NC, killing time before a meet-and-greet/date with someone from OK Cupid.  “Ken” and I have been talking for a month or more, and while we live about four hours apart, we do seem to have something in common and some level of compatibility.  Since I had to be here on business, we decided to meet.

I have to say he’s very “pretty,” and I mean that in a good way.  When I think a guy is really handsome, I refer to him as “pretty.”  It’s a sincere compliment.  Let me tell you that this boy is pretty!  Blonde hair, blue eyes, and a Kirk Douglas chin dimple.  Holy smokes…and tall… 6’3″.  I love tall guys… you know what they say about tall guys!

(Tall guys make us curvy girls feel petite….you thought something dirty, didn’t you?  Cheeky monkey!)

Aaaaaaaaaaaaanyway….I’m doing the full “do” for tonight… styling my hair in the most flattering way, wearing a dress, etc.  I only have one shot to make a first impression.  I think this has potential…unless of course his profile pics are bullshit.  And that’s my fear!

I have checked this one out every way possible–on LinkedIn, and on Facebook–and he appears to be who he says he is.  But Mr. Eyebrows had a six year old profile picture up for review, and that keeps making me wonder:  “What if all of Ken’s pictures are old?  What if he now looks like a troll instead of a prince?  Oh I cannot stand another miserable and uncomfortable meeting that drags on for what is 60 minutes but feels like hours and hours and hours….”

I have been told by a few people on FB that they “admire” the “way I put myself out there.”  It’s not that hard…I’m just honestly being who I am.  Don’t you expect everyone to do that?  I do!  Otherwise, it’s false advertising and I think that’s a no-no!

(I am sure some of the people who say that to me are secretly talking about me behind my back, and insulting me.  They can go fuck themselves, by the way.)

What scares me about meeting new people, in general, whether you meet them online or through work or via a mutual friend is that they may be hiding things.  Just show me who you are and I’ll have a lot more respect for you.  Don’t put up a six year old picture and expect my jaw not to drop when your hairy ass shows up with fifty extra pounds and three chins.  I can be very attracted to a couple of chins–even three–but I’ve got to know they’re on the way before I show up to greet you!

For some reason tonight I am almost paralyzed with fear.  What if he isn’t what his pictures showed him to be?  What if we have nothing to talk about?  Well, I guess I’ll text someone to call me and feign an emergency.  Crap, that won’t work, I’m four hours from home.  There really can’t be an emergency here.  Maybe I’ll do something crazy and just be honest.  I’ll say something along the lines of “I don’t think we have much in common and I think we need to call it a night.”

But there I go, expecting the worst when I should be hoping for the best.  I’m going to try to calm myself down and hope that the smokin’ hot guy in the pictures actually walks through the door when it’s time.   FINGERS crossed!

eHarmony Guy: Crickets Chirping

FieldCricketSeveral of you have asked me what happened with eHarmony Guy.  The answer:  absolutely nothing.  You can hear crickets chirping it’s so quiet where he’s concerned.

He’s a Duke fan (maybe that’s the problem?) and the night after our date Duke won their basketball game.  I texted him congratulations.  He texted back thanks.  After that I didn’t hear anything, but I knew he was very busy and had several things planned:  he plays tennis religiously almost every single day, for several hours.  Takes dance lessons.  He has a trip planned out of the country for the 11th of the month, followed by two more trips.  He’s going to be traveling for about a month or six weeks it seems.

Last week, on the first day of the month, I found out I had a chance to go down to my favorite little seaside town for the weekend.  He grew up there, and we have talked a lot about the area, people we might know in common, etc.  I texted him and asked if he’d like to meet me there on the 3rd.  He responded thanks, but “that’s my last weekend before I leave the country, and I’ll be very busy.”  That’s when I knew I was getting the brush off.

eharmony-meme1If I were about to go traveling for several weeks in a row, I would darned sure make time to see someone I had been out with and wanted to see again.  He’s retired, with no kids to take care of, so he’s got plenty of time on his hands to get ready for that trip in the course of a week.  People make time for what they really want to do, and if he wanted to go with me?  He’d have gone.  But, he didn’t want to.  Why he didn’t want to, I don’t know.  Maybe he had a better offer lined up already.  Maybe he’s lost interest in me already.  Or maybe he only likes to go on dates when it’s his idea.

I’ve thought back over our date–did I do something wrong?  Did I say something wrong?  I thought, “were there any signs that he wasn’t interested or engaged the entire time?” and the answer was “no”.  Either he’s an academy award winning actor or things DID go well and he WAS very engaged and seemed to really like me.  As I said earlier, I don’t understand men, and it’s stuff like this that makes me confused.  Maybe the answer is simple–he’s just not the right person for me.  I’m not losing any sleep over it.

If there’s one thing I have learned about dating it’s to keep moving forward and learn as I go.  eHarmony guy reminded me that gentlemen do still exist and I needed to know that.  I was reminded that I really like that type of man!  Also, he had a very take-charge personality in the way of making dinner reservations, plans, etc.  I like that, too, at least to some degree.  It’s always good to know what you’re looking for!

Meanwhile, OkStupid has presented me with several people of interest.  I’m meeting two of them tomorrow.  One for lunch, the other for coffee.  These kinds of first “ice breaker” meetings are a little bit nerve wrecking, but necessary.  We’ll see how it goes.  Until next time…

 

 

 

 

Maybe They Should Call it OKStupid

Dumb-and-Dumber-SequelI have just finished my first week on OK Cupid.  As I suspected, you get what you pay for.  Since this service is completely free, you find some really bizarre characters trolling around.  Let me introduce you to the various categories I’ve encountered so far…

 

The Illiterates

My profile states that I am an agnostic.  It also says this:

“…. I do not care for organized religion. I’ll respect your faith, but I’m not going to get involved in church. It cracks me up how many guys on here contact me who say they want a “Godly” woman who “loves the Lord.” Good for you, but I’m an agnostic so I don’t think that woman is me. (If you don’t know what agnostic means I can already tell you it’s best not to message me…we are never gonna’ get along!)”

Today “DaAmazingChuckee123” (screen name changed) messaged me and said he’d like to date me.   Here is what his profile says:

“I’m a dignified, christian gentleman who still believes , after all iv’e seen, chivalry is the nucleus of respect towards women. What kind of a man doesn’t believe in pampering and catering to the ladies? I’d like to meet someone to share life with. Dinner, walks on the beach, take vacations and trips with, cuddle on the couch etc. MUST LOVE DOGS!! Please be someone who shares their heart with the Lord.”

Either the guy can’t read or he just didn’t bother to.  Either way, we’re not going to click.

