It Happened. It Really Happened.

It has been six months since I posted anything on this blog.  The reason?  I have been busy having an actual real relationship!  I was scared to write about it, for fear I would jinx things.  But, it looks like things are going to continue for the future, so I think it’s safe to share this with you.

I met Handyman over a friendly beer last summer.  Then we didn’t see each other until November, when we got together again for another beer.  Things started progressing in December and from New Year’s Eve until today we have been inseparable.  It has gone so well that he moved in with me.  I never thought I could live with someone else, but apparently I happily can!

All my friends like him.  My son likes him.  My dogs LOVE him.  He met my family and didn’t run away screaming.  He treats me like a princess and that’s what every girl wants.

About the only difference we have is politics.  He’s conservative, I’m liberal.  But, we just try not to talk about it too much and it works just fine like that.  When we do discuss it we are calm and respectful of each other’s opinions.

I first met Handyman on Match.com, so I give that venue credit for creating a good match.  Internet dating worked!   So for those of you out there who have been in the spot of feeling hopeless when it comes to dating in your late–very late–forties, I am living proof that things can work out for you!  Don’t give up!

Handyman

I have hesitated to write about this, because I don’t want to jinx anything.  But, I’ve been dating someone for a couple of months.  I found him just when I had truly given up, too.  I had deleted all my profiles off the dating sites and decided that I would be better-off spending my evenings and weekends painting, sleeping, or giving the dogs a bath rather than out trying to meet people off the internet.

Isn’t that what they always say, though?  You’ll meet someone when you aren’t looking?  I actually met him last summer via Match.com, but timing was bad.  We reconnected in November and have been seeing each other ever since.  I shall call him “The Handyman” because he does laundry, washes dishes, helps me cook, fixes things, etc.

We have a ton of things in common, and our differences are manageable and not a big deal.  We even share the same birthday!  He and my son get along great.  He’s got a great sense of humor.  He loves my dogs, and my dogs adore him.

I’ve enjoyed being with Handyman so much that it’s too comfortable.  There’s no drama, no conflict, no stress.  As a result, I have been secretly waiting on the other shoe to drop.  When is he going to finally open up and reveal that dark, ugly, nasty secret that must be hidden there?

Friday night we started talking about how much fun we’re having, and he said “I can’t figure you out… I’m waiting on the other shoe to drop.”  I laughed and said I was feeling the same way.

My pal Stephanie told me that instead of waiting for shoes to drop we should just both take off our shoes and have fun.  That’s what I’m trying to do.

Timing is Everything

So back in the summer I had a date with a nice man.  I’ll call him Ben.  We had a nice time talking, but he did tell me something about an almost dead relationship that was sort of an obstacle he had to get over.  He was very up front and candid about it.  I appreciated that.

We took a walk along the waterfront, had a pleasant enough small kiss goodbye, and after that I got a text from him that said he definitely hoped to see me again in a couple of weeks after I got back from a trip I was taking.

And then?  I never heard another word.  It was weird.

Of course, in that time I had several horrible loser dates and more dead-ends, and I finally just deactivated all dating site profiles and decided I was content to just be alone.  Seriously content.

About three or four months later, I saw Ben on LinkedIn.  We had a chat, and agreed to meet for a drink.  He had not contacted me because the relationship he had apparently wasn’t as dead as he initially thought it was, and had lingered on awhile longer.  But now, it’s definitely over.  We’ve had dates #2 and #3, and we have a fourth date planned for New Year’s Eve.

I’m not optimistic, because there’s been entirely too much disappointment in my romantic life for me to think my luck has changed.  I’m just taking it one day at a time and enjoying myself.  I just thought I’d remind those of you who are looking like I am … timing is everything.  Just because something doesn’t work today doesn’t mean it won’t have a chance at working tomorrow.  Hang in there.

 

 

Not One Little Bit

quote-oh-i-do-not-like-it-not-one-little-bit-dr-seuss-310198Something really funny happened last night I just had to tell you about.

I got tired of the ex-almost-husband contacting me, as I told you.  So I posted this about him.  I know it was kind of drastic, but dammit I am sick and tired of men lying on dating sites and this was one I caught red-handed, because he came to me!

This woman messaged me last night on Facebook and said something like, “I saw your blog post about Bobby, I went out with him twice this week and I am just sick to my stomach.  Please contact me.”  So I did.  We had a nice chat.  He had just told her his full name, so, like any smart woman, she googled his name.  And my blog popped up.

She was a very nice lady—a cautious woman with two children.  She was just sick that she had trusted him enough to give him her children’s first names, but, she had not yet had sex with him or even let him know where she lived. She thanked me for sharing what I knew.  She was especially shocked that he dated me for 18 months while dating another woman for 14 of those months.  I told her I was stupid to have taken him back and forgiven him after that.  That was my bad.  She said she understood.

I told her on www.pof.com I had not found one person who was sane and honest.  They were all losers and liars, and that I’d had much better luck over on www.match.com   Every man I met there was who they said they were, and, good men to boot.  I remain friends with two of the guys I dated from there (Chef Robbie and Fox News, sadly I had to kick Six Flags to the curb, as you’ll recall).  None of the people I met there left on bad terms.  She said she got more contacts on POF, and I said, “Yeah, but are any of them any good?”

We wished each other luck with finding a good man, and the conversation ended.

Anyway, it got me to thinking.  She could have gone to him and showed him my post to get his side of the story, but instead she blocked him on all channels (POF, Facebook, etc.).  And, if she found my blog post after three months, someone else will find it soon enough.  Eventually someone will tell him.  At some point I suspect he’ll be reading THIS one.

The fact is…everything I have said is the truth.  I’m not the one lying on POF, he is.  About having a college degree.  He doesn’t have one and never did.  To me, that’s a pretty big lie.  He’s also lying about not being a player, but that’s more of a matter of opinion I suppose.  Define “player?”

I would have never posted that if he hadn’t kept contacting me.  I asked him to leave me alone and he wouldn’t.  I paid an expensive attorney to tell him that, and he still wouldn’t listen to me.  So now, I have saved at least one woman from the heartache that I went through.  And I don’t feel bad about that.  As Dr. Seuss would say…”Not one little bit.”

I’m (Still) So Done

760443c74a5693c6d942994122e0a6d4I cancelled my Match.com subscription months ago.  I went over to PlentyofFish.com and gave it a shot.  I’ve now hidden my profile from view.

All I found on there were men who didn’t have a damned thing in common with me, or, men who thought it was their duty to tell me what was wrong with ME.  Like I fucking care what Cletus Numbnuts thinks of me????

When I saw Bobby’s profile up there, my heart just sank.  Not because he’s on there (although I didn’t exactly enjoy seeing his stupid banjo-picking low-budget ass), but because there he was, lying his ass off.  And I realized that probably everyone else is lying, too, and there’s no point in putting myself through that nonsense.

I’m just going to be alone when it comes to having a significant other.  I prefer my own company to that of someone I’m not a good match with.  Given some other things that happened this week in terms of family drama, I’m kind of in a slash-and-burn mood.  Might as well cut off all the things and people who aren’t bringing me joy.  That includes the parade of idiots from Plenty of Freaks.

I’m Just So Done

It’s been a high drama week.  I’ve been on Plenty of Fish (POF) for several months, hoping to find someone nice.  Nope.  I did find my ex-fiance.

The ex-almost-husband contacted me yet again! WHY he feels the need to keep crawling around like the miserable little cockroach he is just truly puzzles me.  But, I’m done playing around.

For the woman out there who has the good sense to do her research on him… let me fill you in!   I’m going to make sure you know what you’ve found.

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This is Bobby Gene Chandler.  He’s being awfully creative with the truth in this profile.  His Facebook profile says he lives in Newport, but his POF profile (shown above) says he lives in Cedar Point.  Not sure which it is.

He is NOT a “Christian” to my knowledge.  He told me how much he hated religion.

He is not an aircraft planner and estimator.  As far as I know he used to be, but according to Facebook he is now or recently was a “machinist” at Flander’s Filters.

The big lie?  He does NOT have a bachelor’s degree.  He finished high school (as far as I know), but I’m not sure he’s ever set foot on a college campus.  I don’t understand why anyone would lie so much about something that is this verifiable.

My lawyer made it clear to him two years ago to leave me alone and never contact me again.  This is the second time he’s contacted me since then.  He sent me this little e-mail on www.pof.com acting like nothing bad ever happened.  Like we are friends or something?  Please!

And the funniest thing…. says he doesn’t want a “player.”  Yet he’s the one who cheated on me for over a year, when we were supposedly in a serious relationship.  Why I forgave him for that is beyond me.  Just sheer stupidity I guess.

