Speedos, Part Deux

I’ve caught a lot of flack for my first post on Speedo bathing suits.  Just read the comments over there and you’ll see what I mean.  I have apparently offended some men out there.

In my defense, I’m not the only person who feels this way.  Check out the comments on this Jezebel article and you’ll see that I’m not alone.  The bottom line for me, and for many other women, is we just don’t want to see your dick through your bathing suit.  It’s too much information.  Sorry guys, but if you saw a woman with an extreme camel toe bikini on I doubt you’d like it, either.

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It isn’t just about how you’re built, men.  I previously said that I didn’t mind seeing well-built Olympic swimmers in Speedos, but the truth is I think they also look ridiculous in those little “budgie smugglers.”  I realize they wear them for competition, and I understand why, but I still find a pair of board shorts a LOT sexier and more appealing.  And, so do most of the women I’ve discussed this subject with.

Someone also pointed out to me that they see a lot of women on the beach wearing bathing suits that are excessively revealing.  Well, they need to fix that.  I think it’s important to dress for the body you have, not the body you wish you had.  I wear a one-piece, and I will the rest of my life.  I know my limitations and I know I simply do not have the figure for anything less than a steel-belted radial lifting/firming/shaping bathing suit.  So, that’s what I wear.  I’m not out there flashing my gut or rocking a camel toe for all the world to see.

So, take offense if you like, get mad, and tell me to grow up (as one person did).  I still think the little marble bag banana hammock swim suits look ridiculous and provide entirely too much information about a man’s anatomy.  Nothing is going to change that.

Ladies, what do you think?

Hemorrhoids & Too Much Information

The other day someone left me a voicemail.  It was so inappropriate and disturbing Hemorrhoids3-500x333that I feel compelled to share it.

I had been trying to reach this person by phone, to discuss something rather mundane.  I had called several times and gotten no answer.  Had left a message, gotten no return call.  So when they called me back, and I was on the other line, they left a message.

This is the verbatim transcript of it:

“Hey, sorry it took me so long to get back to you.  I’ve been laying on my side with an exposed hemorrhoid and constipation for five days and today’s the first day I can let my butthole go and nothin’ try to come out.  But anyway, it hurts, it made it raw, my butt cheeks are bleeding.”

After rambling on about their asshole for 90 seconds or so, apparently they were intoxicated enough to think that perhaps they were leaving a message on an answering machine, rather than a cell phone (which is the only type of phone I have).  They decided I had picked up the phone and so the rest of the message is them going, “Hello?  Hello?”

This is why I don’t answer the phone anymore often than I do!

What’s worse is that, to find a graphic for this post, I Google’d “hemorrhoids” and selected “images.”  I thought I’d find pictures of medications, commercials, irritated people’s faces.  Uh, no.

I’m warning you, people, do NOT Google that word and click on images!  Why?  Because apparently there are a lot of people out there with hemorrhoids who have cameras and are also flexible enough to use them to capture the moment.  <shudder>

Have a magical day and thank you for sharing this little nugget of joy with me.

And He’s Still Around…That Creepy Little Elf!

Last year I included a post about that creepy little Elf on the Shelf.  Click here to see it.  I’m revisiting the subject for 2015.

I had my child when the Teletubbies were a new sensation.  I was in love with them, and we watched those videos over and over again.  I loved those little twerps and so did my son.  I know other people thought they were stupid, juvenile, creepy, annoying, etc.  That’s okay.  To those of you who think Elf on the Shelf is adorable, I feel you and I understand you and I respect you.  I really do.  But, I still think he’s creepy as hell, sorry, and I get the biggest kick out of seeing what kinds of stuff people do with him each year that is..,ahhhh…. shall we say “inappropriate?”  Here’s a collection of my all-time favorites:

 

Really Stupid Jokes

995d621e9201e4c505508b900a0166ec And now for something completely different–a bunch of random stupid jokes that may (or may not) amuse you.

What’s green and smells like pork?  Kermit the Frog’s finger.

What’s invisible and smells like carrots?   Bunny farts.

Why are turds tapered?   So your butthole doesn’t slam shut.

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?   Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?   Put a nipple on it.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?  The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?  The one who can eat the last donut!

What is Bill Clinton’s favorite card game?   Poker.

What do you call a guy with tiny wiener?  Justin.

What do you call a guy with a huge wiener?   Phil

How do you circumcise a hillbilly?   Kick his sister in the jaw.

Knock Knock.  Who’s there?  Europe.  Europe Who?  No, YOU’RE a poo.

 

The Hazards of Travel

I hate to post something else bitchy about my trip, but hey, it is my reality.