The Mathematically Challenged 

OkCupid gives you tons of questions to answer about lifestyle, ethics, sex, etc.  It then calculates a percentage score for you with engineereach person you look at.  Actually it calculates two scores–your “match” percentage and your “enemy” percentage.  The picture you see shows that we are an 85% match, and only have a minor “enemy” score.  (By the way, we’ve been talking, getting to know each other slowly, and are planning to have dinner together at the end of the month.  It’s moving at a comfortable pace for me and might I add that he is SMOKIN’?!?  Blue eyes, dimples..I am SO digging this!  85% is a good number!)

idiotAnyhoo… you’d be surprised how many people have a 45% match and a 50% enemy score who reach out and ask me about getting together.  Why bother?  I thank them for their inquiry, and then I point out to them that the numbers indicate we aren’t a good match.  I wish them the best of luck with their search.  Some of them say “good point, thanks,” but some of them get downright pissed off.

Then there was this 25 year old who said he loved older women.  I told him I really didn’t think we had much in common, as you can see from our 42% match and 44% enemy score.  He said that was okay, would I just like to have hot sex instead.  I said no thank you by blocking him from contacting me again.  Sex for me is 90% mental and I just don’t think conversations about his paintballing skills will get my motor running.

Cougar Bait 

What is it with these boys in their 20’s and 30’s who want a cougar?  I mean, just for starters, do you know how we look naked?  Like I want to show off my hail damage to a 25 year old!  Besides, in all seriousness, what would we talk about–how old he was when his testicles finally dropped?  No thank you, if I can only choose between older men and younger men, older men will win hands down every time.

Creepy Creepers 

I have encountered several men in just a week who think if they talk to me every few hours it’s going to turn into something magical.  It’s creepy and weird and I don’t like it.  I’m learning to use the “block” feature very liberally to get rid of these little pests.

There’s the guys who get really pissed off if you don’t want to meet them right away.  They always say “I don’t like it on here… you can’t tell anything about someone until you meet them…nobody wants to meet in person…”

Yeah, well, a lot of dead women, if they could talk, would say they didn’t get to know Ted Bundy until they actually met him.  I know the odds of that kind of thing happening are very slim but I happen to like being alive and well and I’d like to stay that way.  I need time to get to know you and make sure you are who you say you are.  Plus, I have a fairly high profile position at my job.  Once you know who I am, you could show up there and find me.  I’m not keen on that happening.  So yes, I move slowly.  And you’ll have to just deal with it or move on to the next lucky lady.

Perfect Perverts

Some of these guys want to go straight to getting my phone number.  As soon as you’ve exchanged “hellos” they say “Do you text?”  I reply, “Yes, I do, once I get to know you.”  I have enough friends who have been in the dating world long enough that they’ve told me what these guys do once they have your phone number–they start sending you pictures of their junk.

Guys, let me just tell you that those things are simply not photogenic.  They lose something in a two-dimensional format I suppose.  They are not your best feature (even if they are the center of your existence).  I do not want to see your penis before I’ve met you in person.  Once I’ve met you, I may still have no desire to see it.  I can promise you this–sending me an unsolicited photograph of Mr. Happy will absolutely guarantee that you won’t ever see anything of mine.

So Why Bother?

Well, here’s the good news about OKStupid… while you do have to wade through a lot of the aforementioned issues, I’m finding that there are actually notime (1)some professional guys on there who are in the same boat I am in–looking for that special someone, and not a quick hookup or a dirty text exchange.  As I said, I have a date with a very fine looking specimen in  a couple of weeks.  I have also talked with someone else I seem to have quite a bit in common with and we are going out soon, too.  There are some true professionals on there–doctors and lawyers and engineers (Oh My!)–and, unlike eHarmony, they actually are responsive.

Speaking of eHarmony, I’m not renewing my subscription to their service.   They give me four or five new “matches” every day but when I click on them, it says they haven’t been active on the site in over a month.  I’m convinced there is nobody out there!  I’ve been on there for two months and met one person (I know you’re wondering what happened with him–that’s another post for another day).  The only other people I’ve had communication with were absolutely not good matches for me in any shape or form.  I’m convinced that eHarmony is a shell game to keep women like me thinking there’s hope so we’ll keep sending in our $30 a month.  Ain’t nobody got time for that!

OK, Cupid

I decided to follow the advice of a few friends and join OKCupid, which costs nothing to be a member of.  I have hesitated to do that because I generally think the free dating services are fertile ground for complete and total losers.  It was on one of those that I found the ex-almost husband.   Match.com cost about $20 a month and seemed to have more than its fair share of low-rent oxygen thieves, so I chose eHarmony because it’s more expensivcupid5afe (about $30 a month).  It definitely weeds out the ratchety men who would make poor love interests for me.  I don’t need anyone’s money, but, I refuse to deal with any man who needs or wants mine!

Here’s the disappointment, though.  On eHarmony you can see when people look at your profile and very few people ever do!  I just don’t get many lookers and I think that’s because at least half the people on there aren’t really there.  For instance, it recently matched me with someone I know.  I told him about that, and he said, “I haven’t been a paid member of eHarmony for several years.”  So, apparently they are recycling old profiles on there and showing me people who aren’t ever going to respond even if I contact them.  I have been on there at least two months and have only had meaningful conversation with one person, and while he (“eHarmony Guy”) is perfect for me in many ways, for $30 a month I’d like to have a few more possibilities.

Anyway, in an effort to keep moving forward, I completed a profile on OkCupid.  I was checking it out last night for the first time and I got some really good laughs.  edgrimleyIt only took about 15 minutes on there to get hit on by a 24 year old who asked me if I wanted to make out sometime.  I replied that I was flattered, but, old enough to be his mother.  Plus, he’s a student at the university where I teach and I don’t think I’d like to lose my job over a make-out session.

And then there’s the 63 year old guy with the most idiotic profile photo I’ve ever seen.  I think it is generally uncool to take people’s pictures off these dating sites and share them on a blog.  I know I wouldn’t want anyone doing that to me, so I’m not going to do it to him.  But, it’s HILARIOUS.  He has a smile just like Ed Grimley. After reading his profile, I’m convinced that he may just be Ed Grimley.  Here it is, exactly as written:
throwup
“I am looling for that ONE passionate woman to have fun with:)Been married since I was 20,now that I am single just want to have fun, not a booty call, enjoy our lifes together:)) I do pay attention to what I put in my body and on my body. I do exercise two hours per day. I do some yoga,G-gong. Ride bike, walk daily. Read and grow daily.my weight does no yo yo I stay at 200 lbs 6ft 2 not fat good shape, noone believes i am 63 everyone guesss me 40s , young in body, soul and mind. I have nevef abused myself and take care of myself. Been unto proper nutrition, exercise, vitimins, herbs.energy healing for years. Everything in moderation is my motto. I love music, calm loving music I play all day.But I like to get down and boggy also.want to dance? The two ladies on my pics r my daughters:) I put the shirt off photo on to show that I sm in decent shape not in love with myself or trying to turn anyone on, rather do that with my mind:)”

(Dude, you can pump iron all day but what you really need to be picking up is a dictionary.  And yes, I totally believe you’re 63, since you posted that damned shirtless picture of yourself.  Thanks.  No, I don’t want to dance.)