Anyway, if you are dating this man, be careful to verify every fact and detail that you believe to be true.  Sadly I’m guessing you’ll find that there’s some creative story telling going on.

Epilogue:   At least one woman saw this blog post and contacted me.  Read about it here.  

An Example of One That Didn’t Make the Cut

Last year I went out with Ray a few times.  He was nice enough, but extremely nerdy and had major temper issues.  He lost his cat temporarily one night and basically said he should end his life if the cat wasn’t found.  I decided then that he was not for me.

But, we remained friends.  On Facebook.  And here’s an exchange that happened yesterday.  This will demonstrate WHY he didn’t make the cut.  I deleted names and pictures to protect the identity of my friends, as well as Ray, whose identity I’d just as soon forget.


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Three Dates, One Weekend: Dates #2 & #3

online-dating-header2Well, like I said, when it rains, it pours.  I’ve been on such a dry spell for so long and then BAM, here are three eligible guys who all want to take me out on a date.  I already told you about date #1, which was Friday afternoon.  Here’s the report on date #2 and date #3.

Date #2 was early afternoon on Saturday.  We met at a brewery and enjoyed some craft beers together.  His pictures did not do him justice, he was much better looking in person than in his photos.  The conversation flowed easily and I think would have gone on for hours had I not said I needed to be home by five o’clock.  We had a lot in common and got along famously.

Date #3 was around dinner time.  He had to drive almost two hours to get here and I had already verified where he worked, made sure he was who he said he was, etc., so I had him pick me up at my house.  My son was home so they got to meet and got along very well.  We went out to dinner and again, the conversation was plentiful and effortless.  We laughed a lot, and enjoyed a good meal together.  He also was better looking in person than in his pictures.  After we ate I suggested that we either go to a new mini-golf place that opened up in town, or, we go back to my house and watch a movie and have some more cocktails.  He opted for the movie, and we ended up watching “The Hangover,” which is one of my all-time favorite movies.

Both #2 and #3 were very flattering and complimentary about my looks and my personality.  They were both perfect gentlemen, and both indicated that would like to see me again.  I have learned that too often people say that and don’t mean it, or, they change their mind about it before the next date ever comes to fruition.  So we shall see.

The good news is that I had a great time this weekend, and there were no ugly surprises.  Nobody chewed with their mouth open, farted at dinner or suddenly started pledging allegiance to Donald Trump (which would, I’m sorry, be a deal breaker for me.  I could forgive a fart, but not complete lunacy).  I’m about to go out of town for a week so I don’t have to think about what the next step is for awhile.  I do know I’m not good at juggling lots of guys at once.  This business of having three dates in one weekend is not something I will repeat.  But it sure was nice after such a long dry spell to have some options for a change!

Three Dates, One Weekend: Date #1

So when it rains,it pours.  I have had one date in the last year, and now I have three in one

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

Young couple holding hands with sun-flare.

weekend!  Apparently getting brutally honest in my dating profile about what I’m looking for and what I won’t tolerate was just the trick to attract some potentially good matches.

Date #1:  Friday Afternoon Cocktails

I met Ken at a waterfront bar and restaurant.  It was blazing hot outside, absolutely sweltering.  I had just come from a business meeting and had on a dress.  (A dress made out of a non-breathable fabric that had my ass sticking to the leather seats in my car thanks to profuse sweating.)   I cleaned up pretty good for this one, and felt pretty good about my overall appearance.

His pictures had not been very clear on Match.  They were all kind of distant shots of him so it was hard to tell what he really looked like.  YES he was very nice looking in person!  I was pleasantly surprised.

We sat and talked over beers and an appetizer for almost two hours.  The conversation flowed, we had a lot in common, especially in our love for the beach.  We laughed a lot.

He has been married twice, and has no kids.  Has all the things on “The List,” with one technical problem.  He still lives with his ex-girlfriend.  Apparently she has two small daughters and he felt obliged to let them live there so they can finish out this next school year.  He volunteered this information up front and was very candid about it.  He said they just live under the same roof but otherwise do not have a romantic relationship.  I think that’s a little odd and might bother me if we move forward.  I guess I’ll just have to wait and see about that one.

When we finished our beers we went walking on the waterfront.  He held my hand and we had a nice chat strolling along the docks.  Then we both agreed it was entirely too hot to be out there so he walked me back to my car and we parted company.

A little while later I got this note from him:

Thank you for meeting me. You are engaging, attractive, and intelligent. I hope I can see you again. I stopped by <bar name omitted> to watch the storm come in. Looking out over the river as the lightning flashes, thunder and cool breeze roll over the deck. Thinking of you.

This one shows some real promise!  I have dates two and three later today, one for lunch, one for dinner.  I’ll be back with a report about those!

“The List”: What I’m Looking For

downloadI thought I would share with you “The List” that I have posted on my online dating profile.  As I mentioned, it seems to appeal to at least a few men.   See what you think, and I’m always open to suggestions if you can think of any.

Thanks for looking at my profile! I remain optimistic that someone special for me is out there, but he’s going to be very hard to find. I am looking for someone who (reasons in parentheses).

*has a professional career and/or a successful business who is financially secure (I am a very self-sufficient, financially stable woman. We don’t have to make the same amount of money, but you do need to be able to take care of yourself and be able to interact with my professional career environment.)

*has a college degree OR equivalent military or professional experience (I have an advanced graduate degree. I have tried relationships with people who did not go to college. There is always too vast of a difference in backgrounds for it to work out well. If you haven’t finished college you must be exceptionally well-read and worldly due to military or other professional experience for us to be compatible).

*is single (I have no interest in being a married guy’s “traveling companion” or friend with benefits. If you’re separated please let me know the date your divorce is scheduled.)

*respects the fact that I do not participate in organized religion (you can do it…that’s fine. But I won’t. It’s just not my thing).

*does not smoke cigarettes at all (an occasional cigar or joint is fine with me, but cigarette smoke and smell really bother me)

*lives within a 1-2 hour drive (hard to date someone who lives much farther away than that)

*supports equal rights for LGBTQ (I have many friends who are LGBTQ. They are important to me, and I can’t date someone who disrespects them or makes fun of them).

*is turned on by an independent self-sufficient woman who makes her own living (it’s just who I am, and it’s a little late in life to change that. I’ve dated people who tried to change me. No bueno.)

*loves dogs or at least enjoys dog presence (I have two dogs that are family members to me. I adore them. I have also never met anyone who dislikes dogs that I really have much in common with).

I will be back later to tell you about the three meet and greets this weekend!

 

From the Trenches….

Just an update for you, in case you’re wondering how dating is going.  After many month sof hitting on absolutely NOTHING on Match.com, I decided to try Plenty of Fish  again.  I wasn’t having any luck on Match.

Then, one day I had a great coffee date with a guy named Charlie.  He seemed to be very interested in me.  He said he wanted to see me again, and he e-mailed me a few times, then disappeared.  No more Match account, and no more e-mails.  Ghosted again.  

Not long after that, I had a date with Butch, a doctor.  I enjoyed his company but he had a mustache that drove me crazy.  I don’t like mustaches in general, unless they are accompanied by a beard.  I think just a mustache looks very “porn-star-ish.”  But, I figured if he stuck around long enough I could tell him, “Hon, not only is your mustache a distraction, it’s also poorly groomed.  Here’s $20, go buy some taste on your way to the barber shop to have that shit shaved off your lip.  You look like you’ve been bobbing for caterpillars.”

(Or something like that).

We met once for drinks and a bite to eat, and it went very well.  Then we went out on a date one night, and that also went well.  He travels a lot for work and so do I, so we didn’t see each other for the next two or three weeks or so.  He texted me a few times, and seemed interested.  Then one day I got an e-mail from him that said he didn’t think we should see each other or try to move forward any further.  I have no idea what that was about.  In a way it was a relief because I really did dread dealing with that mustache issue.

So I was getting very frustrated.  I had changed my online profile to include a “must-have” list.  I decided if I was going to have any success, I needed to be very up front about what I wanted.  So, I made a list.  “The List” as it has become known has all the qualities I’m looking for in a man.  Things I must have.  For instance, it says that any suitor of mine must love dogs.  I’m not going to deal with someone who doesn’t appreciate dog presence.  It also says that my perfect mate will respect and support equal rights for LGBTQ persons, because I have several friends who are LGBTQ and I can’t date someone who doesn’t respect them or who makes fun of them.

“The List” is NOT superficial.  It says nothing about looks, build, occupation, income, or penis size.  It is a carefully thought-out list of things that are really important to me, and it was created in large part due to bad experiences that I do not care to repeat.