My flight out of Vegas on Friday night was missed.  We were winning at the craps table and lost track of time.  Okay, that was MY FAULT.  It was not American Airlines’ fault.  But, the hateful shrew of a ticket agent just made the situation ten times worse with her attitude.  It was going to be another day before I could leave, and then she was going to charge me hundreds of dollars to get the next flight.  I have never seen an airline do that if you miss a flight!

I asked about flying into another airport.  She found a ticket for that, and wanted $350 for that ticket.  I lost it.  I’m surprised I didn’t have a stroke at that moment.  I should not have, but I called her a bitch.  I stormed off, ready to scream.  Someone yelled at me, “Hey….” and I realized I left my purse there.  Nothing like making a good scene and then fucking it up with a faux pas like that.

So I called my friend up, crying, and he came back and got me.  I had a nice evening and I rebooked a ticket online using frequent flyer miles–no way I was going to give those jackholes any of my money if I could help it.  The next day was nice, too, we did some sight seeing and a little gambling here and there.  I found a 70 year old man walking around downtown in nothing but a thong and I had my picture made with him.   That, alone, was almost worth missing my flight over.

This time, though, I got to the airport 3 hours early just to make sure I didn’t miss my flight.

I flew all night to Miami, then from Miami to Charlotte.  On the flight from Miami to Charlotte I sat next to some woman whose name had to be Amazonia.  Oh dear lawd she was big in that middle seat and she hogged the arm rest the entire way, I couldn’t move, I was edged almost out of my seat.  When we landed she insisted on stepping over me to get out of the seat before me.  Nothing like a 300 pound woman’s ass dragging across your lap to make your day seem kinda’ hopeless.

The good news is I am on the last flight to home.  The flight attendant is friendly and the flight looks to be not full…. which means maybe I can get some more sleep?  Oh hell no, there is a 6 month old baby sitting right behind me.  I bet it screams the entire time.  I can’t wait to snuggle up with my dogs, give my son a big hug and kiss, and flop down in my favorite easy chair and just enjoy being home.

P.S.  I’m now home.  Baby did not cry once on the entire flight.  Great success….then American Airlines lost my luggage.  WTF?!?

Rantings of a Woman Trapped on an Airplane

woman-talking_300So I’m on a plane to Las Vegas.  I’m going to a conference for work.  The guy next to me is quiet.  The people on the other side of the aisle are quiet.  It’s a nice quiet flight, except for the woman behind me.  Dear sweet Mary, Jesus and Joseph, she will NOT shut the hell up.  And she found herself a chatty buddy to sit next to, so they are talking nonstop.

Apparently he said something that was just beyond hilarious and she cackled and snorted and laughed while slapping the back of my seat.  That wasn’t too annoying <RMFE>.

I have turned around in my seat a couple of times to give them “the look.”  You know the look I’m talking about.  With absolutely no words spoken, it clearly conveys this message:

“Wow, are you loud!  I can hear everything you’re saying, and it’s annoying.  Nobody cares that your gerbil died when you were seven years old.  How did he die?  I’m betting he committed suicide to avoid listening to you rattle on incessantly about whatever the fuck it is that you were talking about at that age.  Please, for the love of all that is good and decent, and for the sake of my sanity, think about your surroundings and lower your voice.  Hey, I am going to call the flight attendant and order you a nice steaming hot cup of shut the fuck up if you don’t stop.”

I am absolutely certain that’s the look I gave her because for a while, she lowered her voice.  But it’s back up to maximum volume again and she is rattling on about this and that and she’s got Chatty Charlie back there chiming in and they’re talking about x-rays and illnesses and I’m thinking, “Your mouth… your mouth and vocal chords are in outstanding shape.  Bet ya’ got a clean bill of health on those.”

Oh she just announced that she’s a nurse practitioner.  I bet the patients she treats never need anesthesia.  All she has to do is talk to them and they just pass the hell out from boredom!

She’s headed to Wyoming.  Lucky Wyoming.  I’m just glad she’s not following me to Las Vegas because that would be my luck.  She’d probably be staying at my hotel.  On my floor.  And I’d have to hear that annoying laugh for three days.

I have some little mini-bottles of rum in my purse.  It’s 7:30 a.m. and I busted one out to settle my nerves.  I offered one to the guy in the seat next to me.  He declined.  Oh well, more for me.  I can feel the plane descending back towards earth now…..OH CRAP…I just remembered that Nevada is close to Wyoming.  I don’t know if there are direct flights to Wyoming from Charlotte or not.  If there aren’t she could be on my next flight.  I bet if she is she’ll sit right behind me again.  I’ve got to buy some earbuds in the airport, that’s all there is to it.