So far there are some very interesting characters on OKCupid.  It opens up all kinds of possibilities for me to continue this blog and to keep you entertained.  Until next time….

 

 

eHarmony Guy: Date #3

rhettOkay, I know you’re all waiting to hear about date #3 with eHarmony guy.  It was spectacular, and not for the reason you are thinking (you perverts!)  It’s because I had a date with a true southern gentleman.

I was greeted with a hug and a nice peck on the lips… then a much warmer (but respectful) kiss.  Then he took me out to dinner and at every opportunity my car door was opened for me.  I was asked where I’d like to sit in the restaurant.  He encouraged me to order what I wanted to eat and drink but also was quick to order a fantastic appetizer for us to share since I clearly wasn’t sure about the menu I was unfamiliar with.  And then it got really good in a way that’s going to sound either old fashioned or perhaps just a tad nerdy.

When we left the restaurant and waited on the valet to bring the car the night air was very cold.  The breeze ripped through my dress and I couldn’t help but shiver and make my “brrrr” noise.  Without hesitation he took off his jacket and put it around my shoulders.

Admittedly, I don’t wear dresses very often, nor do I find myself that cold very often.  So, maybe it’s just been a question of timing?  But, I cannot remember the last time a man gave up his coat for me!  There was something about getting in the car (after he opened the door for me) with that big designer blazer around me that made me feel like a well-kept little girl in all the right ways.

Back at his house we watched a basketball game on TV and snuggled on the sofa.  I then needed to go get something out of my car and just mentioned that I was headed to do that.  Without hesitation he said, “If you’ll give me your keys I’ll go get it.”  What?!?  (Yes, I let him go fetch it for me).

As the night went on I found myself more and more taken with him.  The conversation was good, his sense of humor was delightful, but in hindsight it was those little thoughtful gestures that just melted me, and I realized today that it has been years since anyone paid me that kind of attention.  I had forgotten such things were even possible in the dating world!  Yes, I’ve dated some nice guys but nobody treated me like he did last night.  If they had, they’d still be around!

Will I see him again?  I predict I’ll hear from him sometimes between now and six minutes past never.  I won’t be surprised with any outcome and I’m not going to get my hopes up and be disappointed.  There was definitely chemistry, I thought everything went well, but like I have already said, I don’t understand what the hell men want so nothing surprises me anymore.  The thing I’m happy about is that I got a very vivid reminder of what is possible, and that gave me just the slightest bit of hope.

 

eHarmony Guy: Date #1

eharmlove

This is not a photo of my actual date.

Well, I had my first date with the guy I met from eHarmony.  I don’t want to use his real name and I don’t have a clever nickname picked out for him yet (never fear, I’m working on one).  So I guess for now he’s “that eHarmony guy.”

Let’s get the bad stuff out of the way first.  There are two negatives I see.  One is he lives 100 miles from me.  Now I don’t really mind, since my job affords me a lot of flexibility and my son is almost 18 and can stay by himself overnight.  I can make that distance thing work.  But, it is a hassle when you’re first dating because it’s too early to start sleeping together and staying over at each others’ houses.  So, I went to his house and that was a 100  mile trip.  Then it was 100 miles back home just a few hours later.  That’s a long drive by yourself late at night.  And doesn’t lend itself to impromptu dates or spontaneity.

The second… based on something he said on his eHarmony profile, he finds profanity to be a real turn off.  Meanwhile I find it to be an important part of my daily vocabulary.  I was so careful last night!  I really tried to avoid blurting out anything stupid.  I mean, I don’t walk around just spewing curse words at random, but I do enjoy the well-placed obscenity here and there.  I’m not sure how this is going to work.  Hopefully he will think I’m cute enough that my use of the f-word at times will seem charming?  (I won’t hold my breath on that one.)

Okay, so those are the bad things.  Minor stuff, really.

Now for the good things, which far outnumber the negatives!  He’s a retired executive with a Duke University M.B.A. and a very successful career.  Ex-wife has been gone long enough she’s not lurking around to cause trouble.  Kids are about 30 years old so they are grown and gone, but not so old that they’re too close to my age.  (He is 18 years older than me, and I didn’t list that under the negatives because I just don’t see it as one.  But, given that age difference, it would be possible for him to have kids close to my age, and that’s never a good thing).  He’s tall and built like a brick house from playing tons and tons of tennis.  Even has a cute butt, which is rare on a 65 year old man I must say.  He has a full head of pretty silver hair and very striking, classically handsome features.  He loves the ocean and the water and that makes two of us!  And get this… my second marriage lasted about five days before I knew I screwed up.  Thank goodness it wasn’t legally binding, as you’ll recall.  Well, guess who else had a second marriage that was about as successful?  Yeah, eHarmony guy!  I mean, I’m sorry he had that happen to him but we do have that in common.  Nothing like thinking you’re on the road to relationship happiness and finding out that the person riding shotgun with you is nuts, now is there?!?  We’ve both been there and done that!

Anyway, so he has a lot of really good qualities and seems to be genuinely interested in finding a meaningful relationship.  So far, so good.  Now, about that date.

He took me to a Japanese fusion place that did not disappoint.  It was very upscale with outstanding service and amazing food.  I was well-fed on a hot pot of lobster, sea bass and prawns.   Next, he wanted to take me to a movie, and gave me two choices:  “Wild” with Reese Witherspoon or “50 Shades of Grey.”  He said those were the only two movies he hadn’t seen and was really interested in seeing.  After hearing what “Wild” was about I opted for “50 Shades” although I was a bit hesitant to see that kind of movie on a first date.  Admittedly, my concern was that something that risqué might make “Hot ‘n’ Horny Me” show up afterwards.  That would have been unfortunate, as I was determined to move slowly!

Well, the movie scheduling deity was in my favor because as it turned out there was no showing of “50 Shades” when we arrived.  The only movie available to see on our timetable was “Wild” so we went with that.  Once we got settled in to our seats we linked arms and that was kind of nice.  And sweet.  Ever-so-romantic but quite innocent.

Afterwards he wanted to watch the Carolina/Duke basketball game on tv back at his house.  I told him I would stay and watch a few minutes of it, but I had 100 miles to drive home and I didn’t want to get home too late.   He seemed genuinely concerned about my being on the road so after just a few minutes he suggested I get going so I wouldn’t be out driving after midnight.  I wasn’t sure if that was genuine concern or if he was really tired of me and wanted me to leave.  But, he walked me to the car and gave me a goodnight kiss.  And my my, it was spectacular!  The boy had game!

Highway-to-Monument-Valley-Photo-by-David-CardinalI drove home all happy and I daresay slightly giddy.  I also pondered the week behind me.  I felt relieved to have finally ripped off the proverbial band-aid where Six Flags was concerned.  It made it possible for me to approach this evening with an open mind and no thoughts about what might be possible elsewhere.  That was definitely a long overdue occurrence.  I feel that I’m no longer looking in my rear view mirror.  Instead, my eyes are focused on the road ahead, and the possibilities are infinite and bright.