I received several nasty notes from guys who did not meet the requirements set forth on the list.  “Do you honestly expect to find someone like this?” was what one guy asked me, while simultaneously calling me an “alpha female.”  I blocked his ass and moved on about my day.

One day, though, I was contacted by someone who said, “I’ve read your list.  I think it’s great.  I think I meet everything on it.  Hope to talk to you more.”   And then I got another e-mail, and another!  So this weekend, I have THREE meet-and-greet dates with three different people.  All of them seem very nice, and I’m excited to meet them all.   Fingers crossed that these go well.

Dating Grammar Hell

bad-grammarI thought you might enjoy seeing some of the delightful people who LIKE ME on Match.com   These are their opening profile statements.

I don’t need a guy who is great looking.  I don’t need one who is well-built.  I don’t need one who makes a ton of money, either.  But…I’m a grammar snob.  What can I tell you?   I like language.  I like people who can use it reasonably well.  Most people on Match.com just don’t think it matters.  Or else maybe they don’t KNOW that it does?  Either way, I’m completely turned off.

I am letting my Match.com account expire in 10 days when it runs out, and I don’t think I’ll be renewing.  For now, you just enjoy these literary works of jean-ee-us.7 6 5 4 3 2 1

 

 

Starbuck’s

This picture looks nothing like me, or the guy I had the date with today. We’re both about 20 years older than the people in the picture. But, hey, it’s at a coffee shop so it’s suitable for this blog post.

Today I had a coffee date with a guy from Match I just started talking to a couple of days ago. I  don’t usually try to meet people so early, but his profile seemed genuine and the communication we had by e-mail seemed sincere enough.  He had a nice face in his pictures.  A rugged, dark haired, dark-eyed guy who appeared to be Italian or Greek (turned out he was a combo of both).

He mentioned that he was heading to the beach and would be coming through my town on his way today, and wondered if we might meet for coffee.  His approach was very gentlemanly and I thought to myself, “Why the hell not?”  He suggested Starbuck’s, and we agreed to meet at 4:00 p.m.

I got there a little early, got a drink and sat down on the patio.  It was a gorgeous day–much too nice to be indoors.  I wanted to get settled and comfortable, and I also wanted to see him walk in and make sure he was what was in the pictures I had seen, and not somebody who was a lot older, or completely different!

He had told me he had a jacked-up step-side pick-up truck that he affectionately named “The Overcompensator” (I knew then he had a good sense of humor).  When I saw a big truck roll into the parking lot I knew right away it was him.

After he got out of the truck I waved to him and he came over to the table.  We shook hands, introduced ourselves, and sat down.  We talked non-stop, and found that we had a lot in common.  We both had found online dating to be very sketchy at best, filled with people who were … well, sketchy.  We both have a sibling we don’t have any use for (I know, family dysfunction is probably not a positive, but at least we have the same kind of dysfunction!).  One of the best things we had in common was our love for the beach.

A New York native (not just any New Yorker, but a Long Islander), he moved here years ago.  I love New Yorkers.  They are friendly, honest, real people, so the fact that he was from there did not bother me in the least.  His accent was really kind of cute.  And I was very impressed that he loves it here, rather than complaining about the south (which people from the north sometimes do).

He is gainfully employed with a reputable company, and considers himself a bit of a workaholic.  His younger daughter just graduated from high school, so his kids are pretty much grown.  He loves to travel.  He doesn’t like organized religion.  We both had some of the same questions about how the universe started, and what is really “out there” (or not out there, as the case may be).  He wants to take things slow, and just be friends first and see what happens.

He seemed genuinely interested in me, my career, my family, and my interests.  He asked good questions, shared some of his own anecdotes, and we had a lot of laughs.  He kept telling me how funny I was because he said I was really “dead-pan.” (I never knew I did that, but okay.  As long as he found it entertaining, that was a plus for me.)

In summary….I really enjoyed myself!  I didn’t even look at my watch until almost two hours had gone by.   I needed to get home to make dinner, and he needed to get on to the beach.  So we sort of concluded our get together, again with a handshake.

He said that I was very interesting, and a lot of fun, and that once he gets back from a business trip next week, would I like to get together again?  I said sure, I’d love to.  And, I really would!

So, perhaps there is intelligent, single life out there after all.  Only time will tell….

 

My Picker

pickerSo after encountering what was obviously a scammer, and a guy who thought we should go straight from talking briefly online to me coming to his house for a drink to sell my art work to him, I am very comfortable with my decision to unsubscribe from Match.com   My subscription ends in July (it’s paid up until then and they don’t give refunds), so I will continue to monitor traffic on there, but then I’m done.

I was discussing this with a friend of mine, who said “Match sucks… I’m on Plenty of Fish.”  I was like, “Hmmmmm…. should I give it a try again?  After all, it’s free….”  So I logged back in and updated my profile and started surfing.  Who is the FIRST person I see?   Ghost Boy!

Now that might not seem so strange, except for the fact that when we first met, he talked about how ridiculous and useless those online dating sites are, how awful they are, etc.  He went on and on about what a waste of time it was to be on them, and how all you encounter are the same old losers.

I tend to agree.

When I read his profile I just shook my head….

I am just a normal guy with a big heart…I am finished with the game players and am looking for someone who is ready to settle down and enjoy life. I am looking for a lady that is stable and is full of self confidence……feels good in her own skin, and does not have hang ups about herself. I like confidence!……. Heck, It does not matter what you do….just as long as you enjoy it! Tired of the games? Me too! Looking for a honest, caring, supportive and faithful companion. Have you purged your past relationships and opened up all the luggage and worked through the issues? Have you extinguished all the old flames still burning in the back of your head for someone else? I am not looking just for sex, games or to make someone jealous or help you get over the person that just dumped you. I am seeking a real lady that has it together and understands the real reason that men and women join together. Are there any women out there that are REALLY looking to settle down now days?

This is new since I joined the site…

1. Okay, I see that this is going to be difficult….you girls must get overwhelmed with useless banter…..If I drop off with conversation it is because I can tell you are distracted and not paying attention….SORRY, but that much I have figured out already….

Doesn’t like games, huh?   Could have fooled me.  Wants a woman to be herself, and direct?  Could have fooled me.  I was never “distracted” from our conversation, if anything he was the one who didn’t respond in a timely manner to texts and such.

I suppose I am still second-guessing myself when it comes to this whole dating thing.  I’m 48 years old (and the clock seems to tick faster and faster straight towards 50). What did I do wrong where he is concerned?  If I came across this profile and had not met him I would think, “We’re a great match,” but clearly we are not.

As one of my southern friends once said about another friend, “Her picker is broke.”  (For you non-southerners out there, a picker is a fancy term for a selection tool, and not someone playing a banjo or other stringed instrument.  And broke is just our more colorful way of saying “broken.”  I do indeed realize it’s grammatically incorrect, but it sounds more southern that way!).

I think my picker is broke!  

But, hey, it’s free to look, and interestingly enough someone from Match has asked me out for a coffee this afternoon, so I’m going to go see how that goes and I’ll report back to you…of course if my picker is broke how in the hell will I know what to make of him????

Me, Myself and I

Well so ol’ Ghost Boy kind of irked me enough that I decided to put him completely out of sight and out of mind.  I deleted him from my Facebook friends, and, I put his phone number on my spam numbers list and I erased any trace of his presence.

A few days later, something told me to look at my spam messages, and sure enough, he had made contact.  Something about “just checking in.”  I responded with a very cool, aloof and brief message:  “Assumed you weren’t interested.”

So he wrote back again to say he “understood that” and then started talking about how busy I was and how he had to go take care of his dad.  I just ignored it because there is one simple universal truth that I have found over the years since text messaging became commonplace:  nobody is too busy to send you a text message, if they really want to.

I have to wonder what his game is.  Or I should say “was” because I have stuck to my guns about not responding.  In my world, Ghost Boy is very much like George Washington, Christopher Columbus and Abraham Lincoln–he’s just history.

When I first met him he talked about how all the women his age were emotionally damaged and how hard it was to meet someone who had their act together.  You don’t get much more together at my age than I am right now.  I’m rocking my career, I have no skeletons in my closet (all skeletons are in the living room and visible to anyone who comes into my life), and I’m not emotionally damaged.  I’m not bitter, I’m not angry, and I’m not looking for a man to solve my life’s problems.  My son is 18 and self-sufficient.  I make my own money, I own my own house, and, I can’t get pregnant.  I’m a damned catch, I’m just not having any luck getting anyone else to recognize that.

That’s okay.  Out of all the top 40 hits out today there is finally one for people like me.  It’s called “Me, Myself and I” and it goes like this:

Oh, it’s just me, myself and I
Solo ride until I die
Cause I got me for life
(Got me for life, yeah)
Oh I don’t need a hand to hold
Even when the night is cold
I got that fire in my soul

So, the summer has started, I’m done with the school year and it’s time to have some fun.  Just me, myself, and I!