She keeps talking about being a nurse.  I have friends who are nurses I know would stab her in the neck with a scalpel if she talked like that all day every day.  Maybe she’s quieter at work?

Thirty minutes later…flight is over.  That was the longest 50 minute flight I can remember in a very very long time.  As soon as we landed I bought some earbuds for $37.50.  I consider that a bargain at twice the price for the next leg of my trip, which is a five hour flight.  Thanks for listening and Viva Las Vegas!

Y’all are Great / Random Thoughts

I have insomnia.  Here goes nothing….butthead

I have the best friends!  So many of you reached out to me after my last post to express concern and to try and give me a shot in the arm.  Thank you for all the love and support, it really helped.  I was just feeling sorry for myself and when that happens my heart and head always have to go down memory lane.

Speaking of memories, ‘ol U-turn boy called me yesterday.  He was drunk I think.  That was one reason I didn’t go out with him in the first place–I had a feeling he was always drunk, and I think my feeling was right.   I drink–but I am sober more hours of the day than I’m NOT sober.  This guy appears to be hammered all the time.  At least I hope he’s hammered–I’d hate to think that’s his natural demeanor and personality.

I did meet a friend-of-a-friend last weekend who I kind of liked.  We’ll call him David (because that’s his name).  He was funny and quick witted and very articulate.  Has a job, a car, and his own place to live.  Is well-liked and seems to be pretty together.   Not sure if I will see him again or not, but we were kind of flirty with one another.

For my age and height I’m carrying about 30 to 40 pounds too many.  I have tried to lose weight for years and nothing seems to work.  My doctor has put me on a new medicine approved for weight loss and she says it’s really helping people.  She expects it could knock 20 or 30 pounds off me, which would make me SO damned happy I am not sure what I’ll do if it really happens.  Probably run down the street naked?  Nah, too much hail damage to ever do that again.

(I’m joking, I’ve never done that.  As far as you know.)

I said something the other night, though, that kind of bothered me after the fact.  Was talking to my bestie, Kim, and I mentioned ol’ bartender boy.   I saw him last weekend, too.  I was very nonchalant and quite distant when he was around.  I’m not going to even think about flirting with that anymore–I’ve embarrassed myself enough.

Oh and by the way the woman he was seeing was out with someone else for Halloween.  Sucks to be him.   Shoulda’ taken me when he had the chance, he could have had a date for Halloween and not spent the evening with his mother, which is what he did.

But I childishly digress.

Anyway, what I said to Kim was this–“I’m gonna’ lose 20 or 30 pounds, and then he’s going to wish he’d have kept me.”

At 47 years of age am I still THAT insecure about my weight that I think someone does or doesn’t like me for it? I guess I just answered THAT question.  That bothers me.

Then Kim said, “Well I hope if he comes back then you don’t have anything to do with him.”

Excellent point!  I should completely blow him off if he suddenly decides I’m worthy of attention.  Butthead that he is.  Yeah.

Lots of travel coming up for work that will keep me busy and my mind off such things.  Before I know it, it’ll be Thanksgiving and that is one long weekend I am really looking forward to doing absolutely NOTHING for!   The next week is my holiday party and I have to start planning my menu for that.  I want do some completely different things this year.  Any suggestions?

The Gordon Ramsay Insult Generator

I do love to watch Gordon Ramsay cooking shows.  Yes, he’s a bit of an ass (“arse” in England) but the boy knows how to cook.  He’s also got a smokin’ hot body and some wicked eyes.

But I digress.

Anyway, I’m sharing this little meme just because it’s funny as hell.   What’s your Gordon Ramsay insult?  Post it in a comment!   (P.S.  Mine is “Shut the fuck up you lazy dick.”  Not bad.  Not bad at all.)10983214_10153464834956840_1504239669550620891_n

 

Penis Photo FAQ Guide

cartoon-penis3Brothers and sisters, I come to you today to talk about a subject that plagues many women on the internet.  A subject so delicate and sensitive that I hesitated to tackle it here at Broom With a View, but I decided that this is indeed a perfect venue for such a discussion.

I’m talking about the famous “dick pics”  that are all-too-common in the online dating world.  Some men apparently think that women have a strong desire to see pictures of penises.  Maybe some women do, but I daresay that most do not.  So today, I present to you the Broom With a View “Dick Pic FAQ Guide.”