This morning I got a very sweet text message from eHarmony guy.  He spoke very highly of the kiss, and said he “felt the chemistry.”  So it looks like we might just see each other again.  We both have busy travel schedules for the next few weeks so I’m not sure how we’re going to work out dating but I’m sure we’ll think of something.  Until then….

 

And The Park is Officially Closed

I cannot believe I unfriended Six Flags tonight.  And, I told him off.  Sorry Parks Closed blue

Was I wrong to get upset because he came bragging to me about having two dates with someone else?  I think not.  Especially since, what you folks don’t know is that I called him several weeks back and told him that I had very strong feelings for him even after all this time.  What part of that did he not understand?!?

Last Saturday on my birthday I really did give up on him.  My heart broke in a way that was hard to deal with, but, there was a peace about me after that where he was concerned.

Tonight I posted on FB that my date today from eHarmony went well.  He then suddenly pm’d me on FB, out of the blue, and said “I had a date, too!”

I ultimately lost my proverbial shit.  I said:  “You are genuinely clueless.  <Name> I am unfriending you. If you ever decide that I matter at ALL you know where to find me. Goddammit.”

He said he was sorry for upsetting me and I responded with something about him being extremely thickheaded or cruel, not sure which.   He said he didn’t think it was cruel or thickheaded to tell a “friend” he’d had two dates with someone.  And all I could think of was, “You know how I feel about you.”  So I told him that.  Then I wished him all the best and that was the end of that.

Now?  I feel even DUMBER than I did the other day after waiting on him to show up for my birthday!  Wow!  I am mortally embarrassed to admit that I am so genuinely thickheaded that I wasted this much time and energy on someone who is either truly cruel, or, is really that oblivious to other people’s feelings that he could be that insensitive.  I feel sort of sad that I have cut off communication with him but at the same time there’s a big weight off my shoulder.  I no longer have to wonder what’s going to happen.  I already know.

The bright spot of the day is I did have a really nice meeting with the eHarmony guy.  (No, that creepy doctor from their commercials didn’t show up to chaperone so that was good.)  We had good conversation and we’re going out again Saturday night for dinner.  And now I can go knowing that Six Flags is closed.  Forever.

If It Doesn’t Fit, Don’t Force It

83236-One-Day-Someone-Is-Going-To-Hug-You-So-Tight...Let’s be honest… the blog got mighty boring once I started dating someone last November.  I know it was a lot more entertaining when I had bizarre crap to report from Match.com

I am not sure how I feel about that….especially since this is really nothing more than a self-centered online diary….a really pathetic exercise for journalism that means less than two diddly-squats divided by who-gives-a-shit times ten.

But since we’re here….I just ended things with Fox two days ago.  You are probably expecting some juicy story about that.  There isn’t one.  He’s a super nice guy who pretty much hates everything I love, and, loves everything I hate.  Well, maybe it’s not that bad, but, we seriously had very little in common.  We both agreed that the beach is the best place to be and that we both loved to cook.  You can’t spend your life grilling at the beach when you have day jobs.  I didn’t see much point in dragging it on any longer because he needed a chance to find somebody he would have plenty in common with.  And so did I, although I’m not sure I’m going to make any effort in that department anytime soon.

I’m working really hard on my career and my business right now, so in some respects I am too tired to care if I date anyone or have any kind of social life.  I’m also starting some pretty intensive medical procedures soon (epidural shots for neck pain), and that is going to require a lot of travel for me since the doctor’s office is a 90-minute drive each way.  Who has time to date?  If I decide I need to get laid Bob (battery-operated boyfriend) and I will have to get acquainted with one another again.

I will say this:  my teenage son is growing up by leaps and bounds in terms of emotional maturity.  I’ll tell you how I know.  I had been having my doubts about whether or not Fox and I were compatible.  But, since I have been working so hard lately I was thinking, “Hey, I’m just tired and bitchy….”  On paper Fox was the perfect catch:  good job, homeowner, gourmet cook, no kids, no ex-wives lurking around, owned a place at the beach, owned a boat.  But something  just wasn’t clicking for me.

It’s okay to have some differences but we disagreed on just about everything, from politics to religion to how to deal with our dogs.  I just found I spent most of my time biting my tongue to avoid an argument.  I wasn’t sure how much of that was stress from exhaustion and how much of it was really incompatibility.

Anyhoo….so I’m sitting there talking to my son and my niece.  My son says this:  “Mom, I hope you’re still on Match.com.  I hope you’re still looking for someone to date.”

I inquired why.  And he said this:  “I really like Fox, he’s a nice guy, but you two are just not a good match.”  My niece nodded in agreement.  And I thought to myself, “If a 17-year-old senses there’s a problem with compatibility, maybe there really is.”  I chewed on that for another week or so, and I realized there was one really big problem:

I didn’t feel like I did when I was with Six Flags.  

My niece has even said, “You were so good with Six Flags.   You need someone like that.”  And I do.  No sense in settling for anything less than the real thing.  I was falling in love with Six Flags and sadly he just didn’t feel the same way about me.  Oh well.

I saw a quote recently that I loved… “Someday someone is going to hug you so tight that all your broken pieces will stick back together.”  I’m looking forward to that day.   Meanwhile I’m going to see what I can do about getting back to my blog and entertaining you mortals.

 

 

It’s Official…I Have a Boyfriend

pc56dMycBYep…I’m dating someone.  This morning I was talking to “him” and he said he considers himself “off the market” as far as dating goes.  I feel the same way, so I guess we’re dating.  This of course means that Match.com isn’t very entertaining anymore.  (Admittedly, there hasn’t been a lot of good entertainment on there lately anyway, but now I’m at a loss as to what to write about in this blog.)

I am sure there will be dating adventures to write about with him.  First thing’s first, since I won’t use his real name on my blog, I must create a name for him.  How about Big Dick Funpants?  No no no, that’s a tad crude. (Accurate, but crude nonetheless).  He does watch Fox News, which doesn’t make a bit of sense to me.  Maybe Fox?  Yes, I’ll call him Fox.

Fox and I discussed this morning what I’m supposed to write about if I’m no longer having all these dating escapades on Match.  As any good male would, he suggested that I talk about penises.

I think there’s probably some merit to that, but I’m not sure how many posts I can get out of that subject.  Those things are not photogenic at all, and they’re kind of personal.  I mean, you know, the one I’m used to might be very different from the one you’re used to.  And how many conversations can we have about shape, size, etc?  He said we could talk about the biggest ones, the smallest ones, etc.  Well, the guy who has the smallest one I’ve ever seen probably wouldn’t appreciate that.  Besides, it would be a very short post.

Ba-dum-dum.

I will tell you this:  if you want to see a bevy of penises, go to Craig’s List and look under the Personals under “Casual Encounters.”  Oh my.  That’s like a veritable penis parade.  A plethora of perky and not-so-perky penises are there for your viewing pleasure.  Much like snowflakes, no two are alike.  Some of them look dangerous enough to hunt with.  Others look rather pitiful.