Ghosted!

Today’s vocabulary word, boys and girls, is “ghosted.”  This is when someone you are interested in suddenly just disappears and stops returning your texts or talking to you.  I just learned this word because it happened to me.

It’s a long story that really doesn’t matter now, but I met someone “live” in a coffee shop in town a couple of weeks ago.  We hit it off, he seemed to be really interested in me, he friended me on Facebook and called me.  He told me how pretty he thought I was, liked my figure, etc.  He picked me up from the airport when I returned from a business trip, took me to breakfast, and I thought we had a splendid time.  He texted me later that afternoon.  And the next day.

I asked him if he would like to come over to a cook out I was having on Friday, he said he would if he didn’t go see his father.

I never heard from him again.

Meanwhile he posted all weekend on Facebook from our town, so he apparently didn’t go see his father.

What.  The.  Fuck.  Am.  I.  Doing.  Wrong?????

Then I find out from someone who knows him that he’s got a reputation for being clingy and hanging around a lot when he finds someone.  So let me get this straight…now even the clingy needy guys don’t want to be around me?  I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, I really don’t.  I’ve tried every dating service, and every approach and I am still batting a big fat zero.

One of my besties tells me not to give up, she’s sure there’s someone out there for me.  It’s very hard to remain optimistic about that after all this time and effort.  And then there’s the people who say “stop making an effort, and it will happen.”  Well, I’ve tried that, too, and it doesn’t work.

I guess being alone is just what I’m destined for and I’m really okay with that.  I just thought at some point I might run into someone I could go do stuff with, and at least be friends with.  Can’t even seem to manage that.  dat

 

It’s Me Again

Image result for say no to match.comI apologize for neglecting BWAV for awhile.  A lot has happened in my business and in my full-time job that has taken up all my energy and attention.  Since those two topics are off limits for this blog (a self-imposed rule I instituted when I started it), I will spare you the details.  Let’s just say I’ve been busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.

I was going to cancel my Match.com membership because it was getting me nowhere.  When I signed on to do that, I found that it had just renewed.  For three more months.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong on there.  I see men post about what they’re looking for, and the description fits me.  I contact them, and they never write back.  Do I have bad internet breath or what?

Then, I get contacted by every mouth-breathing illiterate idiot on the planet.  And, they’re usually the same trolls who were hanging around the last time I was on Match.  They haven’t updated their pictures, which appear to be old and out of date.  They often look somewhat scary.

So, there’s a set of people I’m interested in, and a set of people interested in me, and there is apparently no intersection of the two sets.  It’s rather frustrating.  I have set Match to cancel at the end of this membership period.  It’s just not a good venue for meeting people.

Wait, I did meet one very nice person.  But, we just had nothing in common.  There was no spark whatsoever for me.  He liked hunting and guns and weapons and was always bitching about “kids today.”  I understand why, because he’s a university campus police officer and has to deal with the students when they are at their worst, but it was like we were on opposite sides of almost every issue.  I tried to like him, because he was a very fine, decent man.  But it just wasn’t right.

Next time I’ll tell you about the most recent “in-person” fiasco.

Politics, Sex and Religion

sex-religion-politicsI don’t think I’ve ever truly tackled any of the three deadly subjects–politics, sex, and religion–on BWAV.  But, I’m in a mood.  So, here goes, in reverse order.

Religion

I grew up going to the Winterville, Georgia, United Methodist Church.  I never fit in there, I never understood why we went, and I had lots of conflict about the fact that my mother was afraid if she drank a beer on Sunday afternoon someone might smell it if we went to Sunday evening services.  I also didn’t understand why my father’s photograph was in the church membership directory with the rest of us, but, he never ever ever went, not even for my baptism or confirmation.

And then there was the time in the late 70’s/early 80’s that the preacher invited some black folks from another church to attend, and a bunch of people boycotted the service and wouldn’t show up.  What kind of message was that?

I didn’t like church then, and I don’t like it now.  I respect faith, and I have deep respect for people who try to live with love and compassion in their heart–but I think organized religion generally does more harm than good.

I will never forget the scene in “Trading Places” when they were on the New Year’s train, and Denholm Elliot was dressed as an Irish priest.  He said, and I quote, “Religion is a fine thing…in moderation.”   And that pretty much sums it up.

Sex

Yes.  Often.  It’s good…best I can recall.

Politics

The older I get, the more I realize that the political system in this country responds to the one thing I don’t have–money.  And quite frankly, I’m sick of that shit.

It’s supposed to be one vote for one person, and I guess that’s still true in terms of the details, if not in reality.  I’m  tired of a system that allows big corporations and uber-wealthy people to buy the support of politicians that I cast my one little vote for.  I have watched, in my lifetime, people in government go from having rational and reasonable political views to being beholden to special interest groups with money.  This isn’t some allegation someone made about them in a campaign speech–I’ve watched it happen.  I’d name names but that’s not the point of this entry into my little diary.

The point is that I think politics should be back in the hands of little people like myself, and you, and every other average person who is slugging their way through life to get by in this world.  Yet when we can’t get half of our population to vote in a presidential election, what does that tell you about how people view their role in the political process?

So, I’m just asking you to do one thing. Just one.  And that is to vote.  People in other countries have died for that right.  It’s your’s now.  Use it wisely.

If you don’t know how to vote, e-mail me and I’ll tell you.

Alright that was a joke.  I won’t tell you how to vote, although sometimes I might want to.  Notice I haven’t said a word in this post about any candidate?  And I won’t.  If you know me personally and you want to ask me why I support certain candidates, feel free to ask.  I’ll share.

I also have one suggestion–start contributing to the candidates you believe in.  Even just $5 or $10 helps.  The people you support need to see that us “little people” matter.  No, we are not going to get invited to a black tie gala by sending in $25.  But, we will be affecting the political process one buck at a time.  And I think that’s important.

Finally, I’d like to suggest that if politics is getting on your nerves, or if religion is holding you back in terms of happiness, that you focus on sex.  I find it’s always the most pleasant of the three options.  And hopefully you’re having some, because I can assure you that I am not.   hahaha

A Report from the Dating Trenches

download (1)Well…so far so good I guess.  I have been back on Match for two weeks.  I’ve encountered all sorts of people who either can’t or won’t read.  I’ve been approached by PEOPLE WHO TYPE IN ALL CAPITALS and by people who have no knowledge of punctuation.  Delete, block, next…

One guy came at me very hard and heavy, giving me his phone number right off the bat, saying he was a professor at a university near here and wanted to talk.  I checked him out and sure enough, he was who he said he was.  I gave him my number.  Then he stopped talking to me immediately.  What kind of game was that?

Of course, there’s the guy with no photo on his profile who wants me to meet him somewhere.  Uh, no.  I told him I didn’t trust anyone who wouldn’t put a picture up.  He said he’d text me one, but I told him no, I didn’t want to give out my number.  He said okay, stay in touch.  Delete. Block.  Next.

I am talking to one man who is very smart, very literate, and has two master’s degrees.  He’s a retired marine working on a second career as a government contractor.  Into martial arts, and quite handsome.  Our conversations have moved along nice and slow, and so far he has not pressured me for a phone number or a meeting.  We were talking pretty intensely for a few days and he seems to have cooled off in terms of contact.  I’m just going to sit back and let him make the next move, although I confess pat of me wonders what in the hell I said wrong.

And one day, by mistake, I signed on to OKStupid.  I meant to sign on to Match and just typed in the wrong URL by mistake, not even thinking.  I had a message from a man named Peter who was quite interested.  He is a financial planner and showed me his website to verify his identity.  He volunteered that info without my asking for it.  We have talked on the phone once and have plans to meet for lunch next weekend at a midpoint between our two towns.  We’ll see how that goes.

So, nothing earth shattering to report.  Moving slowly, as I promised I would, and so far that’s working for me.  I’ll keep you posted….

Back in the Waters

abbycast_0I’ve been back on Match since Sunday.   It’s early Thursday morning.  I’m filing my first trolling report.

The usual bunch of creepers who pounce the moment you sign on were still there.  Three of them looked VERY familiar.  I’m sure they hit on me last time I was on here.  They did not seem to remember me, but I sure remembered them.  I’ve already seen Harley on there.  I remember him telling me when we dated how long he’d been on Match then.  That was almost two years ago.

