Welcome to my advice column! Get all your questions answered by simply e-mailing firstname.lastname@example.org I’ll respond to as many posts as I can here!
Dear B: There is no delicate way to put this, so I’ll just say it. My boyfriend is lousy in bed. He is especially bad at oral sex and doesn’t really stay after it long enough to give me any chance at pleasure. It’s like he thinks I’m a tootsie pop and he’s that damned owl who is finished with the job in three licks. Meanwhile, he’s never hesitant to expect oral sex from me. He’s a good guy but this is really getting on my nerves. –YL
Dear YL: I’m pretty sure you’re dating someone I have known in the past. That owl analogy is painfully familiar. And here’s the bottom line: either he’s coachable and teachable and wants to learn how to please you, or, he’s a selfish bastard and this is never going to get any better. I doubt there’s much in between. And I suggest a couple of things to you, the first being a complete moratorium on blow jobs for this man. Or, play like the owl and hit it three times then refuse to touch it again. Hopefully this will prompt him to bring up the subject and that will give you an opportunity to gracefully point out that you need more attention than a common envelope. The other thing I suggest is to just sit him down and tell him how you feel. That’s a hard conversation to have, I know, but if you otherwise think he’s compatible and you like him, it’s worth a shot. You’ll soon find out if he’s eager to learn or just selfish.
Dear B: My girlfriend is extremely jealous of everything I do, and everyone I talk to. I am a very faithful boyfriend and always have been, yet she gets pissed off about any contact I have with anyone besides her. If I get a private message on my phone, she automatically accuses me of fooling around with someone. If I wear cologne she accuses me of being “up to something.” What should I do? –SF
Dear SF: Run. Run away fast. This is crazy controlling behavior that will only get worse and not better with time. When I was engaged to Dipshit I experienced the same thing. People who act like this are usually the ones who are screwing around the most–it’s simply impossible for them to believe that someone else might be faithful! And, if they aren’t screwing around already, they will be soon enough because they will justify doing so based on your perceived, yet imaginary, transgressions against them.
Dear B: I am a single 49 year old business woman with a great career. Even though I have a good job and have done well for myself, my 83 year-old father insults me and puts me down all the time. With Christmas coming I’ll be visiting him and I’m dreading this next dose of emotional abuse. What should I do? –BP
Dear BP: Welcome to my world. Sadly some people have a need to bring others down, even their own offspring. You do have options. Personally I recommend taking a cruise instead of going home to visit. It’s more fun and emotionally much less expensive. Barring that option, your best bet is large quantities of vodka and sedatives. Either consume them yourself or slip them to him. Finally, I would play a few jokes on him, just to amuse myself. For instance, find books with titles like, “When Your Parents Become Senile and Need to Be Locked Away,” and conveniently leave them lying around his house.