The props in some of the pics are fascinating.  For some reason men like to use a beer can as a way of showing how big it is.  They hold a can of beer next to their member to give you an idea of its size.  Bud Light seems to be the beer of choice, I’ve noticed.

The captions and messages that go with them are just downright entertaining:

  • “Looking for a freaky woman”
  • “Would love to have a special friend”
  • “Show some love to the military”  (and yes, he’s got a full penile salute going on in the picture!)

My personal favorite in the personals today was not a penis picture, though. it was this post:  “I AM LOOKING TO HAVE A BABY. WE CAN RAISE IT TOGETHER OR YOU CAN JUST LIVE IN MY HOME. YOU DO YOUR THING I DO MY THING BUT I WILL TAKE CARE OF THE BABY, I HAVE A HOME OF 3 BEDROOM I AM 100 PERCENT SINGLE . I WANT A BABY. WITH A PRETTY YOUNG LADY.”

What a screwed up kid THAT will be once he asks his mom how she and daddy met.

Another post was from a guy looking for a woman who will poop on him.  Yeah, you read that right.  The best part was he offered to buy her dinner so she’d be able to poop.  I’m glad to see that romance isn’t dead.

Maybe my new hobby will be perusing Craig’s List.  That’s what I’ll do when Fox is watching Fox News.

 

 

A Woman’s Field Guide to F*$kers

Voila_Capture464

The elusive DoucheBagamus Fuckerous in his native habitat. You don’t need this!!!

I recently wrote about my “Fucker Magnet”.  Very simply, if there’s a loser, asshole, cheater, etc.–i.e., a fucker–I’ll find him.  The first step to managing this social disability is to acknowledge it.  “Hello, my name is ________ and I have a fucker magnet.”  The next step to managing it is to learn to spot the fuckers early, before wasting too much time on them.  So, as promised, I present to you my very first “Woman’s Field Guide to Fuckers.”

As you can see, we have identified many species.  When you’re dating, be on the lookout for any of the following men.  Why?  Because they are fuckers and you can do better!  Here we go….

  • Talks nonstop about himself and doesn’t ask anything about you.  He’s a selfish fucker.
  • Starts talking about a serious relationship before you’ve even had your first date.  He’s a manipulative fucker.
  • Shows up for your date wearing a do-rag.  He’s a classless fucker.
  • Demonstrates a little too much interest in his mother and her welfare.  He’s a mama’s boy and may very well sleep with her picture and an ax under his pillow when you’re not around.  In other words, he’s a crazy fucker.
  • Lives with his mother.  See above.
  • Wears a Speedo bathing suit.  He’s a douche bag fucker.
  • Has bloodshot eyes and all his friends have nicknames like Pipe and Toker.  He’s a stoned fucker.
  • Has weird kids.  Nuts don’t fall too far from the tree.  He’s a weird fucker.
  • Has been on Match.com for “years” and still hasn’t met anyone worthy of keeping.  He’s a slutty fucker.
  • Never answers the phone when you call him in the evenings.  He’s a cheating fucker.
  • Never invites you over to his place.  He’s a married fucker.
  • Has ungroomed hair in his ears.  He’s a gross fucker.
  • Orders “mer-LAHT” instead of “mer-LOH.”  He’s an uncultured fucker.
  • Starts talking about sex before you’ve even met.  He’s a horny fucker who is looking to get laid and nothing else.
  • He expects you to drop everything in your life to accommodate his needs and thinks this is reasonable. He’s a delusional fucker!
  • Bitches constantly about his job.  He’s a lazy fucker (who hopes you’ll take care of him).
  • Complains about generally everything.  He’s a whiny fucker.
  • Is a lousy tipper at dinner.  He’s a cheap fucker.
  • Wants to “go dutch” on the first date.  Again, he’s a cheap fucker.
  • Won’t stop applying Chapstick.  He’s a herpes-ridden fucker.
  • Insists on paying for everything.  The first time you get in an argument he tells you how cheap YOU are because you’ve never paid for anything.  He’s a martyr fucker.
  • Doesn’t like pets.  He’s a scary heartless fucker.
  • Doesn’t like your dog–your BABY–getting on the bed.  If you’re smart, he will quickly become a sleeping-alone-at-his-place fucker.
  • Believes that its always 5 o’clock somewhere, has trouble recalling your name after 9pm or has ever mistaken a closet for the toilet.  He’s a drunk fucker!
  • Just cannot believe that you didn’t achieve orgasm.  He’s an egotistical fucker.
  • Hits on all your friends, but gets mad when someone flirts with you.  Or, he smokes pot and bitches about your drinking.  He’s a hypocritical fucker.
  • Uses racial slurs.  He’s…duh… a racist fucker.
  • Watches Fox News.  hahah… sorry, had to throw that one in.  (He’s possibly not a fucker, but he is going to be slightly brainwashed.)
  • Has body odor, visible ear wax, or bad breath.  He’s a nasty fucker!
  • Has a badly groomed beard and/or mustache.  He’s a nasty fucker you don’t want to kiss!
  • Has all kinds of free time, all day, every day.  He’s a jobless fucker.
  • He’s over 30 and still plays video games on a daily basis.  He’s a childish Peter Pan-like fucker.
  • Rarely sees or talks to his kids.  He’s a sorry ass parent, which makes him one of the worst  fuckers of all.  (Seriously do you want a bunch of emotionally-resentful future step kids in your life???
  • Mispronounces a lot of words, and/or is generally not very smart.  He’s a dumb fucker from the shallow end of the gene pool.  He is going to embarrass you sooner or later.  Besides that, you definitely don’t want to breed with him!
  • Drives a truck that is disproportionately large compared to him.  He’s a tiny little peckered fucker overcompensating for his shortcomings (hahaha…. get it?  SHORT comings?   I kill me….)
  • He’s a roofing salesman in coastal North Carolina named Joel.  Just trust me on this one, he’s a fucker.  hehehe  (Sorry, that one was just plain personal.)
  • Thinks every man is coming on to you.  He’s an insecure jealous fucker.  Run.  Run fast and far away.
  • He hits you.   He’s a violent asshole fucker.  (If it were me?  He’d soon be a dead fucker.  NEVER let a man hit you ladies!)
  • Looks down his nose at anyone who makes less than 6 figures, shops at bargain outlets or lets their kids go to public schools. He’s an elitist fucker.
  • Sneaks checks or money from your wallet.  That’s just a sorry, lowdown, sneaky thieving fucker.
  • Leaves underwear on the floor, dirty dishes for you to wash, and empty toilet paper rolls for you to change.  He’s simply an inconsiderate useless fucker.
  • Won’t dance with you.  He’s a fun-sucking fucker.
  • Calls all women honey, sugar, darling, and thinks they all exist for his personal pleasure.  He’s a sexist fucker.
  • Won’t manscape.  Yucky fucker.

 

Many thanks to the wonderful women who helped compile this guide–them New Yawk byatches know who they is!!!!!

