Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life to move on and heal and be sane. I’ve realized I have to do that with someone. Someone you never want to have to do that to.
I’m sitting here at 2 am having doubts about my decision. Everyone says the mean, cruel, hateful behaviors that I’ve been subjected to over the years are just a product of a particular generation, but I don’t buy that. I know other people from the same generation who are nurturing, kind, and loving. (Seriously, I’ve heard of the Millennial generation and the Baby Boomer generation, but never “the Asshole generation!”)
My heart just aches and I feel so empty. I can’t stop crying. Things have been said that cannot be taken back. I am reliving all kinds of painful incidents. I’m kicking myself for things that I said that made the situation worse. I’m also looking at how others have been treated and I’m seeing a pattern of cruelty and abuse that looks very familiar. I want to write about the details but I just don’t think I can. It’s too raw and too painful.
I’m calling a therapist tomorrow so I can go talk to someone. I suddenly feel like there is this huge gaping wound in me that is not going to heal. I can’t think, I can’t function. I feel like I was hit by a truck. Then again, I’m kicking myself for letting it bother me! It’s like I can’t win and I am lost.