(I have researched this subject and feel that I’ve compiled a pretty comprehensive list of do’s and don’ts for this activity.  Please feel free to share this with anyone you know who may have a penchant for sending snapshots of his willy across the internet.  You’ll be doing the world a favor.)

DICK PIC FAQ GUIDE

  1. Dicks do not make women drooling, sex-obsessed idiots the way that boobs make men.  We just aren’t turned on by them visually.
  2. Dicks are not photogenic.  Period.  Yes, we know *your’s* is special and different from the rest, but still… trust us on this one.  They.  Are.  Not.  Photogenic.
  3. If a gal wants to see your dick, she will ask.
  4. If you’re not sure if a gal has asked to see your dick…she hasn’t.
  5. If you’re not sure if a gal wants to see your dick…she doesn’t.
  6. The quickest way to turn a gal off is to send her an unsolicited dick pic.

 

I think that about covers it!

This has been a public service announcement sponsored by Broom With a View.  You’re welcome.

Bitch, Please

I love the bitchword “bitch.”  Sometimes it’s just a great word to use in a sentence, sometimes it’s funny, and sometimes it’s simply called for given the situation.

 

To celebrate this wonderful word I have created a Pinterest board dedicated to all things “bitch.”  I hope you love it!  But just remember, when someone calls YOU the “B” word, take it as a compliment because what it might mean is “Babe in Total Control of Herself.”

 

Speedos: The Ultimate Fashion Faux Pas

To me, one of the most hilarious and simultaneously irritating things in this world are Speedo bathing suits for men.  I don’t know why they get on my nerves so much.  Probably because MOST of the people136785-120912-olympic-swim-team who wear them just simply shouldn’t.  I mean, if I saw the Australian Olympic Swim Team in person?  I would admire their Speedos with great delight.  But, sadly, that’s never who I encounter wearing one.

No, I always see some hairy potbellied little European dude strutting up and down the beach wearing a marble bag and acting like he’s the cock of the walk.  Who dresses these people?

Now don’t get me wrong–I’m quite partial to penises.  They’re one of my very favorite things about men.  The penis is one of the male’s most useful assets.  But those things are just NOT attractive taken out of context.  Individually, they do not photograph well, as Craig’s List’s personal encounters section has proven time and time again.  (Don’t ask me how I know that.)  I simply don’t want to see the outline of one through someone’s bathing suit on the beach unannounced and without invitation.

899946_497096480355955_432592191_oYou know, when I went down to Mexico in 2013 to for my wedding, I got in hot water over a Speedo.  We were at this quiet resort that was so relaxing and absolutely stunning, except for these four loud ass Euro Trash idiots.  They did nothing but smoke cigarettes and talk really loud.  I have no idea what language it was.  And one of them had on a Speedo.  The louder he got, the madder I got, so I finally took a picture of him and uploaded it to Facebook.  It was partially my way of getting back at him for disturbing my peace and quiet, and partially a way to entertain myself while the fiance was on the golf course.

The bonus element of the picture was the very idiotic tattoo on his back.  It was, I think, supposed to be a sun.  And it looked like a butthole, as you can clearly see.  I was like, “Hey, that asshole has an extra asshole!”  His female companion, featured off to the right of the photo, is wearing a pale beige bikini that was equally hideous.

So I uploaded it to Facebook as a joke.  I said something like, “I shall name him Speedo Monster #1, as I’m sure there will be more on this trip.”

The (now ex) almost husband got pissed off about it!  He asked me how I would like it if he posted pictures of girls in bikinis.  I told him to go ahead because it honestly wouldn’t bother me.  Then, he publicly started asking my male friends if they would be offended if their wife/partner posted such a picture.  Nope, they would not, because I wasn’t saying I LIKED it.  Just the opposite!

It was at that point I started to see his controlling and insanely jealous nature showing through, which was a blessing in and of itself.  It’s good to know those kinds of things before you get officiallyspeedo married!  If I ever get engaged again, I’m gonna’ post the hell out of some Speedo Monster pics to see what kind of reaction I get.  If he laughs along with me, I’ll deem him a keeper.  Maybe.

My pal Forest is a SCUBA instructor.  He says he wears Speedos because it’s nearly impossible to put a dive suit on over regular swim trunks.  He is the only man I find the wearing of a Speedo to be acceptable for and he is allowed to do so, but ONLY when he is SCUBA diving.  The rest of the time he needs to don a nice pair of board shorts.

I have started a Pinterest board to share my collection of Speedos.  You can click here to see it.  