Do you have other species to add?  Post in a comment below or e-mail them to me at info@broomwithaview.com

Truth in Advertising

Crackbone_lonelymanLast night we had our third date.  I offered to cook for him,  and he was so sweet…he kept offering to take me out since I was just returning from a work-related trip.  He was worried I would be too tired to cook.

Sensitive and thoughtful.  I like that!

But, I assured him that cooking would be fun for me (because I do love it) and I was keeping it simple–steaks and salad.  I fired up the big grill and got it ready, and mixed up a simple homemade vinaigrette.  I made kind of a “busy” salad with three kinds of lettuce, grape tomatoes, pomegranate seeds, apples, toasted hazelnuts and some sharp gouda/cheddar kind of cheese.  He cleaned his plate and complimented me on it.

Half the fun was all the flirting and kissing that was happening while I made dinner.  Must not forget about that!  He’s still a very good kisser and he’s just as cute as he can be.  Calls me every day.  And that’s where the dilemma lies.

On Match.com people can see when you were last online.  So, I am hesitant to log on lest he think I’m looking for someone else.  I’m having fun and enjoying his company and not interested in trying to date someone else at the moment.  But what makes that even more problematic is if I log on and see that he has been online…then what am I supposed to think?  Maybe he is still looking for something better?  And of the utmost importance–where am I going to get new material for this blog if I don’t log on to Match?  Should I tell him about my blog?  Oh no…might scare him off!  I’m not sure what I should do.

This is the part about dating I hate.  I never know what the “rules” are.  They seem to be different with every person. I really wish every date came with a sticker that had the rules printed on it, kind of like the sticker on a new car:

  • Late model male with fear of commitment.
  • Has issues with ex-wife, is still angry about divorce settlement.  Don’t mention it.
  • Sexually deviant tendencies when drinking wine.
  • Wants to initiate all phone calls and contact.
  • Will continue to troll on Match.com looking for something better, so keep your account active.

No such truth in advertising, though.  <sigh>

 

To Sleep With or Not…?

I am intrigued by the number of people who offer me advice on whether or not to have sex with someone on the first date.  It is not in my nature to ask friends things like, ” Should I screw my date tonight?  I’ve never met him, but I was nonetheless thinking about good old fashioned monkey sex with a stranger.  Do I have your approval?

Even though I don’t ask that question, people still volunteer their opinions to me.  The truth is there’s really only one opinion submitted:  “If you like him, don’t have sex with him.”   Last weekend I had someone actually say (again, unsolicited):  “If you really like this guy, don’t have sex with him.  If you don’t really like him or think you won’t want to see him again, go for it and jump in bed with him.”

This sounds like some namby pamby crap I’ve heard before.  Yes, I heard it… in Sex And The City.
imagesCharlotte York: Wait a second! I thought you were serious about this guy, you can’t sleep with him on the first date.
Samantha Jones: Oh, God!
Miranda Hobbes: Here she goes again with ‘The Rules.’
Samantha Jones: The women who wrote that book, they wrote it because they couldn’t get laid. So they constructed this whole bullshit theory to make women who can get laid feel bad.

Steve Harvey (a game show host) says that a woman should wait 90 days before being intimate with a man.  It supposedly takes that long for him to build emotional commitment with her, and, I find that disturbing.  You’re telling me it’s a game?   “I’ll wait 90 days to have sex so you’re invested in me….” sounds manipulative and very much like someone in search of an M.R.S. degree.

Seriously, if that really and truly is how this dating thing works, then stop the ride because I want off now.  Why it is that in 2014 a woman still has to be coy, hold out, and play games or else she is described as having no self respect?   As women we have worked hard for equal pay and equal rights, and I find it hard to believe that any man worth having around would judge a girl as unworthy of his ongoing company because he asked her for sex on the first date and she gave it to him.

I’m not suggesting that sex should happen on the first date, I’m just saying that if two people are attracted to each other and having a good time, unless maybe you have some religious restrictions on sex out of wedlock, who is to say it’s a bad idea?  According to this study, 55% of singles out there have sex on the first date.   (Maybe it’s the other 45% who are having successful relationships by keeping their legs crossed?  I really don’t know.)  What I do know is that sexual incompatibility is a major reason that  relationships fall apart.  It is logical to me  that to head that problem off you would want to test compatibility sooner rather than later.  Not because you are easy, but because life is too short to spend three months teasing someone only to find out that you can’t find common ground in the bedroom.

I confess…I’ve “given it up” on the first date in the past.  Not every first date, but yeah, I’ve done it.  And I’d say more times than not I did hear from them again.  In one case I almost married the guy over two years later.  (Yes, I know that’s a bad example, but it disproves the theory that sex on the first date makes them run away!)  Any guy who is going to “hit it and quit it” just to see if he can is an asshole anyway, and not someone I’d really want to keep around in the first place.  Samantha Jones made a very good point:  “A guy could just as easily dump you if you f*!k him on the first date as he can if you wait until the tenth.”  

But even wiser words were spoken when she said this:  “The right guy is an illusion.  Start living your lives.”  

A Great Opening Line

On Match.com if you see someone who interests you there are several ways to make the first move.  You can “wink” or you can “like” their picture.  I like that approach because it’s subtle

DOUG7***

DOUG7***

and if you don’t get a response back, you haven’t risked much and your pride isn’t too demolished.  The most bold move, however, is to e-mail your object of desire through their private e-mail system.  It’s more along the lines of a private message than a traditional e-mail, in my opinion.

There are a lot of shy, awkward, and/or illiterate people on Match.com  Many of them send you an opening e-mail that simply says “Hey.”  I am always put off by that, because I figure if that’s the best you’ve got you either 1) aren’t that interested in me enough to have read my profile and comment on it, or 2) you are the kind of person who has nothing to say in a conversation, and, we’re probably not going to be compatible anyway.  I give it a shot sometimes, though, if the person seems interesting in their profile.  I figure “Hey, not everyone can be outgoing in an awkward setting like this.”

Yesterday someone named DOUG7*** winked at me, then e-mailed me.  His e-mail 500% longer than the stereotypical “Hey” e-mail so I thought, “Edgar Allan Poe awaits me…” when I saw it.  It simply said,

R u ready for me?

What a great opening line!!!  Sadly I had nothing else to base my answer on but the photo you see here, as he had no other photos on his profile.  Here were my concerns about DOUG7***

  • I’m NOT a fan of bathroom selfies.  They look very creepy.
  • If you’re going to take a bathroom selfie, at least don’t show me your toilet.
  • If you’re going to show me your toilet, at least put the seat down.
  • What the hell is that in the sink?  Is it a hair dryer?  Electric clippers?  Possibly an electric cattle prod he uses to torture his victims before he murders them?
  • If he’s not smart enough to know that electrical appliances and sinks are a very bad combination, I’m not sure he should be allowed near a box of crayons without adult supervision, much less a computer and a dating site.
  • His profile showed he was “new” to Match.com    I find it arrogant that he would bust in there with those bold words.  He should have started with something more subtle, like “Hey.”  (Seriously, I get a lot of those…)

My response was “Um…no.”  (You can tell on Match.com when someone has opened their e-mail from you.  I fully expected him to write me back and tell me I’m a bitch or something like that, but he opened it and hasn’t said anything else so far.  I’ll keep you posted on this newest chapter in my romantic adventures.)