My profile starts out with my list of things I require in a partner:

“I think it’s only fair to state up front what I need and want in a partner so I don’t waste your time. I am looking for someone who:

  • has a college or graduate school education
  • has a professional career and/or a successful business
  • is financially secure and stable
  • is not religious (or if you are, you can completely respect the fact that I am not)
  • does not smoke cigarettes at all (occasional cigar or joint is fine)
  • is not married (I’m sorry “she” doesn’t understand you, but I’m not going to play mistress)
  • offers up recent and unretouched photos of themselves
  • does not enjoy hunting for sport (you only kill what you actually eat)
  • is mature (at least 35-40 years of age)
  • supports LGBT rights in all respects (this is a social cause that is very important to me)
  • is looking for something long-lasting in terms of a relationship, and not a booty call.
  • can write a complete sentence and spell (most words–hey, nobody is perfect!) correctly.
  • is a gentleman.
  • is turned on by an independent self-sufficient woman who makes her own living
  • loves dogs (cats are okay, too, but you must be appreciative and welcoming of dog presence!)”

(The first item on my list really bothers me in a way because I am a first generation college student.  I have no airs or snobbery about my education, so I feel a little bit elitist having that as a first requirement.  But, I have married someone who did not have a college education.  And, I almost married someone who did not have a college education.  When I look back I can see that it was a large source of incompatibility in both cases. There’s a lot of background missing with someone who doesn’t have a college education and it’s extremely difficult to make up for that. I’m not saying it can’t be done–but I’m very leery of trying it again since I’ve been burned twice already.)

I culled one out today who was just weird.  He e-mailed me on Match about 6 times throughout the day.  I didn’t respond because I was at work. You know, earning a living.  It apparently frustrated him that I wasn’t responding so he just kept messaging me.  Can we say “needy?”  Once I was home from work I decided then that I better quickly drill down to the deets, so I asked him, “I’ve already pointed out that I have a list of things I am looking for in a partner.  Did you read it?  Do you meet all of those?”  He wrote back to tell me “all but….”

For the first time in my life instead of saying, “Oh, that’s okay” I just responded with, “I’m sorry, this won’t work.”  I promised myself if I did this again I would be hard core in terms of maintaining standards.  Yes, I can compromise.  But when I look back on my past, the two men I really and truly loved and respected had all the qualities I’ve listed.  Those things matter to me and there’s no sense pretending they don’t.  I would just rather be alone than settle for someone who annoys the shit out of me.

I am carrying on conversations with a couple of people who seem to show a little bit of promise.  Nothing to report yet.  I’ll be back…

I’m Still Thinking About It….Joining Match.Com, That Is

downloadI’m still thinking about joining Match.com again.  I’ve pondered it for a few days now, but still haven’t made up my mind.

As I think back on who I met there, I have to say most of the guys on Match were decent, nice guys.  Six Flags was an emotional fucktard, but he was still a decent person, as was Fox.  Of course, Lying Joel (aka “Harley”) was … well, a liar, but we did have some fun for awhile.

So, although I didn’t meet Mr. Right on Match.com, I did meet some reasonable people and that’s more than I can say for most of the people I met on OKStupid or Plenty of Freaks.

What I’m thinking, though, is that I need to really do some soul searching about what I’ve done wrong in the past when it comes to various people I’ve met online.  Which things yielded good results, and which things resulted in disaster?  In the process of doing that soul searching, I am making up a list, I suppose you’d say, of rules I plan on following if I do this again.  As childish as that might sound, I can definitely tell you where things have gone wrong before.

For instance, meeting someone before talking to them extensively has resulted in some awfully miserable encounters, just like ol’ “Mur-LAHT” boy.  Had I spent more time with him on the phone, I would have known that he was sorely uncultured and quite self–centered.

And yes, as much as I hate to admit it, I slept with my ex-almost-husband on the first date. Given how that turned out, I’ve vowed not to do that again!

So, I’m compiling my list of rules for dating.  And when I think about the relationships that have been reasonably functional, and the ones that haven’t, I have come up with these rules for dating that I’m planning on following:

  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them online for at least three weeks.
  • I won’t meet anyone until I’ve talked to them on the phone at least once, and for a reasonable length of time.
  • No sex on the first date!
  • I will ask very pointed and direct career questions before I meet someone.  I need a man with a professional career who can compliment mine.  I cannot ignore things like a huge disparity in income again, lest I end up footing the bill for everything like I did at the beach last August.  I don’t need a man’s money, but I definitely don’t want a man who needs my money!  (If I wanted to support someone I could have saved myself a ton of money in divorce costs by staying married!)
  • I will, under no circumstances, date someone who is out of work, in between jobs, or otherwise trying to figure out what they want to be when they grow up!
  • I will make sure I see at least three or four pictures of the person from various angles, and I will verify that those pictures were made very recently.  One of them must be close up so I can see if he has normal eyebrows and also to verify that he does not look like Santa Claus
  • I will not compromise on my list of “must-haves.”  As rigid as they may sound, I have never ever ever had an ounce of success when I waived them.  Standards are not a bad thing, are they?

So, that’s where I am.  Torn between joining Match.com again and continuing my love affair with alone time, I’m at least pondering a new approach to dating if I decide to try again.  The question is, “Will I?”

 

 

 

2016: To Date or Not to Date…?

1introAnd back to the thing that brought me to blogging in the first place:   dating.  I’ve been on hiatus from it for months now, and I still don’t really feel much desire to try again.  New Year’s Eve bummed me out a little bit because I didn’t have anyone to kiss me at midnight, but I was really okay with that after about 30 seconds.  I actually sat in my art room and created some things and just enjoyed the quiet.  I didn’t watch the ball drop on tv, and the new year sneaked in without so much as a hint of fanfare at my house.

The reality is that in spite of a few dating horror stories, 2015 was a damned good year for me.  I made some serious advances at work in terms of my career, and my bad back is getting better thanks to finding the right pain management doctor (who is treating the source of the pain, and not just trying to mask the symptoms).  My son is healthy and happy and moving towards graduating from community college, and after that he will move on to university to complete his four year degree.  He’s dating a very sweet, wonderful young lady who I love.  My relationship with my family is calm and peaceful.  So, I am just hoping that 2016 stays on the same, even keel.   Fingers crossed, knock on wood, throwing salt over my shoulder, etc.

1918049_10205024087394104_7940452014650020402_nI thus have no big resolutions for 2016, other than to remain happy.  The real question is should I try dating again?  Will that interrupt my happiness or will it add to it?  I’m not sure, but I have given some thought to joining Match.com again.  I think of all the dating sites it was the best, because it does require some financial commitment on the part of participants.  That financial commitment is about $20 a month, and it weeds out the real broke ass cheapskates out there–and I definitely want to avoid them!   I don’t need anyone else’s money, I don’t need or want a man to take care of me, but I definitely want to avoid any man who needs taking care of!

So, what do you think?  Should I try Match.com again?  Comment and let me know what you think.

I’m Still Alone….

It’s Friday night.  I went out with a friend for her birthday.  She had somewhere to be early in the evening so asked if we could have dinner at 5:30.  I was fine with that.  What I was not fine was getting home, taking off my make-up, putting on my sleep clothes and realizing it wasn’t even 7:00.

When I left dinner I started to go to a bar, but I don’t know anyone who goes to those places in town.  Everyone I know is married or doesn’t drink (or both) so the odds of running into anyone I know and like at a bar are very very slim.  Thus, I would be going there to hopefully find some single person who was also unaccompanied.  I’m 47 years old and I’ve never met anyone in a bar who proved to be worth the time it took to get to know them.  I’m figuring that reality of single life hasn’t changed.

I flopped down on the sofa and took a nap.  At 10:00 p.m. I woke up and was all alone.  Nobody in the house, my son was still at work.  No one to talk to, no one to hang out with.  And even at that point, I still don’t see the point of signing on to a dating website again.  My hope for that venue has just dried up and evaporated.  Still.

Do I get lonely from time to time?  Occasionally.  But it just doesn’t seem worth going back into the dating world to try and solve that problem.  It’s bothering me somewhat tonight because a friend of mine just passed away.  And I saw his wife’s post on Facebook.  She talked about how lucky she was to have shared the love of such a good man.  They were a cute couple–happy, content, and they had a real partnership.  It made me sad to think about the fact that I may never have that.  But, I can’t force it.  I’ve tried that before.  And it always ends up in disaster.

So it’s after midnight, and I’m still alone.  But, that’s okay.

“Date-Free” And Loving It!

12308259_10206153352046928_4122487327132630961_n

The face I made after listening to some of the people I met on dating sites….

It’s been over two months since I gave up on meeting anyone special.  I did have one or two other prospects that were carryovers from the online dating scene, but they quickly faded away.

