To me, one of the most hilarious and simultaneously irritating things in this world are Speedo bathing suits for men. I don’t know why they get on my nerves so much. Probably because MOST of the people who wear them just simply shouldn’t. I mean, if I saw the Australian Olympic Swim Team in person? I would admire their Speedos with great delight. But, sadly, that’s never who I encounter wearing one.
No, I always see some hairy potbellied little European dude strutting up and down the beach wearing a marble bag and acting like he’s the cock of the walk. Who dresses these people?
Now don’t get me wrong–I’m quite partial to penises. They’re one of my very favorite things about men. The penis is one of the male’s most useful assets. But those things are just NOT attractive taken out of context. Individually, they do not photograph well, as Craig’s List’s personal encounters section has proven time and time again. (Don’t ask me how I know that.) I simply don’t want to see the outline of one through someone’s bathing suit on the beach unannounced and without invitation.
You know, when I went down to Mexico in 2013 to for my wedding, I got in hot water over a Speedo. We were at this quiet resort that was so relaxing and absolutely stunning, except for these four loud ass Euro Trash idiots. They did nothing but smoke cigarettes and talk really loud. I have no idea what language it was. And one of them had on a Speedo. The louder he got, the madder I got, so I finally took a picture of him and uploaded it to Facebook. It was partially my way of getting back at him for disturbing my peace and quiet, and partially a way to entertain myself while the fiance was on the golf course.
The bonus element of the picture was the very idiotic tattoo on his back. It was, I think, supposed to be a sun. And it looked like a butthole, as you can clearly see. I was like, “Hey, that asshole has an extra asshole!” His female companion, featured off to the right of the photo, is wearing a pale beige bikini that was equally hideous.
So I uploaded it to Facebook as a joke. I said something like, “I shall name him Speedo Monster #1, as I’m sure there will be more on this trip.”
The (now ex) almost husband got pissed off about it! He asked me how I would like it if he posted pictures of girls in bikinis. I told him to go ahead because it honestly wouldn’t bother me. Then, he publicly started asking my male friends if they would be offended if their wife/partner posted such a picture. Nope, they would not, because I wasn’t saying I LIKED it. Just the opposite!
It was at that point I started to see his controlling and insanely jealous nature showing through, which was a blessing in and of itself. It’s good to know those kinds of things before you get officially married! If I ever get engaged again, I’m gonna’ post the hell out of some Speedo Monster pics to see what kind of reaction I get. If he laughs along with me, I’ll deem him a keeper. Maybe.
My pal Forest is a SCUBA instructor. He says he wears Speedos because it’s nearly impossible to put a dive suit on over regular swim trunks. He is the only man I find the wearing of a Speedo to be acceptable for and he is allowed to do so, but ONLY when he is SCUBA diving. The rest of the time he needs to don a nice pair of board shorts.
Now spring break is coming up, so I’m advising all my gentlemen readers who were considering dusting off their Speedos this year to just say “no.” Do the world a favor and dispose of it properly in the nearest trash can. Do not attempt to donate it to charity, because that perpetuates its life cycle. It will end up in some thrift store, and do you think the average thrift store shopper really needs such an acquisition? Or, worse, the charity will just give it to some homeless guy, who will likely use it. There’s an image I could do without–some dirty smelly guy in a Speedo holding up a “Will Work for Food” sign.
Epilogue: as you can see from the comments I have struck a nerve with the Speedo-wearers of the world. I have posted a follow-up note that better explains my position. Click here to see it.