P.S.  If you’re married, and were wondering if the grass is greener on the other side of marriage, you don’t have to thank me for showing you that you have it pretty sweet at home.

 

Cool Karma

keep-calm-and-let-karma-finish-it-32So I’ll confess… the thing with Lying Joel M. bothered me a lot more than I admitted to at the time.  And I’ll tell you why….

It wasn’t what he did.  It was that once again, I chose someone to be interested in who was just a lying bastard.  And the question I had is:  “Why?”  I know there are good men out there.  Some of my friends married good men.  I know they exist.

My friend Paige told me there is no doubt that I have a “fucker magnet.”  She’s right.  I don’t know if I was born with it, or if it’s something like a cancer that just developed and grew on its own.  (I also don’t know if it’s removable, but if it is, I want it out.)

So I did some long, hard soul searching about Lying Joel M.  And I realized that with him I violated all my own rules and guidelines for who I date and associate with from Match.com.  Here are the rules I broke:

  • I never give out my phone number until I’ve talked to someone for several weeks and established that there is chemistry.
  • I never go out with anyone until I’ve talked to them for several weeks and established that there is chemistry.
  • I never date anyone who vehemently denies the theory of evolution (because they are usually simple minded idiots).
  • I listen to my gut instincts… they are never wrong.

Yeah… I met him too soon, I went out with him too early, I slept with him too soon, and, when warning bells in my brain went off (“There’s no way in hell I came from a monkey… I just don’t believe in evolution at all… “) I ignored them.  When I was in Texas and couldn’t reach him at night, I knew something was up.  When I texted him and said “Can’t wait to see you again” and got no response, I knew there was a reason.

So, the fact that I did end up confirming that he was messing around with someone else wasn’t upsetting because he wasn’t “mine,”…. it was upsetting because I felt that by ignoring my own standards, I sort of asked for it.

What’s funny is a few days later, I finally connected with a physician I had been talking to on Match.com for several weeks.  Our schedules never worked out before, and, we finally got together for beers.  And he was cute, and funny, and personable, and intelligent.  And we’ve since had a second date, and I’m cooking dinner for him tomorrow night.

So … I got dumped by a lying, cheating roof salesman, but now I’m dating a doctor.  Sometimes shit just works out.  I love it.

 

The Really Broken Heart

broken heartI realized yesterday that there is still a big hole in my heart.  Maybe accepting that is the first step towards finding some peace.

Only my closest friends know about this.  I met Wayne when I was in college.  He was a graduate instructor in a class that I took and I was immediately taken with him.  He was not good looking, not well-built, and 20 years my senior.  I became absolutely enamored with him and his sense of humor from day one.  I was a silly little school girl with a crush and I sometimes wish it had ended there, but that was just the beginning.

After several visits to his office to talk to him about the class, and, anything else I could think of, it was clear we were attracted to each other.  He leaned in and gave me one of the softest, sexiest kisses I’d ever had.  From there my feelings for him grew by leaps and bounds.   My eyes lit up like a Christmas tree when he walked up.  My heart skipped a beat when he touched me.  I had never felt that way about anyone and I guess you can say that was my first true love.

One day, just a few short months later, Wayne graduated and moved over a thousand miles away…taking his wife with him.  Please don’t think ill of me, please.  When we met, they were separated.  Had I known that they would reconcile I would have never gone down that road.  But my heart was already gone by the time that happened.  I’ll never forget sitting in his lap and telling him for the first time how much I loved him.  I was absolutely devastated when he left and even more destroyed that he left without me and with someone else.

For years we had sporadic communication.   I didn’t see him, though.  I finally moved on, and, I found someone else–Jim–who I dated for over a year.  We were happy enough, and then one day I went to a conference and there was Wayne.  I hadn’t seen him in 3 or 4 years, and every old feeling I had for him came rushing back.  I ended up breaking up with Jim not long after that.  Even though Jim was a great guy, I knew he wasn’t the right one.  My feelings for him just didn’t hold a candle to those I had for sweet wonderful Wayne.  But still, Wayne was married and there was no future.  No hope.  My best hopes were to find someone who made me feel like he did.

Before long it had been another two years since we had seen each other.  I operated under no illusion that we would ever be together, until I ran into him in California at a conference we both attended.  This time it was different.  The sparks were there, and, our feelings had not changed.  We had some very serious talks about our situation.  He was still married, and loved her in his own way, but, they had a sexless, passionless marriage that just wasn’t working.  Meanwhile, the two of us had a chemistry that was  undeniable, and, he started to make references to being single at some point in the relatively near future.

There was a lot more back and forth I could share with you, but ultimately things just didn’t work.   It was clear to me he was never going to be willing to change his situation and be with me.  I eventually met someone I thought I loved, and I married him.  Another couple of years passed,  I went to another conference, and there was Wayne.

As soon as I saw him my true feelings were chasing me so hard that I felt like Indiana Jones with that big boulder rolling behind him!   In addition to still loving him, I was unhappy at home, unfulfilled, and vulnerable.  How in the world I kept from making love to Wayne on that trip is still a mystery to me, except for the fact that I do take marriage vows very seriously and I just couldn’t cheat on my husband.   I felt terribly guilty, though, just knowing what I really wanted:   Wayne, and no one else.

I’ll continue this story later….

The Tale of Lying Joel M. (AKA “Harley”)

My intuition never fails me.

When I was visiting family with Joel (previously referred to as “Harley,”)  he said a couple of things about his promiscuity in the past that made me kind of wonder about him.  And then while I was gone for three weeks I could never reach him at night.  He didn’t answer the phone, and didn’t answer texts.  I only heard from him during the day.  I started getting a very strange feeling.  I mentioned it to a couple of friends, and, their first question was, “Do you think he’s married?”

At one point he was so nonresponsive I decided that he was clearing dumping me.  I was okay with that.  About an hour after reaching that conclusion I got a text from him telling me I would be home soon, he wanted to see me, etc.  So I decided maybe I had just been a bit paranoid.

In all fairness, I need to say that we never agreed to be exclusive.  But he started using terms like “girlfriend” to describe me.  What does that imply to you?  I did make mention to him that I was a pretty monogamous creature.  That was sort of my hint to him, I suppose, that I wasn’t interested in seeing anyone else.  I had also told him I was not going out with anyone else from Match, but kept my profile open so I could find blog material.  He had no response to that.  And every time I logged on to Match he had been “active within 24 hours.”  Okay, fine.  I talked to my friend Steph about this and she encouraged me to talk to him.  I was planning to do that this weekend, since we had planned for me to go stay with him at his beach house on Thursday.