One was named Allen.  He was a Naval officer who lived about 3 hours from me.  We met one day at an in-between point and had lunch, drank some wine, had a great time, and promised we were going to get together again.  Each time I would suggest something he was busy.  If he suggested something, I was busy with work or medical appointments or travel of my own.  Then one day he said he was coming to see me on Wednesday and taking me out to dinner.  Cool!  I was really looking forward to that.

I never heard another word.  Not one word.

There was no pathetic text breaking the date because his dog was sick with strep, no “Sorry, I can’t make it” call.  Nothing.  I am assuming he either met somebody else or he was with someone else all along.  No great loss, he talked a lot about himself and would sometimes leave me bored senseless from listening to his stories about work.

 

Since then, I have been completely “date-free.”  No social life with the opposite sex, and no prospect of one.  Candidly, I really don’t miss the ups and downs of checking a dating site every day.  Mostly what I found were scammers looking for a sucker, or idiots who couldn’t read (or couldn’t comprehend what they read).  It was exhausting after awhile.  So, I am back to the old fashioned standard of meeting people in bars.

That was a joke.  I rarely go to bars, and when I do I’m with my friends and not looking to meet anyone.  I just said that to see if you were awake.

During this hiatus from dating, I am getting to know myself a little better, I’ve had a lot more time to focus on my job and best of all I’ve spent a lot more time with my son.  These are all good uses of my time and I think in many ways they are having a healing effect on me.  I sometimes find myself with too much time on my hands, and that is not a bad thing, either.  I relax.  I watch movies or engage in mindless activities. As a result I don’t feel overworked or spread too thin or worn out.  Hey, the bright side is that if Mr. Right shows up maybe I won’t ruin it by being exhausted and jaded from the online dating fiasco!  Maybe there is something to be said for this “date-free” lifestyle!

Y’all are Great / Random Thoughts

I have insomnia.  Here goes nothing….butthead

I have the best friends!  So many of you reached out to me after my last post to express concern and to try and give me a shot in the arm.  Thank you for all the love and support, it really helped.  I was just feeling sorry for myself and when that happens my heart and head always have to go down memory lane.

Speaking of memories, ‘ol U-turn boy called me yesterday.  He was drunk I think.  That was one reason I didn’t go out with him in the first place–I had a feeling he was always drunk, and I think my feeling was right.   I drink–but I am sober more hours of the day than I’m NOT sober.  This guy appears to be hammered all the time.  At least I hope he’s hammered–I’d hate to think that’s his natural demeanor and personality.

I did meet a friend-of-a-friend last weekend who I kind of liked.  We’ll call him David (because that’s his name).  He was funny and quick witted and very articulate.  Has a job, a car, and his own place to live.  Is well-liked and seems to be pretty together.   Not sure if I will see him again or not, but we were kind of flirty with one another.

For my age and height I’m carrying about 30 to 40 pounds too many.  I have tried to lose weight for years and nothing seems to work.  My doctor has put me on a new medicine approved for weight loss and she says it’s really helping people.  She expects it could knock 20 or 30 pounds off me, which would make me SO damned happy I am not sure what I’ll do if it really happens.  Probably run down the street naked?  Nah, too much hail damage to ever do that again.

(I’m joking, I’ve never done that.  As far as you know.)

I said something the other night, though, that kind of bothered me after the fact.  Was talking to my bestie, Kim, and I mentioned ol’ bartender boy.   I saw him last weekend, too.  I was very nonchalant and quite distant when he was around.  I’m not going to even think about flirting with that anymore–I’ve embarrassed myself enough.

Oh and by the way the woman he was seeing was out with someone else for Halloween.  Sucks to be him.   Shoulda’ taken me when he had the chance, he could have had a date for Halloween and not spent the evening with his mother, which is what he did.

But I childishly digress.

Anyway, what I said to Kim was this–“I’m gonna’ lose 20 or 30 pounds, and then he’s going to wish he’d have kept me.”

At 47 years of age am I still THAT insecure about my weight that I think someone does or doesn’t like me for it? I guess I just answered THAT question.  That bothers me.

Then Kim said, “Well I hope if he comes back then you don’t have anything to do with him.”

Excellent point!  I should completely blow him off if he suddenly decides I’m worthy of attention.  Butthead that he is.  Yeah.

Lots of travel coming up for work that will keep me busy and my mind off such things.  Before I know it, it’ll be Thanksgiving and that is one long weekend I am really looking forward to doing absolutely NOTHING for!   The next week is my holiday party and I have to start planning my menu for that.  I want do some completely different things this year.  Any suggestions?

Irreparable Damage

stayI am at my favorite little seaside town in NC.  I came down here last year for Halloween and loved it so much that I decided to make it  tradition.  I have medical appointments nearby so I did those yesterday, and then today is Halloween.  I’ve enjoyed a home cooked breakfast at the bed & breakfast I’m staying in and now I’m sitting on the balcony enjoying a nice fall breeze.

I’ve been awake since 2 a.m. with a migraine and goodness knows I’ve tried to get back to sleep, but nothing seems to be working.  I’ve gone back through my blog and reread some of my old posts…. in particular the one about my Really Broken Heart (it’s a three-parter and you might need tissues, it just depends on how sensitive you are to romantic tragedies).  I was reminded of the story because last night I ran into a gentleman I know who reminds me a great deal of my first love.  I walked back to the B&B alone from a night out, and  I cried along the way from the memories.  And, I cried again reading the story.

I had my annual checkup yesterday.  The doctor heard something in my heart–a murmur.  That’s a first.  So, I’m being sent for an echocardiogram as a precaution.  If they find anything wrong I’ll get to see a cardiologist.  The good news is I live in a town with a world class heart center.  The bad news is I may have a heart condition.   I hate to sound melodramatic but do I have a broken heart?  Yes, I do.  It feels like it’s never going to heal.

It is so depressing to think that I may never have that kind of connection with someone else.  Ever.  I hope I will, but it may just never happen. I have to be willing to face that fact.  It seems like every time I meet someone I think I could feel that way about, the feelings aren’t reciprocated.  I feel mighty hopeless these days.   I don’t mean to be a downer–I’m just in a pretty bleak spot.  Thanks for listening.

 

 

 

I Made a U-Turn

1564472b3d8183322d8712f8d0ee78d1_400x400I met someone a couple of weeks ago.   We’ll call him Harry.  We’ve been texting back and forth, talking about getting together.  Seemed like a nice enough guy.  If nothing else, I would get out of the house and go have some fun with another adult.

So the big date was this afternoon.  He invited me to come watch a football game on tv.  I hate football, but I agreed to go anyway.  I went to the store today after working all morning and got the stuff to make ranch dip.  I thought it would be the polite thing to do to bring something to eat, and, I wanted to make sure I had something to munch on that I enjoyed.   I came home and made the dip.

As the time to depart approached I realized I wasn’t looking forward to going.   I almost called to cancel.  Then I thought, “No, give this a try.”  I finally got my stuff together, got in the car, and started down the road.

In the back of my mind I was dreading several things–the football, the awkwardness of trying to be on a date with someone I wasn’t really sure about, and, the concern that if we were drinking I wouldn’t be able to drive home and I’d need to stay there, which would ultimately lead him to think he could get some boo-tay and I knew that wasn’t happening.

I made it maybe a mile, and then I made a u-turn.  I came back home.  I called Harry and told him I couldn’t make it.  And I was relieved.

I think there was a bigger u-turn made today than just the one in my car.   I’ve been pretty comfortable in my own skin for awhile now, but I don’t think I’ve ever broken a date to be by myself.  I can’t decide if this is a good sign or if I’m losing it.  lol

I Wish I Didn’t

5O4T4ztLast weekend I went down to my favorite little seaside town for a weekend getaway.  Walked in the door of my favorite bar and my *very* favorite bartender (who I had a crush on) grabbed me hugged me and kissed me…. on the lips!  I was like, “Whoa!”  Shocked the hell out of me, because  I had heard he was dating someone.

Later that night I end up at at the local pub.  Lo and behold, there is bartender boy, off work and alone.  He keeps looking at me.  Making eye contact.  I KNOW he was because  I saw that shit myself!  So did my friend Kim, who I was with.  I finally got up the nerve to just have “the conversation” because I hate ambiguity.  So, I asked him to go outside and I just spelled it out.  “You know, I really thought we would go out again….I really liked you.”

What did I get back?

“I know you did.”

Then he proceeds to tell me that he’s seeing someone.  

They always say men are simple creatures (ie., feed ’em and fuck ’em and they’ll be happy).  Well, I’m a simple creature in my own way.  If you kiss me hello, and then keep looking at me all night, I’m going to conclude that you’re interested.  Apparently that’s not how it works with this one.  And then it got worse.