Now spring break is coming up, so I’m advising all my gentlemen readers who were considering dusting off their Speedos this year to just say “no.”  Do the world a favor and dispose of it properly in the nearest trash can.  Do not attempt to donate it to charity, because that perpetuates its life cycle.  It will end up in some thrift store, and do you think the average thrift store shopper really needs such an acquisition?  Or, worse, the charity will just give it to some homeless guy, who will likely use it.  There’s an image I could do without–some dirty smelly guy in a Speedo holding up a “Will Work for Food” sign.

Epilogue:   as you can see from the comments I have struck a nerve with the Speedo-wearers of the world.  I have posted a follow-up note that better explains my position.  Click here to see it.

That Creepy Ass Little Elf

4That Elf on the Shelf thing bothers me.  I don’t know why.  I’m sure if my son were still a little tot I would be creating things for that elf to do that would boggle the mind and defy gravity.

But he’s a teenager now, so I hate that little elf!   There’s a great collection of elf pics on Facebook I thought you might enjoy….

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.616916185040650.1073741847.100001668224181&type=1&l=997b2702df

Bitch, Please

I suppose we0822c14792b976862e1d292a9159db99 can all be bitches at times.  What kills me are the gals who are always bitchy no matter what.  They are either bitching at someone, whining and bitching, or just simply being a bitch to someone else.  I do my best to avoid these people.  I am sure there’s a very good reason why they are the way they are, but you know I’m no Dr. Phil and honestly I just don’t care about the why.  (“So your mother beat you with a shoe as a child?  I’m sorry.  Get over it and don’t carry on the same shitty traditions…”)

The worst of the offenders are those bitches who are nice to your face and then talk about you behind your back.  I just want to smack the bitch right off their little smarmy faces.  Don’t you?  My best revenge on them is just being happy in spite of them and then saying subtle shit back to ’em….

Bitch:  “Oh that is so cute… I didn’t know a girl your size could pull that look off but it really works.”
Me:  “Bite me, bitch.”

Okay, so maybe I’m not as subtle as I’d like to be.    In any case, please check out my newest Pinterest board called “The B Word.”  

 

Profile FAILS

I thought you might enjoy seeing some of the idiotic things people say on Match.  You know, what’s funny is that these people were “carefully” selected FOR ME by their Match making thing-a-majiggy.

Please note, everything I’m quoting below is shown EXACTLY as they typed it themselves.  I have cut and pasted it straight from the sight.  So, yes, it’s not your imagination that the first guy is showing off his mastery of the Caps Lock key….

Fail #1:  Mr. “I’ll Do Anything”

49 year old male.  Never married.  Opening paragraph on his profile:

“I WOULD IDEALLY LIKE TO FIND SOMEONE TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH. NO PRESSURE. I JUST LIKE TO MEET WOMEN. I AM TRYING TO MEET THE ONE. AGE TO ME, DOES NOT REALLY MATTER. JUST OUT THERE TRYING TO MEET AS MANY POSSIBLE.”

The View from My Broom:  So how is that “shotgun approach” to dating working for you, Mr. Never Been Married?

 

Fail #2:  Donald Trump

This 57 year old man is divorced.  By the way, Match costs, at most, $22 or $23 a month.  And the opening line on his profile?

“I am not a paying member here, so all I can do is wink . Thought I would be on and off of here in a few months, guess I am as picky as you are .”

Later, in his 87 sentence opening paragraph, he actually says this:

If you are too old for intimacy once we are together as an established couple, or like sleeping apart/ on the couch, that is not really what I am looking for. “

The View from My Broom:  You’re a cheap bastard, aren’t ya?  And I just bet that you snore really loud, hog the covers, or fart a lot in bed.  (P.S.  Stop posting pictures of yourself with no shirt on.  See my comments about that. )

 

Fail #3:  Mr. Picky

On Match you get to specify what you are looking for in a partner.  A 51 year old man appears to me to be awfully picky about what he’s looking for:

About his match

Height:  3′ 0″ (91 cm) to 8′ 11″ (271 cm)
Body Type:  Slender, About average, Athletic and toned, Full-figured, A few extra pounds
Ethnicity:  No Preference
Religion:  No Preference
Smoke:  No Way
Drink:  No Preference
Relationships:  No Preference
Have Kids:  No Preference
Want Kids:   No Preference

The View from My Broom:  Seriously, if you’re 51 years old and you don’t have ANY preference about any of this stuff, I’m thinking you should just put in that opening sentence that “Two tits (optional) and at least one hole?  Let’s do this thing! (P.S.  I really hope you’re also 8’11” tall, just for giggles).

 

Fail #4:  The Quinessential Charmer

Capture

The view from my Broom:  Just shoot me.