Saying Goodbye

Sometimes you have to cut people out of your life to move on and heal and be sane.  I’ve realized I have to do that with someone.  Someone you never want to have to do that to.

I’m sitting here at 2 am having doubts about my decision.  Everyone says the mean, cruel, hateful behaviors that I’ve been subjected to over the years are just a product of a particular generation, but I don’t buy that.  I know other people from the same generation who are nurturing, kind, and loving.  (Seriously, I’ve heard of the Millennial generation and the Baby Boomer generation, but never “the Asshole generation!”)

My heart just aches and I feel so empty.  I can’t stop crying.  Things have been said that cannot be taken back.  I am reliving all kinds of painful incidents.   I’m kicking myself for things that I said that made the situation worse.  I’m also looking at how others have been treated and I’m seeing a pattern of cruelty and abuse that looks very familiar.  I want to write about the details but I just don’t think I can.  It’s too raw and too painful.

I’m calling a therapist tomorrow so I can go talk to someone.  I suddenly feel like there is this huge gaping wound in me that is not going to heal.  I can’t think, I can’t function. I feel like I was hit by a truck.  Then again, I’m kicking myself for letting it bother me!  It’s like I can’t win and I am lost.

4 thoughts on “Saying Goodbye

  1. Hang in there honey. Definitely contact a therapist. I had an abusive father and an abusive husband. My experience is that a therapist gave me clarity. That helped me to think and function. It’s really hard parsing through an abusive relationship and realizing how I was treated. I had EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) which is used for PTSDs and it helped take the sting out of painful events.
    I’m thinking of you.

  2. I’m so sorry. I’m dealing with that this week AGAIN with dad and the evil bitch. I’m done this time too. It was bad enough when it was just me but now my daughter is being drug into it. I don’t know what you’re going through but just know I’m thinking about you! I hope we can both learn to handle these horrible feelings.

    • That was actually what set me off…. the way my son got treated. You always stick up for your kids! And you protect them with everything you have! I got told really quick that my son wasn’t as important as other grandchildren, and, that my son has “never done anything for us.” That’s because he’s been taking care of going to school and doing what kids are SUPPOSED to do–growing up, going to school and maturing. It’s also because I have been busy raising my child and not dumping him on my parents to raise–unlike some other folks in my family!

      Anyway, yes, I agree… I hope we can both learn to handle these feelings. They sure as hell do hurt!!!! Love you, Rebecca!

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