Wednesday, he informs me that he has to work Thursday and Friday, and, so let’s get together Saturday and Sunday.  Everything in my soul told me, “He’s a lying mofo.” 2014-08-08 03.07.15  Joel sells roofs and windows and sets his own schedule.  He frequently brags about that fact.  When he was telling me we had to reschedule he got this real fast pace to his speech like he was trying to sell me something.  In the past he had always been telling me to come on down no matter what.  Now, he has to sell exterior remodeling packages late at night?

When I returned home from my trip, I found major water damage in my closet.  Mold, ick, yuck, the works.  I was so looking forward to getting out of here and spending the weekend with him at his beach  house while the damage restoration people worked their magic.  As I sat here last night thinking about that I decided I needed to know if he was lying or not about his reason for cancelling.  I knew there was an easy way to do it.  And here’s the result….  check out this screen shot of our text messages.  I think the most offensive part was telling me he was “still working” at almost 11:00 at night.  If he had just grown a pair and said “I have a date with someone else tonight,” I would have still been hurt, but I wouldn’t have been just downright pissed off about the dishonesty.

Now as much as my feelings were hurt that my suspicions were right, I was having too much fun.  I knew he was shitting bricks with some woman in his house thinking I was on my way down there.  I had started this little childish exercise, and thought to myself, in the words of Carl Spackler (Bill Murray) in Caddyshack,  “I don’t think the heavy stuff’s gonna’ come down for quite some time.  I’d play on.”

2014-08-08 03.24.57So, I proceeded….and got exactly the response I expected. f I have one hot button issue, it’s lying.  Knowing that someone is lying to me just makes me see red and I can’t handle it.   It didn’t take long for him to call me and he said I couldn’t come over.  He was so flustered it would have been hilarious had I not been seeing red.

I said, “So you lied about having to work?”  He said “I did work.”  And that’s when I just stated the obvious:  “And you’re fucking someone else, that’s all you  had to say.  There was no need to lie.”  I don’t really remember what he said next, I think it was some half-assed denial.  And that’s when I laughed and said, “Hey, guess what?  I’m still sitting right here in my living room.”   To which he replied, indignantly, “So that’s the kind of game you like to play?”

Meanwhile a friend of mine was scolding me about lying to catch someone lying.  Whhhhhhhhhhhatever.  If I were really and truly a bitch his picture would be up here and I would not have blacked out part of his phone number.  I did leave enough of it visible so the next poor bitch who believes his line of bullshit might just have a fair shot at finding out what kind of person he is before it’s too late.  See what I did there?

I don’t even know what I said next.   I just ended up hanging up the phone.  I was angry, but I’m adult enough to admit that I was also hurt and embarrassed.  I was hurt because nobody likes to be lied to, especially by someone they’ve been intimate with.   And I was embarrassed because I said awhile back there had to be something wrong with him.  Why didn’t I just listen to my gut instinct about him from the start?

One thing this has made me realize… I am looking for somebody truly special and exceptional.  As much as dating different people is entertaining and all that, I really want to find that person who takes my breath away and fills up that empty space in my heart that somebody left a long time ago.  Maybe someday I’ll tell you about him.   Until then… I gotta’ fly!

 

 

 

Edgar Allan Poe? Definitely Not!

I swear, I don’t see how some of these people function in society.  Here’s the first sentence of a profile I was “matched” to today. Exactly as written.  Directly cut and pasted.

looking for someone to care for and to love someone to share thoughts and dreams someone to make every day a special to get threw like to walk hand in hand have romantic times suport each other in times of up and down

I’m going to write him back and send him this picture…. actually, I may put this picture on my profile just as a community service….

punctuation-symbols-first-grade

Dammit

I have been traveling now for two weeks.  By the time I get home I will have been on the road 19 straight days.  I miss my child, my dogs, my house, and yes…my boyfriend.  Or maybe I should just call him “The guy I’ve been dating.”  I don’t know.  I just know that my mind is really playing tricks on me and I am miserable.

I have convinced myself that he’s met someone else while I’m gone.   Since I’ve been gone he calls and texts less and less and I’m trying to figure out why.  Possible reasons:

  • He has met someone else
  • He’s busy
  • He has met someone else
  • He thinks I’m busy and doesn’t want to disturb me
  • He has met someone else

You can see how my mind works ….  very tricky indeed.

When I first met him I wasn’t even sure I was attracted to him.  As time has gone on I have really started to like him.   Plus he met my family and still speaks to me so he might just be a keeper.

We’ve never said we are exclusive or just seeing each other, so if he has been going out with someone else I really can’t get mad.   Will I be hurt if I find out that’s the case?  Yeah.  And I hate it when I get like that.  A few days ago I hid my Match.com profile.  He didn’t ask me to, I just did because I know I don’t really want to go out with anyone else.  I’m a monogamous critter at heart and just not good at juggling multiple guys, especially once sex is involved.   But I just logged in and it says he has been active on there in the last 3 days.  Soooooo….. I guess I’m the only one of us feeling monogamous?

I hate dating, dammit.

The Simplest Fancy Appetizer: A Cheese Board

If you are trying to figure out what to serve as a quick and elegant appetizer, you can’t go wrong with a cheese board.  Of course, check with your date ahead of time to make sure there are no food allergies to worry about.  (Heaven forbid he is lactose intolerant, you feed him cheese, and then the two of you end up in bed together later.  That’s just a really explosive and unpleasant combination.)

Okay, so to make a great little cheese appetizer, you need 10 things:

  1. 3 good cheeses
  2. 3 breads/crackers
  3. 3 accompaniments
  4. 1 serving platter (you can use a pretty cutting board, a ceramic tile, or even a piece of slate).

 

cheeseFor cheese, I recommend Trader Joe’s.  They have an amazing cheese selection and it’s all super affordable.  My favorites are all very flavorful:  a great sharp cheddar (New Zealand cheddar is awesome), a chevre (creamy white goat cheese), and, a nice blue cheese.  But, to cater to more appetites you probably want to do a sharp cheese, a medium cheese like a gouda and then a mild and creamy cheese like brie.
For breads/crackers, I recommend a good french baguette, something earthy like a nutty 9 grain bread, and maybe some water crackers since they are bland enough to let the flavor of the cheeses shine through.

For accompaniments…. wow, there are so many things that go well with cheese!  Choose from any of these:

  • Salami
  • Proscuitto
  • Ham
  • Olives (get good quality olives from the deli, not the cheap ones from a jar)
  • Apple wedges
  • Pear wedges
  • Grapes
  • Bacon
  • Banana Peppers
  • Honey
  • Mustard
  • Walnuts
  • Almonds (roasted and/or smoked)
  • Cashews
  • Aged balsamic vinegar
  • Chutney

Here is a great article about choosing accompaniments.

Then, arrange your cheese on the serving dish, alternating the hunks of cheese with the various accompaniments and breads.  See the photograph for one example.

This is an elegant but easy-to-make welcome platter for your guest(s).  Enjoy!