We wrapped up our conversation.  (I’ll confess I’m not really sure how it ended, between the vodka and the fact that I was mortified I have conveniently blocked it out of my mind.)   Went back inside the bar.  He proceeded to rub and hug all over another friend of mine who he is NOT dating.  Kim told me he never acts like that when I’m not around.   It was like he wanted me to see it and be jealous.  What the hell?

I know, I know what you’re thinking:  “He’s just an asshole.”  And therein lies the problem that troubles me now.  Do I have an asshole magnet somewhere in my body that just automatically leads me to these types?  If I’m attracted to someone does that automatically mean they’re an asshole?  Do I need to date people I’m NOT attracted to?  That seems like it would suck.

More importantly, how will I know an emotionally healthy nice guy when (if) one ever asks me out on a date?  This bartender is very well-respected and liked by everyone down there in that little town.  So what is it about me that brings out the asshole in him?  And why am I blaming myself for this????

The next day I decided to face my embarrassment head on.  Kim asked me if I wanted to go back to the bar, I said okay.  (At first, I said, “Hell no, are you crazy?” but then I decided to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.)   I found it very difficult to make eye contact with bartender guy.   But, I loosened up and decided, “Hey, I’m fabulous, and I don’t care what he thinks.”  I started having fun with Kim and my other friends over lunch and the night faded away into the distance.

Later on I was headed to the restroom and crossed paths with him head-on.  He asked me if I remembered the night before and our conversation.  All I could say was, “I wish I didn’t.”

Miss Me?

ccg116bHave you missed me?  Yeah, I know, life gets busy and you probably forgot about me, which I completely understand.  The reason I haven’t posted anything is because there’s been nothing really news worthy since I deleted my dating profiles.   I’m quietly wondering if I’m going to end up being an old maid, but I guess I’m not too worried about it.

I find that a sort of calm peace has settled over me since I made that decision.  I have no social life, but at least I’m not coming home after some awful date thinking, “There’s 3 hours of my life I can never get back.”  I’m not getting my arm raped by some touchy-feely weirdo who put up really really old pictures of himself on his profile.    I’m not getting my wallet picked by some guy who is 45 years old and thinks that I’m a money tree.  

I’m mostly focusing on work, and, getting a new business up and running.  I promised myself when I started this blog that the two things I would NOT write about were my job and my business.  So, all I’m going to say is all that those aspects of my life are going great and I’m happy, even though I’m also super busy.

I am still talking to one potential suitor who I started talking to just before I shut my profiles down.  His name is Allen and I’m just not sure if we’re compatible or not.  We’ve met once in person and he’s attractive, witty, and rather sexy to boot.  But, some comments he made during a recent conversation rather troubled me.  I’m not sure if I took what he said the wrong way or if he was showing a rather prejudiced side towards gay people.  I am giving him the benefit of the doubt for now but I really want to explore that fairly soon because I’m not going to date anyone who has issues with my gay brothers and sisters.  He also keeps referencing church and we all know how much that subject doesn’t really work for me.   I am not trying to be super picky, I’m just simply trying to determine if we have enough in common to go forward.  A gay-bashing Bible thumper is just not my cup of tea, and I’m still not sure if that’s what I’m dealing with.  I will report back to you when I know more.

Meanwhile, I hope everyone has a simply magical day!

 

I Give Up!

9867c1df6a02bced7ce81ee542b61db0I have decided to hide my profiles on the dating sites for now. I just cannot stomach anymore of the nonsense.

Today on Plenty of Freaks I received this private message from an interested suitor.  It is shown EXACTLY as it was written:

Hello I’m bruce love your pics beautiful nice profile to if you like to talk I’m hear I was saying I’m interested

Words fail me.

I have had a couple other guys (who are semi-literate) interested in and talking to me by private message, but I find that I just don’t give one wild flip about hearing from either one of them.  I got a message from one on Wednesday that I didn’t even read until Friday, and even then, I wasn’t too thrilled to hear from him.  He has no job and that’s always always always a bad sign.  If I wanted someone without a job, I would have stayed married to my first (and  probably also my last) husband.

For all you folks who told me I was wasting my time on the dating sites…. well, I’ve concluded that you may be right.  I think the last go around (with Paddy) was the last straw for internet dating.  I have lost my will to put up with all the crap you have to go through just to find someone who, on the surface, appears to be a good match and then within two or three dates you find out he’s got major problems of some description.  I’ve lost any sense of optimism and I feel like there’s simply no hope.  Almost two years of this process has absolutely worn me down.

I reserve the right to try again, but for now I’m going to focus on my family, career, business and hobbies.  In that order.

Why You Should Buy Irish Butter

irish_butter2

American butter on the left, Irish butter on the right. Notice the difference in color!

I have mentioned in a previous post about my preference for Irish butter.  My local warehouse club carries the Kerrygold brand and that’s what I’m going to tell you about today, but there are other brands and there are also butters from France, Denmark, etc.

Irish butter uses milk typically from grass fed cows.  The type of grass they eat and the climate they are raised in affects the taste of the milk they produce.   It’s just simply tastier than American butter.  Irish butter also has more butter fat in it, giving it a better mouth feel than regular American butter.  Irish butter even has a naturally brighter yellow color than American butter (see picture).

It’s a bit more expensive to buy Irish butter, but if you’re like me and you have to watch your calories (being over 40 suuuuuucks), when you’re going to eat something fattening you want it to be worth it!  If I’m going to spread butter on something I want it to taste really good.  Irish butter simply has a far superior taste than regular old American butter.

I keep two kinds of butter around–Irish for “eating” (spreading on bread and crackers) and American for greasing casserole dishes and other applications in which I won’t be tasting so much of it.  Next time you’re in the store, pick up some Irish butter and give it a try!

Small Bite of a Reality Sandwich

094c8afefe39cea7302127ffcb807b3bI’m visiting my parents this weekend.  It’s been pleasant enough, save for my father’s constant rants about how the entire country is being taken over by “the blacks” (he uses the term “the blacks” out of respect for me and my dislike of the “n” word).

1st Note to self:  next trip I need to remember to dig out my “Obama is My Homeboy” t-shirt to bring and wear.  2nd Note to self:  do they make magnetic bumper stickers that say “Honk if you Love Black People?”  If so I’d love to sneak one on dad’s car….  3rd Note to self:  how much money would it take to get my parents on the Al Sharpton mailing list?

Okay, so anyway, here’s where the reality sandwich came in…..I was looking at pictures around the house, and saw the one of our entire family at mom and dad’s 50th wedding anniversary party back on 2007.  And then I was perusing my Facebook feed and saw some folks celebrating 40 and 50 year anniversaries.  That’s when I had to realize I will never be part of one of those cute couples that’s celebrating a long life together.

Today I’m 47.  And a half.  Even if I got married tomorrow, to celebrate a 50th wedding anniversary I would have to live to be 97.  And a half.  The odds seem slim, especially since I’d first have to have a successful romantic relationship.  You know, one that lasts more than 5 or six weeks.

Now that I’ve written those words down and looked at them in the harsh light of daylight, I think I have a better chance of living to be 97 (and a half).

 

 

 

Man Boobs

Beer-gut-man-boobs-no-testosteroneI hate it on dating sites when men put up shirtless pictures of themselves.

WOMEN ARE GENERALLY NOT INTO MAN BOOBS.  Why don’t they understand that?!?!

Even if you have chiseled perfect pecs, I don’t want to see them online.  More importantly, I find that the kind of guy who puts up a shirtless pic of himself is almost always an arrogant ass.   EVERY man who has contacted me with a shirtless picture has also proven to be very cocky and over confident.

I encountered one such person yesterday.  He wasn’t particularly good looking, didn’t have much to offer in terms of a professional profile, but THERE WERE HIS TITS FOR ME TO ENJOY.  On top of that, he talked down to me, which as we all know is a sure fire way to get to… “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

Just say NO to man boobs!!!!

My New Approach to Online Dating

woman-rejecting-man-online-datingI have, over the last few weeks, taken a new approach to online dating.  It’s actually called “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

On my dating profiles I have posted a list of non-negotiable requirements for a mate.  And I state very clearly that “these are not negotiable items.”  So far almost everyone who has contacted me clearly does not meet at least one or more of those requirements.  So, then comes…”Delete.  Block.  Next.”

I have tried for almost two years to be kind-hearted, understanding, and open-minded.  And what ultimately has happened is I’ve tried to make chicken salad out of chicken shit more than once.  So, I thought I’d try a different approach–a ruthless one when it comes to culling out candidates.

Here’s my list.

I am looking for someone who:

*has a college or graduate school education
*has a professional career and/or a successful business
*is financially secure and stable
*is actually single (and not just separated)
*is not religious (or if you are, you can completely respect the fact that I am not)
*does not smoke cigarettes at all (occasional cigar or joint is fine)
*is not married (I’m sorry “she” doesn’t understand you, but I’m not going to play mistress–see point about being single above)
*offers up recent and unretouched photos of themselves on this site
*lives within a 1-2 hour drive of me
*does not enjoy hunting for sport (you only kill what you actually eat)
*is mature (at least 40 years of age)
*supports LGBT rights in all respects (this is a social cause that is very important to me)
*is looking for something long-lasting in terms of a relationship, and not a booty call.
*can write a complete sentence and spell (most words–hey, nobody is perfect!) correctly.
*is a gentleman.
*is turned on by an independent self-sufficient woman who makes her own living
*loves dogs (cats are okay, too, but you must be appreciative and welcoming of dog presence!)

If someone contacts me who clearly doesn’t meet all these requirements?  “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

If someone contacts me who clearly hasn’t read my profile in the first place?  “Delete.  Block.  Next.”

I know that sounds harsh, but, settling for someone who didn’t meet all those requirements has been the way I’ve approached dating my entire life, and I’ve ended up always, ALWAYS, with the wrong person!  The only common denominator I see with all those failed relationships is ME, and so I have to change what I’m doing.  I’m trying this to see what happens.

So far this approach has significantly reduced the number of people who contact me.  I’m okay with that, because before I was responding to several people a day saying, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think we are compatible.  Good luck with your search.”

So far I’ve had some asshole contact me and ask me who “hurt” me.  (“Delete.  Block.  Next.”) I am not going to apologize for knowing what I want and need in a man, and the right man WILL appreciate that I do!  I’ll keep you posted…until next time, have a magical day!

 

 

 

Why I Asked About Morning Breath

breathI want to thank the folks who responded to my poll.  The question asked was:

Do you expect your spouse/partner to brush their teeth before morning sex?   

The results were:

Yes = 52.9%

No = 35.3%

I never have morning sex = 5.9%

What is sex, I don’t remember = 5.9%

If you throw out the two single votes and just consider those who voted “yes” or “no”  …. the results are

Yes = 60%

No = 40%

I promised you that if you responded to my poll I’d tell you why I asked.  So here goes…and I warn you now that this will get a bit graphic.  If that concerns you, don’t keep reading.

I wake up every morning with the nastiest taste in my mouth.   It doesn’t matter if I brush my teeth before bed, I still wake up with what I am sure must be dragon breath to those around me.  (Yes, I have very good dental hygiene, it’s not a question of cleanliness.)   Some mornings the first thing I must do, even when no one is around, is thoroughly brush my teeth.

Having said that, let me also add that I am very sensitive to the needs of others in my life, and as a result, I would never subject them to my morning breath.   It’s been quite a while since I woke up next to someone I wanted to perform oral sex on, but to be honest, I would brush my teeth before that, too.  (I know that a hard penis doesn’t care about my breath, but I just hate the way my mouth feels in the morning until I have brushed my teeth.)

Soooooooo… what prompted me to take this poll?  It stems from my vacation and my encounter with Paddy.  Something happened on that trip that just absolutely grossed me out and I have wondered ever since if I’m  just a hyper-sensitive person with unrealistic expectations.  The results of the poll indicate to me that I’m not–while some of you really don’t care about this issue, a majority of you do.  And I’m glad to know that I’m not alone.

Here’s the graphic part (those of you sensitive to smell are going to possibly lose your lunch.  Get ready)….

On Sunday night Paddy was drinking beer and got almost falling down drunk.  When we went to bed he did not brush his teeth.  He tried to initiate sex with me, and I refused his advances only because it was late and I was tired (plus he was getting on my nerves being all clingy and needy, which was destroying my mood.)   I did not refuse him because of his breath…I was just tired.  I thought to myself, “I’ll make it up to him in the morning.”

When I woke up Monday morning, my mouth tasted like the bottom of a bird cage (as usual).  I went to the bathroom and brushed away the nastiness.  He didn’t do the same. Do you know how bad stale beer breath smells when someone hasn’t brushed their teeth in about 24 hours???   It’s nasty.  It’s especially nasty when they are on top of you and breathing hard.  And he wasn’t just breathing like a normal person… he was breathing HARD…. lots of airflow was coming out of that mouth that reeked of stale beer plus tons of bacteria cultivated overnight in his mouth.

I know I should have just said, “Go brush your teeth, your  mouth smells like a bum’s nut sack!” but I didn’t.  My bad.

This was the last straw where Paddy was concerned.  I had already endured his cheapness and refusal to pay for anything on the trip.  I had also endured his childish obsession with waking me up from a nap.   What I did not understand was how unaware he was of how he impacted someone so close to him with something as simple as oral hygiene.

So…. that’s why I asked. Thank you for responding to the poll.  I tip my hat to the 40% of those of you who are not concerned about this issue…. I commend your bravery!

Morning Breath…. to Breathe or Not to Breathe?

Should your mate/partner brush his/her teeth before getting jiggy with you in the morning?  I’m dying to know how you feel about this issue, and after I get some feedback in this poll I will tell you WHY I’m asking.

Do you expect your partner/spouse to brush their teeth before morning sex?

Sometimes You Jump the Gun

WTFI thought Paddy was a good match, and, I guess in some respects he was.  But, the real test was vacation.  I rented a beach house for a week in the Outer Banks of NC.  And because we had gotten along so well I invited him to join us for part of the trip.  And he did.  And within 12 hours of arriving here I wanted to just kick his ass to the curb.

I honestly don’t know if he changed a lot when he got here, or if I just didn’t see some of his more annoying personality traits.  I suspect the problem lies somewhere in the middle.  I ignored some things, and, he also changed.  But, either way, the first day of vacation turned into a horrible experience.

First of all, when we went to the grocery store, he offered to pay for nothing.  He picked out two 12-packs of beer and didn’t contribute a dime towards the bill.  That didn’t sit well with me, especially since I had paid for the house and hauled out several hundred dollars worth of food for everyone.   Then when we got back to the house things got very annoying.  I had spent weeks and weeks planning what to bring, how to get everything out here, etc.  And, after doing all that, I was tired.  So I went to sleep on the sofa.  I was tired, did I mention that?   And while I was napping he literally fucked with me the entire time I was asleep.  At one point I woke up to find him three inches from my face.  He thought that was funny.  I did not.  I hate to sound petty, but do not fuck with me when I’m tired and asleep.  Especially on vacation.  There was simply a childish aspect to his personality that I had not seen before.  Or, that perhaps I chose to ignore.  Either way, it was annoying as hell.

My niece was here on the trip.  She found him to be very strange.  So it wasn’t just me.

I don’t think I want to date anymore.  I’m so discouraged.  I’ve heard people say I should stop looking, because a butterfly won’t land on your shoulder if you’re chasing it. I can appreciate that idea, but, I go nowhere to meet anyone, I don’t meet single people where I work who are remotely close to my age.  So online dating seems to make sense.  Or it did.  Like I said, I’m discouraged.  I think I’ll take a nice break from it and decide what my next move is.  Meanwhile, I have three full days of vacation left with my family and I’m looking forward to that precious time.

 

Well…

I have been quiet for a few daysTu_xqUUg_400x400 and I know this makes you wonder what I’m up to.   I’ve been very busy with Paddy, who I mentioned to you a few days ago. We have had several dates and spent a lot of time together.  So far my son seems to like him, everyone who has met him likes him, and I of course still like him.   We’ve cooked together, gone to the beach together, gone on a two-mile stroll around the park together, dined out together and drank a few beers together.  All of these activities were wonderful and pleasant and the time flew by.  We have plans for the coming week and I’m looking forward to seeing him again.

I’m trying really hard not to overthink this, while also keeping my eyes and ears open to what is really happening to make sure I’m being true to myself and what I want.  It’s hard to strike the perfect balance between going with the flow and just letting things happen and also being vigilant in terms of watching for problems and warning signs.  I just know there is a part of me that has been burned and disappointed so many times that I can’t help but hold my breath as I think about this new chapter of my life.  Actually I wonder if it will be a full chapter?  Or, will it be another disappointing short story that ends with some unpleasant moral for me to learn or be reminded of?

I guess only time will tell.

Dating Idiocracy

Today I present to you three dating site gems that only I could dig up:

Gem #1:  Because he thinks I was born at night… as in LAST night?

yeah2

 

Gem #2:  The Conversationalist.  (Please note that the “Umm” message was the FIRST contact I’d ever received from this guy.  That was his opening line.)

Lord Byron lives!

yeah4

 

Gem #3:  Freddie “The Redneck Terminator” Kreuger also lives.  (Guess what my answer was to the “Want to Meet Him?” question?)

yeah3